F*#&in Exhausted, Part 3

I started writing about my work life, but then I just got tired of reliving it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Who's going to hire the fat girl?"

I am no stranger to the concept of paying your dues. I have always felt my work speaks for itself and whenever I go into a new company, I let my work do the talking. Unfortunately, it is also about the people you know, none more so than in the entertainment industry.

I'm a hard worker and a quick study. I have no problem putting in the work, but I also have no qualms leaving bad situations. I have worked my way up from entry level to director level to even vice president. I have put in the hours and made sacrifices. So many times I've been told, "well, you're not married, you don't have kids, so you can work those hours."

I was brought on as "Vice President of Operations" for a defunct company that was being rebuilt from the ground up. It was shut down for about 2 or 3 years and there were absolutely no processes in place. I was part of the interview process for the company that built our system, I worked hand in hand with them to build it; it was my design. I designed all the project paperwork (instructions, forms, etc.). Some of the data engineers were in Indonesia, so I would be up in the middle of the night working with them. I set up the phones and computers in the office and did our tech support. The VP and President above me were just figureheads, brought on for their connections to the industry. I am not overstating when I say I was the only one with the experience in this field and the only one that could it. And yet, I was undermined at every step. They put me down to ownership behind my back. Not a day went by that the other VP didn't say that she had a 13 year old son and couldn't put in those hours, and yet, would turn around and tell the owner that I was doing everything myself because I was a control freak. Not only was I building the system and getting grief for it, I was under paid. We weren't even ready with main operations when they started other departments and brought in vp's at double my pay. I walked away before the system was finished.

They filed for bankruptcy less than a year after I left. And it was all my fault. Not the fact that they hired people that knew nothing about the business and let the one doing the work walk away. No, I was ungrateful.

I had left quietly. I went radio silent for months. I never told anyone why I left, but the rumors swirled once people realized I was gone. The funny thing was that they couldn't say anything about my work. Instead they said I was ungrateful because ownership had paid for me to have gastric bypass and not only did I gain the weight back, but I didn't pay back ownership. NEVER HAVE I EVER HAD GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY.

In less than a year, the damage had been done. I had allowed them to rob me of my confidence.

I always have to work twice as hard, while others around me slack off. And it's been either all on my shoulders or...

F*#&in Exhausted, Part 2

In college, I had a new start. I was far away from everyone and everything I knew. I no longer felt tied down to the expectations of my name and reputation. Yes, since junior high and throughout high school there were expectations tied to my name. So many I met admitted they didn't like me because they always heard my name, but upon actually meeting me, surprise, I was a sweet girl and not at all like they thought. Teachers knew my name before I even entered their classroom. I had a lot to live up to.

But no one knew me in college. No one knew my reputation. I finally felt I could be me. I wasn't the uptight, fuddy-duddy in all the advanced classes. I wasn't the teacher's pet. 

When I came home on breaks, it was a different story and I hated coming home. School breaks were full of old drama, expectations and judgements. And when my bff from senior year came back into my life, it all spilled into my college life. I was back to having to prove myself and the life choices I had made. I was supposed to be the same girl that sat behind him in homeroom junior and senior years, the girl that had loved him so much despite her not being loved in return.

Don't Look Back

Didn’t learn the lesson
Kept going back
Tears hidden behind a smiling face
Pain and shame buried deep down
Be strong
Be strong, she whispered to herself
You’re free
Don’t look back

F*#&in Exhausted, Part 1

I have realized that my entire life has been about proving myself and I am tired. No, I am fucking exhausted.

I'm not talking about just with men. In school, personal life, professional life...in EVERYTHING!

Freshman year of high school I took Algebra 2. There were three freshmen in my Algebra 2 class, everyone else were upperclassmen. My Algebra 2 teacher was also the MESA (Mathematics, Engineering and Science Achievement) advisor. The other two freshmen in my class were male students. Our teacher recruited the male students into MESA way before me, even though we all had A's in the class. I wasn't recruited until the end of the school year when I surpassed the entire class for the highest A in the class.

Fast forward to junior year and there are 5 juniors in my AP Calculus class (the rest were seniors). I was the only junior female. I was also President of MESA and taking Physics with seniors because I opted out of taking AP Biology with the rest of my friends. For the annual MESA Day, we took exams in our respective math levels to determine the teams. (*I should mention my school was on a track system, so for my track there were only 5 juniors taking AP Calc and the other tracks also had AP Calc classes with juniors.) The top three scores made up the team. I came in second. I outscored the two male students from my Algebra 2 class; neither of them made the team. The other two that made the team were also juniors and from a different track.

Up until the morning of the MESA Day competition, they were trying to talk me into withdrawing from the team, including our advisor. The Calc exam was hard and when I came out of it saying it was hard, they all said I blew it for the team. But then, when my two male teammates came out saying how hard it was, then suddenly it really was hard. We tied for 2nd place.

Math was my favorite subject and I was an A student. I struggled with Geometry in the 8th grade, but I was still one of the 3 A's in the class. And yet, I always had to prove myself. I was always talked down to. I worked my ass off for MESA, recruited from all the tracks, kept MESA going; made sure our legacy continued, but it still wasn't enough. We all took the same Calc exam to make the team, but somehow I wasn't good enough. It wasn't until the end of senior year, just before graduation, that our MESA advisor told me the best thing he did was recruit me into MESA.

Similarly, my Key Club advisor wasn't thrilled I was elected President for my senior year. The entire classroom had yelled out my name during nominations and I ran uncontested. I had attended almost every single event since the end of my freshman year, had gone to two Key Club conventions and even served as a voting delegate for one of them, but our faculty advisor had doubts about me. He thought I had too much on my plate. My predecessor had had too much on her plate and we had lost our standing. But going into my presidency, I had prepared for this. I hand-picked my successor for MESA and as a senior, all of my classes were scaled back. I didn't have a math nor science anymore and half of my classes were electives needed for graduation that I should have taken in previous years but couldn't because of all of my advance academic courses. 

Just like my MESA advisor, at the end of the year, as we came back from my last Key Club convention, my advisor told me about his reservations when I was first elected, but that he was proud of me: proud of all the work I had done to put our school back on top in the division and that he knew how hard a time I had but had always taken the high road. (My VP hated me. She had wanted to be president, but didn't run against me and instead made the entire year difficult and did her best to humiliate me as much as possible. I never retaliated. And even though I did all the work, I never presented it that way.) I knew I had won over my faculty advisor when we were preparing for convention and the award nominations forms were released. I was a TA in one of the computer classes and he came in to tell me he wanted to nominate me for outstanding president and for me to fill out the forms. LOL.

And this was high school; where I can easily point the finger to when it started...the breakdown of my confidence.

Alone

The tears roll down her cheek
Silent
She cries herself to sleep
Alone
Always alone

He couldn’t even look at her
He wouldn’t even kiss her
Just a look of disgust as her lips approached his
He moved away

Pushed her away

She couldn’t cry in front of him
It would only make it worse
It would only make him mad
 
He was just inside her
But he couldn’t even look at her
He had come inside her
But now he didn’t want to touch her
 
He left her without a word
Without a touch nor kiss
He was angry
But he still fucked her
Only to reject her
 
The tears roll down her cheek
She cries herself to sleep
Alone
Always alone

Don't Always Believe What's On The Surface

(Post 9 of 9)

I got really good at hiding what I was going through with F. All the pain, all the sadness and fear hidden behind a smiling face. I never talked about our relationship. If I did mention it, it was always brief mentions of how much I loved him and how happy we were; issues worked through, but nothing about the threats, the jealousy nor control. No, all of it was buried deep inside of me.

No one saw the tears. No one saw the cruel words. No one saw the manipulation.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he took over every aspect of my life. I gave him my heart and he used it to break me down, to take control. He used my love against me.

I was so ashamed.

I had always been strong and independent. I thought I was strong and independent. The truth is I always give my heart freely, hoping for acceptance and love in return, only to end up in heartache. I just want someone to love me, someone to share my life with, someone to grow old with.

With every photo I posted, every positive affirmation, I was denying my reality. I was trying to wish a happy life into existence. During the "off" months, I did everything I could to move forward, to live my life. I used those affirmations to remind myself to keep going.

It was easier to fake happiness and strength rather than admit the truth. There were, of course, moments I was happy. When he would leave me alone and I stopped worrying about what he would think, what he would say. I tried to rebuild my life in those months. But then he would come back and wreak havoc. Eyes filled with tears as I rode the train home, crying myself to sleep, even my phone gave me anxiety; afraid of getting a text message from him. How would he put me down this time? What mean thing would he say? What threat would he make?

The truth is, I have always kept things buried inside me. I'm supposed to be the strong one. I'm the one that's supportive, a great listener. Very few people have ever seen me break down. I'm the one that's always there for everyone else. But who's there for me? No one. No one is ever there for me. There is no one I can count on.

So it was easy for F. I wasn't going anywhere: I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. All I could do was put on a happy face and let the tears roll in private. Because really, that's what I've always done.