My only happiness

My mother asked me if I was pregnant because she noticed I've gotten bigger. At least I seem to be having sex in her imagination or nightmares...

My Sweet Gaby

She would have been 23 years old today.

I still can't believe she's gone. She's been gone for four years. I will never see her walk down the aisle or give birth.

I miss you Gaby.

You will always be with me. I will always love you, my sweet sweet Gaby.

So long 2011, Welcome 2012!

First post of 2012 - yay!


Sorry it's already 2 weeks in. I've been meaning to write, but then I get distracted or occupied with something else. 


To say I'm glad 2011 is over is an understatement. It was a hellish year. There were a few good things (Tiny's wedding and getting to see old college friends), but overall, I'm happy to put 2011 behind me and look to 2012 for bigger and better things. :)


I spent New Year's Eve at home with the family playing Monopoly. It was the first time my brother's girlfriend played, not only with us, but ever, so she got to see what a big fat cheater he is and sore loser.


On New Year's Day, I went with Uni & Ro to Universal Studios for the day. I'd never been and with the purchase of one days admission, I got an annual pass so I can go back anytime I want (some blackout dates). Thanks Uni & Ro! They already had annual passes and they generously bought mine even though I told them it wasn't necessary. We had a good time. We didn't hit every ride; just took our time moving through the park, talking and eating. We have a whole year to go back and see everything.

Last year we went to Disneyland on New Year's Day, so we think it would be fun to hit different amusement parks every New Year's Day. You know, start a little tradition. :)  I'm hoping we can also hit Sea World in SD. I've never been either, so that would be cool.


The new year has brought a new niece. This time from one of my male cousins. Actually, it's the first male cousin to have kids. :)  Say hello to Summer Rylie!  (Yup, that's how they spelled her middle name.)

On Christmas Day, my cousin (finally!) proposed to his girlfriend. (They're celebrating their 7th anniversary this weekend.) Unfortunately, no wedding this year. She wants plenty of time to plan. They've set the date for next August. I really tried to get her to get married on my birthday since it's on a Saturday next year and that way, I don't have to worry about my birthday. I think that's why my 30th was so great, because my friend got married that day and took focus off my big 30th. ;)

To my great dismay, I realized that I only read 2 books last year. ack! And I only read double that in 2010. Bad faded_girl, bad! So while I'm not big on making New Year's Resolutions, I did resolve to read more this year. I'm happy to report that I've already read four books; three of them in this week alone. My boss gave me an Amazon gift card for Christmas, so I bought a bunch of dvd's I wanted that were on sale and then I went and bought a bunch of books too, even though I already have a crapload of books I still haven't read. I figured an infusion of new chick lit books would help me get back into the swing of things and then I could start in on the books I already have.

A great motivator is also my co-worker. Last year was the second year, I think, that he read a total of 50 books during the year and he made it a goal to do that again this year. I still say his goal should be 52, one a week, but he ignores me. The first week of January, he was gloating that he had already finished his first book of the new year, so I hauled ass to finish "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies."

I say "hauled ass" because I wasn't very into the book. I love "Pride and Prejudice," everyone knows that, and I figured there would be some changes to some parts with the insertion of the zombies. What I didn't expect was for the author to take certain liberties that I didn't agree with, specifically dealing with Elizabeth and Charlotte. I was grateful that he didn't change the last couple of chapters too much, the story stayed intact and the zombies were only a side note.

After that I read three of my chick lit books easily while my co-worker read his second book. He makes fun of me for my chick lit books and tells me I'm allowed to gloat when I read a "real" book. When I finished my third book he said it wasn't a competition because we're not reading the same books, so we agreed to read "Lady Chatterley's Lover" together. He's finished his second book and I finished my fourth book, so we're starting our "real" book this weekend. I have to get started tomorrow. Like I said, our back and forth teasing and egging each other on is a great motivator. ;)

I leave you now with some photos from the last three months of 2011.

Tiny's Bachelorette Dinner with the Carleton girls.

On the Golden Gate Bridge

The Carleton Wedding Photo

My Girls at Thanksgiving

Variety's Santa Walk

Christmas Eve

Last Dinner with Friends of 2011

5 year old Goddaughter reading

Merry Christmas!!

Friday, December 24, 2010
A part of me feels like I'm supposed to be at work today, but thankfully we got today off. Of course, I woke up with my head pounding and a runny nose, but after popping 3 excedrin and blowing my nose, those symptoms are dissipating. Now I'm sitting on the couch eating yummy ginger cookies a co-worker made while playing bejeweled on facebook and watching tv. Laziness has takes root. Thank goodness I wrapped all my gifts last night.

Well, not all of them. I still have to get something for my brother's girlfriend, but she was supposed to go home yesterday for Christmas, so I have more time. I say supposed to because I got a text message from her this morning asking if I bought a case for the kindle I got for my sister because my brother wanted to get a case for it if I didn't. So, again, I say supposed to because my brother didn't text me himself, and he was supposed to be home yesterday since she was leaving and he's been at her apartment while she's been here, so if she left, he was supposed to come home. Crap, I hope she left, that way I still have time to get her something.

Oh man, I still have to get my cousin's girlfriend's gift too. She got me the Despicable Me Minion Madness double dvd's and I have no idea what to get her.

Christmas came up way too fast. They year just flew by. Time got away from me. I haven't even done my Christmas cards. I just don't know where it all went.

I had thought of writing a year in review letter to go along with the Christmas card, but all I could think of to write was, "Young Variety. 'Nuff said."

I think that pretty much sums up my year, no? Everything I did had to do with Young Variety or Variety itself. If we're friends on facebook, you saw that in all my fb status messages. Even on twitter.

And now the year has come to an end, but I don't really get a break. I have to start getting the January board meeting together and our big event of the year, the pool tournament, is coming up quickly and I need to get volunteers and photographers for it. So my last official event may have been the luncheon on the 16th, but there is still no end, no break.

Sunday, December 26, 2010
Christmas has come and gone. Friday night was spent at my uncle's house with the family. Damn! there are a lot of us! Too many. It took us 2 hours and 15 minutes to give open all the presents. It was less time than the last time we were all together for Christmas Eve in 2007, but it still felt like it took forever. And not all the little ones made it. I really think we need to start opening gifts earlier.

I came away with a handbag (one of my aunts just won't let it go and stop giving me handbags), an evening purse, a Starbucks gift card, a tunic with scarf, a sweater and a Hershey's pot to make hot chocolate. From my immediate family I got a new tv that's currently hooked up in the living room, a closet cube organizer, and 2 pillow pets (a ladybug and panda!). Dude, I can't deny it, I was so excited when I opened the pillow pets. :D

Technically, I also got the Despicable Me Minion Madness Double dvd from my cousin's girlfriend (as mentioned above) and another handbag from another friend. Though, is it still considered a Christmas present if while shopping, you hold two handbags up to your friend and ask, "which one are you buying me for Christmas?" ;-D

Overall, a good time was spent with the family on Christmas Eve. I spent most of the time playing with the little ones or my uncle's tiny pups. Apparently, attention was paid on Friday to the fact that I'm always playing with the little ones or dogs, so I'm either going to have kids or pets when I "grow up." Not sure how my family didn't realize this earlier.

Here's a little video of my niece dancing when they put music on. She's too cute. She'll be 1 in January, but she's already so big and has such a great personality.

Christmas Day was spent at home not doing much. I spent the better part of the day and evening online playing games on facebook and watching tv in mom's room since everyone else (mom, sister and brother) were watching basketball and football in the living room on my brand new tv.

Why is my new tv in the living room, you ask? Well, we had a really old tv in the living room. It still works great, but it's so old that even though we have dvr through direct tv, i can only record one show at a time and I can't change the channel while it's recording. So my new tv is in the living room for now until a new tv is bought when the living room is remodeled. (Our kitchen is currently being remodeled and we're working our way through the house.) My sister spent all day trying to hook up the tv and receiver to record multiple shows at the same time, but we couldn't get it to work. She's going to try again tomorrow. She gave up and just watched sports instead.

And now that it's 2am and everyone else is asleep, I figured I'd finish writing this post. And now I'm sleepy, so I'm going to take my pillow pets and Dorsey and go to bed. He's been sleeping with me these last few days. I'm a little worried, he seems sad. But it's nice to have him to cuddle with.

I'll end this post by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and hope it was filled with love and laughter.

Resentment

Resentment grows and builds upon more resentment. By all accounts last year was horrific and this year has emerged as a renewal; a new beginning. But even in starting over, not everything is wiped cleaned. There are holdovers from one year to the next and, well, a new beginning doesn’t mean they get forgotten or change.

I’ve begun my career over. The clock has rewound almost 10 years. Now if only my expenses would do the same. Ten years ago I had no “real” expenses, keyword real. So making a salary slightly higher than I had 10 years ago, and half of what I was making 2 years ago, but with the same expenses as the last two years, is, simply put, hard.

Making it harder is that no one around me realizes nor comprehends this. I’m covering the house mortgage and all the house bills, and yet my mother complains that I don’t take her shopping anymore. Every time I go to Target, she wants to know what I’m going to buy her. Absolutely nothing. No, you know what I’m buying her? I’m buying her laundry detergent, dryer sheets, dishwashing soap, sponges, bathroom paper, trash bags….you get the point. My once famous trips to Target exist no more. I can’t even remember the last time I bought a DVD.

All my money goes to the house expenses and she gives me shit for not buying her new clothes. When did I last buy clothes for myself? I saw the cutest summer dress at Target, but I forced myself to walk away and igigi.com has the most gorgeous dresses that I can’t buy.

Every time she begins to whine and bitch, I just want to hit her. OK, no, I don’t want to hit her, but I do want to yell at her. She’s killing me. I’m beyond stressed and you know what, I don’t know why I do it.

Why am I putting myself through this for her? She’s my mother and I’m her daughter, so it pretty much comes down to daughterly duty. I just wish she’d actually act like my mother.

Mothers are supposed to love you unconditionally and see the beauty in you…always. They’re supposed to have your back, especially when you’ve spent your entire life trying to be a good daughter.

Every word that comes out of her mouth directed at me is a criticism. Nothing I do is right for her. I’m not right for her. I am not perfect. I am not beautiful, but she’s supposed to see the beauty inside me and tell me there’s a lucky someone out there for me. She’s not supposed to mock me when I run in and beg my sister to tell the guy that I’ve been avoiding and ignoring for months, who’s now at our front door, that I’m not home. She’s supposed to be on my side and know there’s a good reason I don’t want to see him.

This is why I don’t talk to her about my personal life. She laughed at me when I first mentioned Boston boy, back at the beginning when things were good and hopeful. And when P was only sleeping with me, she told me to do and change whatever I needed to in order to lock him down.

I may live at home with my mother, but I have a mortgage and house bills. And one simple truth remains, when I leave this house, there will be no turning back. I will not visit on the weekends and come do my laundry. She will be lucky if she sees me at family parties.

February was a busy crazy month

February was a busy crazy month. My sleep hours went back to “normal” for me. I stopped getting in bed at 10 and asleep by 11pm. No, I went back to falling asleep around 12:30/1:00am. It may have had something to do with the stress of being on the planning side of the pool tournament for the first time. I’ve always just been an attendee; an attendee that wins big during the raffle. (I only won one prize this year, after several redraws.)

It’s amazing how much drama and egos one needs to sidestep in order to get anything done. It was a great event, but I sure was glad when it ended. And of course, as soon as it does, what happens? I get sick. I caught what my friend had after spending too much time with her. It’s not like we spent all that much time together, but that combined with exhaustion, well, it brought me down.

I didn’t miss any work though; can’t afford to. I just made sure I was all drugged up during the day, although, oddly enough, when I stopped taking the Dayquil, I felt a lot better. My head was no longer fuzzy. Right now, it’s pretty much down to just a cough. Since it’s in my chest, activity wears me out, more so than usual. ;p

Somehow, in the middle of all that, my niece turned 8. I can’t believe she’s 8. It feels like only yesterday I was holding her in my arms when she was born. In the blink of an eye, she’s become a little girl and before you know it, she’ll be a teenager and she’ll start dating and then she’ll be out of high school and in college and then, and then she’ll be getting married and starting her own family. I don’t think I’m ready for that.

My other niece turns 8 next month and my Goddaughter turns 5 at the end of June. They’re growing up so fast and then they’ll be too old to want to spend time with their lonely old aunt.

For my niece’s 8th birthday, we did it at Chuck e Cheese. I was really glad my other niece was there. Since my cousin moved away, they’re not as accessible. It breaks my heart not to see my niece as often or as easily as before. And every time she leaves and says she loves me very much, I just want to hold on to her forever.

My Goddaughter is scared of the rat, so when it was time for him to come over to the table and sing during the cake, I had to take her into the playroom so she wouldn’t freak out the way she did on her birthday last year. Those are the moments I will cherish forever; when she looks to me to take her away from the big scary rat and she smiles and laughs as we walk through the playroom, selecting games to play. And she doesn’t call for her mom or dad because she’s having fun playing with her Godmother and even though she had been scared and didn’t want to take pictures or play, she’s forgotten all about the scary rat and is just having fun with her Godmother. These are the memories I will keep close to my heart.

Do I need to touch upon Valentine’s Day? No, thank you, moving on.

Oh, wait, I guess I have to since two different friends got engaged around Valentine’s Day. An ex-coworker, Jakkibean, was proposed to by her boyfriend the day before Valentine’s Day and my friend Tiny was proposed to while she and her boyfriend were in New York. So exciting!

I stayed home on Valentine’s Day, but the night before was a girls night out with my friend. We decided to do it up big. I got my nails done that morning and we got all dressed up and cute. I even bought a new lip gloss, put on mascara and wore earrings. Can you people believe it???? We had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory at The Grove and then watched “Valentine’s Day.” It was a cute movie and there was a big “sharp intake of breath” moment at the end of the movie. But if you thought about it, you should’ve seen it coming since all the story lines connect.

I had another great night out with friends. Dinner evolved into bar hopping in Pasadena and ended with dancing. I can’t even remember the last time I danced like that. Oh wait, I do. In 2008, at Kimmy’s wedding in San Fran (also my 30th birthday). That was a great night. I love dancing, though I don’t do it very often, mostly because I feel like I’ve lost my rhythm. In college, I had so much fun at parties, now I have trouble letting loose.

Apparently, now in my 30s, I have a lot of problems and hang-ups. I know, totally sucks. I need to get my confidence back.

I think I’m finally over him; mostly because he’s turned into such a disappointment. It’s not disappointment in that he doesn’t feel the same about me, but disappointment in realizing several truths about him. I’ve been constantly reminded that when a guy really wants to do something, he’ll do it. So if he said we’d still see each other, even as friends, we’d still see each other. If he said he’d come to SG for me, even as friends, then he’d come to SG for me. But he hasn’t done either. Nothing he said he’d do has he done. He didn’t keep his word. His word means nothing. And I can’t stand that.

I hold people to what they say they will do. I say what I mean and do what I say; and I expect that of others. A friend and I got into it about that. She said it’s easy to be disappointed when you have such high expectations and that I don’t leave room for people’s flaws; and thus judgmental. Maybe she’s right. Maybe she’s wrong. I certainly am not perfect and know this. I definitely don’t expect others to be perfect and flawless. But I don’t think I’m wrong in expecting people to keep their word. I put in the effort for people I care about and I don’t let just anyone into my world. And I understand how difficult life is and that everyone is juggling a ton of balls, but I still try. I’ve cancelled on friends before; it happens. But if you don’t even try, then what’s the point? Why am I going to waste my time and chase after you when you can’t make time for me or even try to make time for me?

I don’t want to feel like I’m begging people to spend time with me. I shouldn’t feel that way. So give me a reason, give me a reason to believe you want to be in my world. I’ve already let you in, now it’s up to you to stay in my life. If you don’t want to be here, no one’s going to force you to stay. I can walk away, and I will.

And so February ended and March has begun. I’m facing the possible loss of a friend I’ve gotten really close to. Right now she’s in NY for a job interview and considering she had two phone interviews before they called her in for a face-to-face, I’d say she has a pretty good shot at getting it. I’m happy for her, but I’m also sad at the prospect of her moving away. I just have to make sure to spend as much time with her as possible while she’s still here. Even if I get sick again. ;)

Welcome Ruby!

My cousin, mother of my Goddaughter, gave birth to my 5th niece on Sunday, January 3rd at 7:14am. She was in labor all day Saturday, but didn’t go to the hospital until 5am Sunday. After spending over 40 hours in a hospital bed in labor with my Goddaughter, she wanted to delay her hospital stay as much as possible with her third baby, thus, she didn’t go until she couldn’t take the pain anymore. She text me Saturday night to let me know the baby was likely to arrive on Sunday, but didn’t think she’d actually give birth so early in the morning.

I spent Sunday afternoon at the hospital, holding little Ruby and taking so many photos. I have photos of all my nieces at the hospital, save one, and that’s only because my cousin didn’t tell me she gave birth until she was already home from the hospital.



Even though she’s my 5th niece, I was still nervous carrying her. Have to make sure to hold her head up, position her nicely on top of my arm; good thing I have nice, big boobs because they really come in handy to keep a baby nice and snug.

On Saturday, I went over to visit. I like that once my cousin was done breastfeeding Ruby, she just got up and plopped her in my arms. :) Ruby was sound asleep in my arms and I had a baby blanket draped over my shoulder covering her, keeping her nice and warm when my Godmother looked over at me and smiled. Then she said, “Look how good she looks holding the baby.” I told her not to start and how mom was already on me about grandchildren.

At my cousin’s house, I sat on the bed holding her and then I lay down next to her. I just wanted to stay there with her all day.

We’ve even started talking about her baptism this summer. I don’t know who her Godparents are going to me, it’s unlikely I’ll be her Godmother, but my cousin is still my cousin and comadre, so I’m going to help as much as I can, especially since it’s also my Goddaughter’s 5th birthday this year and that means a big party, so that’s two big parties they’re putting on this summer, so they need all the help they can get.

Over

I’m no one to judge. I have been the other woman and I never want to be that woman again. It’s even worse when there’s a family involved. I’ve finally been able to cut ties from Boston Boy because he has a son. I don’t want to get in the middle of that. I don’t want anyone to ever think he’s not with his son and his son’s mother because of me or anything I did. They should figure it out all on their own; that she’s just too troubled and with way too many issues to be in a stable, healthy relationship or any relationship for that matter. Again, I’m not one to talk.

He’s back from Mexico and he came to the house last week. He had to pick up his car and belongings. Mom had packed everything up in his car, but she took the key with her to the bakery so he had to go get it from her. He didn’t know that, so he knocked on the front door and the pups immediately went crazy at the door. I opened it, staying behind the door and when he walked in and greeted me as if nothing had happened, I could not believe it. I let out a small grunt and told him mom had the car keys at the bakery and then locked myself in my bedroom. He was in the house for a few minutes and I could hear him walking around. Then he left. Several hours later, as I sat watching TV in the living room with the curtains pulled open to let the cool breeze in, I saw him walk up to the house, open the car door and put his backpack in there before walking over to the side of the house towards the back door, which he knew was open so the pups could do their business. I quickly locked myself in my bedroom again and didn’t come out until a few minutes later when I heard the car drive away.

He’s in love with another woman in Mexico. His family never approved of his relationship with mom because she’s 13 years older and already had two grown daughters, though; they love my brother, his son. His family cheered and encouraged the relationship. His family encouraged him to turn his back on our family after 25 years, to hurt us and throw everyone’s lives into disarray.

After a month away with no communication, he asked for forgiveness and asked to come back. But he’s still in love with that other woman. Mom can’t, won’t live that way. We can’t live that way. It’s just mom and me in this house now.

So what drives a man to do this? (I fully recognize that it’s not only men that do this.) To abandon his family and throw away 25 years?

Living a lie

I have a cousin and his girlfriend that follow me on Twitter, and this same girlfriend and other cousins are my friends on Facebook and Myspace. In this world there is no mention of abandonment, of a stepfather not returning. No, in this world, my life is a lie. I pretend and put it out there that I'm OK and for the most part, it seems true.

Adding to my abandonment issues

My stepdad left us.

He told mom he had other plans and they didn't include her.

The day he left

It had been years since my parents were an actual couple. They still lived together, but there was no relationship. I guess you can say they were still together for the kids. They slept in the same room, but didn’t share a bed. Mom slept in the bed and dad slept on the floor. There really was no need; they both could’ve slept in the bed considering mom worked days and dad worked nights. They were never home at the same time. Dad would get home just in time to take me to school and he’d still be around to pick me up. Dad and I would go for ice cream every day after school, especially if I was sick. I always got ice cream when I was sick.

It's no secret. I am not ashamed. I was totally, big-time "Daddy's Little Girl." He bought me everything I wanted without really spoiling me, and whenever my mom or sister were going to punish me, I just had to run to him and he wouldn't let them touch me. He didn't even like it when my grandmother put me to wash the dishes. He always carried me off the milk crate set-up so I could reach the faucet, and she would put me back up there, and he would take me off...and so on and so on. He only ever raised his voice to me once and I can't really remember why.

It was early one morning and my sister had been trying to get me up for school, but I wouldn't budge. I was pretending to be asleep even though I wasn't. The phone rang. My sister answered and called out to my dad. He spoke a few words into the receiver, hung up and left, never to come back. All the while I was pretending to be asleep because I couldn't say good-bye. I knew he was leaving. I had known for days. No one had to tell me. I was 9 years old and I knew my father was leaving us.

He came by a few months later to get the rest of his things. It was around Christmas so he gave me $60 and even gave my little brother $10 even though he wasn't even 2 years old yet. Of course I pocketed the $10. What was a 2 year old going to do with $10?

For years we knew nothing about his whereabouts, and when we did know, we didn't go see him. When I was in high school and college, I would go see him to get money. I was his little girl and he always gave me money. I think that's why my sister resents him. He never helped her the way he helped me. She'd ask for money for college and he wouldn't give her any. I asked, and he handed it over. I was his little girl.

I don't visit my father. I don't call or write. If he calls me, sometimes I answer, sometimes I don't. He sends a Christmas card, but I don't send him one. My mom talks to him more than we do. My sister flat out refuses to speak to him. I love my father, but he has not been a part of my life since the day he left. For years he couldn't even get my age right. I know that when he dies, I will be completely shattered, but yet, I don't do anything to include him in my life.

I lived for my father. He was everything to me. And when he left, I was never the same. It's safe to say I have abandonment issues. I'm afraid of being left again and so I sabotage my relationships, I hurt myself before they can hurt me. Even though I'm fully aware of this, I've never figured out how to stop doing it, how to get past it.

My brother is a cheating scumbag

Two weeks ago I came home to find my brother had some chick in his room that was not his girlfriend and no, they weren't "just talking." I knew someone other than my brother was in the house because the doggy gate was drawn to keep the dogs in the kitchen, except that he also locked them out in the yard. He came out of his room when he heard me open the front door and nonchalantly went into the bathroom, then locked himself in his room for another hour.

In that time, I had let the dogs back in and released the doggy gate so they had free reign of the house. I sat at the kitchen table working on the computer after my conference call. My seat at the kitchen table is at the end of the hallway and gives me a perfect view of all our doors and the front door. He came out of his room, went into the bathroom again and drew the doggy gate out again. By this time, I had also gone into the living room to check the mail, and had thus seen the purse on the couch and it did not belong to his girlfriend.

He goes back to his room and stands in the doorway. My brother is six feet tall and broad. This chick was short and petite and he was trying block her from my view. Puh-lease. They slowly and quietly walked into the living room, turning on the television to cover any noise. And then quietly tried to open the door so she could leave. Really? Did he really think I was that stupid?

Earlier I had felt inclined to pound on his door and scream, "Get that tramp out of this house!" But I relented. However, at this point, with him taking me for an idiot and trying to sneak her out of the house, I could no longer hold my tongue. Remember, from my seat at the kitchen table, I have a perfect view of the door. So I finally yell out, "Why are you trying to sneak her out?"

I believe he called me an asshole and said I am his sister and therefore should be on his side, once the slut was gone. (Why do I call her a slut when she could just be an innocent victim in all of this? Well, if you saw his room, you'd clearly see that he has a girlfriend and that she spends a lot of time here. Directly in front of his bed there is a collage frame with pictures of him and the girlfriend, their names, anniversary date and the words "I Love You." Plus of course a ton of chick-lit books, unless he's going to claim those are his.) I told him it didn't matter I was his sister, I was also a female and what he was doing was wrong. He has sisters and a mother. What if some guy treated his sisters or mother like that? He should think about that. I told him not to think I would keep this secret.

And secret I did not. No, I didn't tell his girlfriend, though I should have. I did tell my sister and mother. I'm pretty sure mom wussed out and didn't say a thing to him. Two days later he left to spend the weekend in Santa Barbara with his girlfriend and her family because she was graduating from UCSB. He played the role of dutiful boyfriend for a week, then brought her back to this house and later to Father's Day dinner with our family and an Angels v Dodgers game after spending the afternoon at our uncle's house.

I should also note that the following day, as I walked into mom's room to watch tv, I tripped over some shoes lined up in front of mom's bed. Unless my mom started wearing boots way too small for her, yes, you guessed it, he put his girlfriend's shoes in mom's room. I was tempted to throw them at him. Mom later put them back in his room when I pointed them out to her.

This past Monday, when she was back in Santa Barbara, my sister came down hard on my brother. Called him trash. Said how disappointed she was in him. That it didn't help being raised by three women and having his father in this house. Told him to ask mom how she felt being cheated on (my dad was a cheater) and if it doesn't hurt her to see him doing the same thing. She told him he wasn't a man. He was pathetic.

Two days later, when just he and I were in the house, we went at it about it. He didn't hear anything my sister told him. He told me to stay out of his life, just like I want everyone to stay out of my life. That's the thing though, I don't bring my life into this house. And again, brought up the fact that I'm his sister. Don't remind me. It amazes me that he sees nothing wrong with what he's doing. That he's not only disrespectful to her, to this house, to his sisters and his mother. I warned him that I would not keep his secret.

I warned him.

I came home tonight after a wonderful day out to find that my brother was not at work like he usually is on Friday nights. To find that the doggy gate was drawn and my pups were in the kitchen. Today though, my brother did not bother to come out of his room upon hearing me in the house. Oh no, he was almost defiant in that respect. I withdrew the doggy gate and let the pups have free reign of the house. At first I couldn't tell if he was in his room with someone or not. He had his stereo playing to cover anything. Soon though, I heard a female voice and I knew it wasn't his girlfriend.

He finally came out of his room and to the bathroom. This time defiant in his walk, daring me to say something. The dogs started barking at his door. They know a slut when they smell one. As they had roamed through the house when I freed them of the kitchen, they would stop at his closed door and bark. He went back into his room and locked the door. Then came out a few minutes later and drew the doggy gate. Back to his room and escorted her out. I withdrew the doggy gate before she was even gone, that curly-haired slut. I checked mom's room, no shoes lined up there.

I warned him.

And we all know the bitch that I am.

I text my sister first, saying her brother was trying to prove he could do whatever he wanted in this house.

And then I text his girlfriend. I asked if they had broken up and if not, that they should.

We'll see what happens. One thing's for sure. Mom is going to get an earful from me and she better do something.

Another thing...I'm no longer the middle child. I'm the youngest again. I don't have a brother.

Totally pooped

Tired and full of yummy food. The baby shower is over and done with - yay! I'm always glad when these things are over, regardless of my feelings for them. I'm just filled with utter and complete relief. It's always so much stressful leading up to them than getting through the day of the event. Everything turned out very well, I think.

The baby shower went on later than I thought it would so then we had to rush me home because my family was waiting to go to dinner for Father's Day since my step-dad has to work on the actual day. I know, I know. How was I ever going to make it through dinner considering I had just eaten, quite a bit of food, at the baby shower? It's the Cheesecake Factory, I had no intention of passing that up. I ate half my meal and brought the rest home. I also brought my slice of cheesecake home. They are both sitting in my fridge, waiting for me to eat them, tomorrow. I was the only one that didn't finish her food. Well, mom didn't eat her mashed potatoes, and since Cheesecake Factory mashed potatoes are the best, I couldn't leave them so they were put in with my leftovers. yum!

Off to bed to rest, relax and review today's photos. More tomorrow.

In Remembrance

One year ago, in a horrific crash, my sweet Gaby died. I still can't believe she's not here. I can't believe I'm not going to hear her when I walk into my cousin's house. Being there without her is so hard.

She was taken from us too early. There was so much she needed to do.

She's gone. And on this day we remember and celebrate her life, though not a day goes by that we don't hold her close to our broken hearts and have her face in our eyes.

I miss you Gaby. I love you.

Newborn nephew

My cousin gave birth (via c-section) to my newest nephew.

Born at 11:37am on Tues, April 14, 2009
7 lbs 11 oz
19 in

Baby Shower - 3.14.09

I think this was the best baby shower I've helped plan. OK, so this one was my baby, but still. I was in charge of the invitations, cake, centerpiece for the gift table, baby shower favors, games and prizes. I chose games we hadn't played before and bought prizes that people could actually choose. :) I also bought coloring books and crayons to keep the little girls and boys entertained. Turned out all they really needed to have fun were the balloons I was going to use for the Tinkle in the Pot game.

My Godmother took care of the food (main meal and snacks) and drinks. My cousin took care of the decorations. The theme of the shower was meant to be Precious Moments, but only the invitations had that design.



I spent a fortune on the favors. My cousin went with me to pick them up and said if she had gone with me when I ordered them, she wouldn't have let me spend so much. The sales clerk told her she'd told me I was spending a lot. (Whose side is the sales clerk supposed to be on anyway?)

Actually, I guess I spent a fortune on the baby shower as a whole. I really went all out because I felt bad that no one threw her a baby shower for the twins. I know it wasn't my responsibility, but I wanted her to know she had the family's support, no matter what messed up things she did in the past. Besides, the babies aren't to blame for her missteps. So this baby shower was not only for this baby, but for the twins to.

Also, her mom is so stupid and such a pain in the ass. I know she's my aunt, but she's got some mixed up views. When my Godmother and I asked her about throwing this baby shower for her daughter, she told us not to go to any trouble and that she always saw it as the baby's father's family responsibility to do this.

Why would it fall on my cousin's mother-in-law to throw a baby shower for her own daughter?!?!?

Yes, his family should probably throw one too for their side, but how can she not think of celebrating her own daughter's impending birth. She has three daughters, so is she never going to celebrate their pregnancies. Geez, she's nuts.

So, my goal for this baby shower was also to show my aunt how it's done; how she's supposed to celebrate her daughters.

We asked my aunt if she wanted to help with the baby shower and she never agreed. So we did everything, but the day of, she arrived and tried to change things around and acted all high and mighty, but I put my foot down and put things back the way we had arranged everything. She even brought a game and prize for the baby shower, which seriously annoyed me. If she had consulted with us, it wouldn't have been a problem.

(Seriously stupid woman.)

At the end of the evening, my pregnant cousin was talking to my co-hostess cousin and said she never thought her mom would do this for her. My cousin set her straight by handing her an invite for the baby shower, which clearly stated who the hostesses were.

I still have a ton of favors left, but that's OK.

Everyone was extremely pleased with the baby shower. I heard that my aunt and my cousin's Godmother couldn't stop talking about the shower the next day; how much fun they had with the games, and everything I did for it.

My co-hostess cousin's mother-in-law (I can't stand that woman and I did not invite her. Her son did...ugh!) couldn't stop praising me. She really gets on my nerves. She's always thanking me for the baby shower I planned for my cousin and whenever I buy my nieces anything. It's like, "alright lady, can you crawl out of my ass already?!?!"

Anyway, I digress...

At the end of the night, I was tired and had a HUGE headache. Mom says I stress out too much over these things, I internalize it and my blood pressure rises. I fell fast asleep when I got home. Boy, was I relieved it was over. I planned two baby showers in a year. I think I need a break. :)


The Happy Family



The Hostesses


The Cake...er, Cupcakes


The Decorations






Baby Shower Favors



SURPRISE!!



Let's Eat!


How many M&M's in the baby bottle?


Answer? 1400. My niece Celest came the closest; within 800.


Game 1: Draw a Baby - Each participant is given a paper plate and a crayon. They are asked to place the plate on their heads, like a hat. They are given 1 minute to draw a baby on the plate while holding it over their heads. They then write their names on the other side. Mother-to-be chooses the best drawing as the baby shower winner.


Winners of Draw a Baby game - my aunt Linda (cousin's mom) and my cousin Bertha


Game #2: Having a Baby - Baby shower attendees are split into two teams. Each person is given a balloon. When you shout "Go" Each team has their first member blow up their balloon and stuff it up their top. When they finish placing it in their top, the second and then third team member does the same until the entire team is pregnant. When the last person in the line becomes pregnant, the first person needs to give birth and pop the balloon until the whole team has popped their balloons. The quickest team "giving birth" wins.




Winning Team of Having a Baby - my cousin's Godmother, my aunt Linda, my cousin's Bertha & Amalia, my niece Jenny


Game #3 - Baby Shower Food Race - Get all baby shower guests that want to participate in pairs of 2. Each pair gets a baby food jar, baby bottle with apple juice(or some other type of drinkable liquid - I used soda, the carbonation makes it harder to drink quickly) and a blindfold. The one person in the pair that has the jar of baby food will get blindfolded and will have to feed their partner while both sitting across from each other in chairs. When they are done with the whole jar of baby food, the person blindfolded has to drink what is in the bottle to win. The first team to do this the quickest while racing wins!



Winners of Baby Shower Food Race - my cousin's Amalia & Bertha


Game #4: Tinkle in the Pot - Every pregnant woman is always running to the bathroom. Group participants in teams of 4 or 5. Be sure to have two quarters for each person and jars/dishes as there are teams. Place a tape strip at a starting line on the floor. Have teams line up behind the starting line. Place jars across the room from each team. Baby shower contestants must place the quarter between their knees and waddle to the jar. They must drop the quarter in the jar (tinkle in the pot). NO HANDS ALLOWED!! If the person misses or drops the quarter along the way, they must start over. Each teammate has to go twice. The first team to make all of their potty runs will win prizes.



Winning Team of Tinkle in the Pot - cousin's friend, cousins Melisa & Michelle, my Godmother, my aunt Linda


There are, of course, a ton of pics of her opening presents, but I didn't really want to go through those and post them. As it is, I only posted a couple for each of the games.

I know have to put together an album for her. I hope I can find a Precious Moments photo album. Hm, should I do an album or scrapbook. You're right, a scrapbook is more work. Photo album it is. :)