Needy is my middle name

I know the following statement is completely selfish, but I can't help it, it's just how I feel right now.

It's during times like these that I wish most I had a boyfriend, spouse, partner, lover, whatever; someone to lean on and go to for support. I know I've whined about this before, but it really is true. We all have such hectic lives, our own problems to contend with, so who are we going to turn to when we're in need, whether it's just a need to vent, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to bails us out? Obviously, a significant other. It makes the most sense.

So what happens when you don't have one? Who do you turn to?

I'm floundering right now. I trying to get myself out of this funk, but can't find the motivation.

It was my choice. I know that. I don't regret it. But in situations like these, you can't help second-guessing yourself, questioning everything, even believing some of the lies.

And everything is so complicated. It doesn't just affect me. So I have to watch what I say and to whom I say it. I can't truly vent; let out my frustrations and anguish.

It's amazing how some people don't really know you; like people you spend every day with at work for a year, and they don't know a thing about you. But then people you haven't seen or been in contact for years, a decade, know and understand you so well.

I was chatting online earlier with an old college friend. We've chatted a couple of times in the last few months because of Facebook; nothing deep or intense, just a hello here and there. I haven't seen him since college and we didn't really stay in touch. He asked me about work and for a moment I thought about lying, but ended up telling him the truth. I was able to talk to him about it and boy did it feel good.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not disregarding any conversation I've had with friends about this. They've been very needed and appreciated, but there's a connection to the situation with them; they're involved in this. He has absolutely no ties to anyone or anything involved. No judgment. A fresh perspective.

And when we chatted about what was happening and his current situation, there was such an understanding between us; it was great. And even though I kept writing that how could he be so sure about me, all he wrote was "stop." The years might have passed without us being in each others lives, but he had faith that the fundamentals of who I was back then and who I am now are the same.

I am me. No matter what, I am me. I will always be me.

Sometimes I just need someone to remind me of that fact. To be my champion. No matter what.

I have amazing friends, but they all have their own lives, their own priorities.

It's amazing how many days my cell phone goes without ringing and if it weren't for the text messages from Facebook, it probably wouldn't make a peep.

I find myself in a very needy place right now. A place without motivation. And I'm terrified, freaked out by the unknown and not sure of myself. I seek out comfort where I can, whether or not it's good for me. But, yet, I can't bring myself to really do anything.

I know I share blame in this as well. I keep myself well guarded, or at least I try. If I don't want to talk about it, I don't. I can put on the act of "I'm just taking a breather, nothing to worry about" and it's not like I'm in any hurry to get back into the grind of it all and possibly back into yet another workplace drama.

What happens when an independent person that normally does not need saving, finally needs saving? Who's there to help her pick up the pieces and put it all back together?