Up all night reading

OK, well, that's not exactly true.

My schedule has been topsy-turvy for the past couple of weeks, so I was up all night last night because that's normal for me right now.

I went to bed around 5am, and after playing on my cell phone for a while, I still was not sleepy. When I was blogging early this morning, I noticed I didn't read any books in April, even though I was almost positive the last book I'd read had spilled over into April. Then again, that could have been February to March.

As this thought loomed in my brain, I turned over and saw a book lying next to me that I had intended to start reading a few days ago, ok, a few weeks ago. It was around 6am when I picked it up and I finished reading it at 12:50pm. I thought I'd eventually get sleepy and doze off, but no, I kept reading and reading until I finished the book.

As I read the first few chapters, there was this nagging feeling; a slight twinge of deja-vu. And it kept bugging me through the entire book. It's still bugging me. There was something very familiar with the opening chapters, not only that I've read them before, but that I knew very well; had seen those scenes being played out, maybe in a movie...I don't know.

I've racked my brain trying to think of what it is.

• Did I already read the book? No, I just bought it a few weeks ago and with a title like Seeing Me Naked, I would have remembered that, especially since it was just published in 2008. Surely I could not forget reading a book so quickly.
• Was it a movie or something? Again, the book was published in 2008, so it's doubtful it was already made into a movie, even a made-for-tv movie.

I just don't get it. Why does this nagging persist?

Regardless, I enjoyed the book. And no, get your minds out of the gutter. I know what you're thinking...the book's title is Seeing Me Naked so it must be about sex. Well, it's not. It's about letting your true self be seen, letting your guard down and being open and honest.

Oh, yeah, it was written by Liza Palmer.

The gang's all here...

Let's face it, the old gang is never going to get back together.

So I did the next best thing....hee hee hee

Remember, I'm not a whiz with Photoshop. I just cut and pasted the faces from the most recent photos I have of Drew and Maricela, which aren't very recent to begin with. Thankfully Clos and Jose's wife were perfect fill-ins.

Our 13-year reunion.


(Can you tell I have way too much time on my hands?)

P.S. I posted the pic on facebook and Drew commented that I must really be bored. duh.

M & Clos engagement dinner

Uploaded some photos from M & Clos' engagement dinner at the Yard House @ LA Live onto my Facebook account.

They're accessible through the following link, whether or not you have an account.

M & Clos engagement dinner album

Of course, the album does not contain all the photos taken, just a smattering of them. :D

In many ways, the dinner was a mini-reunion on two counts.

Clos was reunited with old work friends.


And old high school classmates got to see each other after many many years.


A month ago I was reunited with my long lost high school friend. After 9 years it's been easy to fall back into an easy friendship with him. Mari heard me on the phone with him and was surprised with how comfortable we sound with one another. Truthfully, in the two times we hung out prior to this dinner, we revealed a lot of personal information. It's a very easy thing to do with him. I know a little too much, I think, but I keep getting reminded that I worked in gay porn so all of this shouldn't be a big deal.

I was very happy that Jose and his wife were able to make it to the dinner. I was a little concerned because he kept asking if Drew would be there, so I thought his attendance might be tied with Drew's; luckily it wasn't. The last time I saw Jose was at his wedding. M had gone to visit them after their first daughter was born in 2003, but neither of them remember that (geez people, what's up with the memory loss?). Either way, it had been a long time for all of us. Jose and I have kept in touch via the occasional e-mail and his wife has a blog, so I get to see photos of his beautiful girls and stay up to date on the goings-on. :)

I didn't get to talk to Jose very much because I ended up at the opposite end of the table. There were 13 of us, down from the original list of 25 guests. Those of us at the dinner were pretty much equally divided between M & Clos. As Uni put it, I bridged the gap between the two sides since I knew everyone there.

I hope everyone had a good time. I always stress more than I probably should. Thankfully the two cherry limeades (yes, an alcohol drink), beer float, and three shots of Patron helped ease my stress. (N would've been proud.)

All in all, it was a good night with good drinks, good food and good people. As Uni also said, it was a night I needed. :D

Of course, the night wasn't about me, but still.... ;)

60% girly

According to this Facebook quiz, I am only 60% girly, so there! ;p LOL!


60%


You are 60% girly! You are the type most people like, you are girly, but not annoying or pretending to be cute. You are well balanced on studying and sports. Keep your habits!

Yard House @ LA Live - 4.24.2009

Needy is my middle name

I know the following statement is completely selfish, but I can't help it, it's just how I feel right now.

It's during times like these that I wish most I had a boyfriend, spouse, partner, lover, whatever; someone to lean on and go to for support. I know I've whined about this before, but it really is true. We all have such hectic lives, our own problems to contend with, so who are we going to turn to when we're in need, whether it's just a need to vent, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to bails us out? Obviously, a significant other. It makes the most sense.

So what happens when you don't have one? Who do you turn to?

I'm floundering right now. I trying to get myself out of this funk, but can't find the motivation.

It was my choice. I know that. I don't regret it. But in situations like these, you can't help second-guessing yourself, questioning everything, even believing some of the lies.

And everything is so complicated. It doesn't just affect me. So I have to watch what I say and to whom I say it. I can't truly vent; let out my frustrations and anguish.

It's amazing how some people don't really know you; like people you spend every day with at work for a year, and they don't know a thing about you. But then people you haven't seen or been in contact for years, a decade, know and understand you so well.

I was chatting online earlier with an old college friend. We've chatted a couple of times in the last few months because of Facebook; nothing deep or intense, just a hello here and there. I haven't seen him since college and we didn't really stay in touch. He asked me about work and for a moment I thought about lying, but ended up telling him the truth. I was able to talk to him about it and boy did it feel good.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not disregarding any conversation I've had with friends about this. They've been very needed and appreciated, but there's a connection to the situation with them; they're involved in this. He has absolutely no ties to anyone or anything involved. No judgment. A fresh perspective.

And when we chatted about what was happening and his current situation, there was such an understanding between us; it was great. And even though I kept writing that how could he be so sure about me, all he wrote was "stop." The years might have passed without us being in each others lives, but he had faith that the fundamentals of who I was back then and who I am now are the same.

I am me. No matter what, I am me. I will always be me.

Sometimes I just need someone to remind me of that fact. To be my champion. No matter what.

I have amazing friends, but they all have their own lives, their own priorities.

It's amazing how many days my cell phone goes without ringing and if it weren't for the text messages from Facebook, it probably wouldn't make a peep.

I find myself in a very needy place right now. A place without motivation. And I'm terrified, freaked out by the unknown and not sure of myself. I seek out comfort where I can, whether or not it's good for me. But, yet, I can't bring myself to really do anything.

I know I share blame in this as well. I keep myself well guarded, or at least I try. If I don't want to talk about it, I don't. I can put on the act of "I'm just taking a breather, nothing to worry about" and it's not like I'm in any hurry to get back into the grind of it all and possibly back into yet another workplace drama.

What happens when an independent person that normally does not need saving, finally needs saving? Who's there to help her pick up the pieces and put it all back together?

Newborn nephew

My cousin gave birth (via c-section) to my newest nephew.

Born at 11:37am on Tues, April 14, 2009
7 lbs 11 oz
19 in

The bottom

It's funny how quickly one's world comes crashing down. One minute you are the shit, and the next, well, you're just shit.

I never had illusions of grandeur. I always knew I was replaceable.

Sometimes it really is hard to face that truth, though.

The world is full of shitty people. And I guess my fault lies in not accepting that truth; in not shrugging my shoulders and saying, "oh well, that's life," but in expecting and demanding better.

I think, though, I have enough confidence in myself and good people around me that have been truly AMAZING through all of this. Life if crappy right now, but, not to sound so cliche, I will survive. I will get through this and be the better for it.

Sometimes it takes things like this to happen to really appreciate what you do have and be thankful for the support and love of so many.

I'm lucky. I'm still young enough, early enough in my career to be able to walk away from a bad situation and find my own way.

I'm scared. I'm freaking out about what to do next, but if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I would have quit my job last year and taken this job, and I would have walked away from this job again if circumstances had been the same.

OK, maybe I would have changed a couple of things: I wouldn't have second-guessed myself, I would have followed my instincts and never allowed myself to be forced to hire someone I knew wasn't going to work out. I wouldn't have let them play with my head the way they did and would have had more faith in my own abilities.

I am great at what I do for one simple reason - it's all I've ever done. I started my career at the very bottom and worked my way up, so I know and understand this side of the business so very well. Others may not think I was ready or mature enough for this position, but to hell with them. Look at everything I accomplished. I did a GREAT job! No matter what anyone says, I built that and I will be proud of it for the rest of my life, even though I didn't get to finish it, but the framework is all me.

So, things are bad right now, but they'll get better. I have faith. And that's all I really need because I'm still me and no one can take that from me. I'm not afraid to start at the bottom again. And I won't have to step on anyone to get back to the top.

I am a force to be reckoned with. I will not be defeated.

Hear me ROAR, I AM WOMAN!

I am German

Took a quiz on Facebook.

THE INNER NATIONALITY QUIZ: WHAT ARE YOU REALLY?

You are German.

You are precise yet romantic, efficient yet dreamy, friendly yet somewhat suspicious of others. You rarely smile, but when you do it's very meaningful. You like it best when there is a group consensus, and yet you are easily annoyed by the slowness and/or stupidity of others. Sometimes you think that if only you could live on an island or move to some wonderful place far away where things are different, everything would be better, and if you can't realize this dream you often lose yourself in books/vacations/recipes/sports -- anything for an escape! All in all, however, you make your peace with life, and have many old friends.


My friend Drew took the quiz and he is American.

You are highly competitive and highly independent, although you also have an easygoing and spontaneous nature. In order to hide and mitigate just how badly you want to win, you have developed a thick veneer of friendliness -- in order to lull your opponents into a false sense of security, yes, but also in order to actually tame your own natural blood lust, and most of the time it even works. Because you are so mobile and ever-changing, your friendships are always in flux, and the people who are your oldest friends may or may not accompany you all the way through life. Probably not. .

Trust no one

After all these years, I finally have the answer to what is wrong with me and there are so many things:

1. I'm young.
2. I'm immature.
3. I'm emotional.
4. I'm Latina.
5. I'm a female.
6. I fall into the species of women known as "Roseanne," as opposed to Brooke Shields, which means I am extremely repulsive.

And all it took was discovering e-mails and chats between a co-worker and one of my system developers to finally answer the question - what is wrong with me.

Thank you for putting me in my place and finally helping me understand. Thank you so much.

P.S. - Yes, I'm quitting my job. I already packed up all my personal belongings and the boxes are sitting in a friend's car.