On Friday I was supposed to have my session with the master trainer, but he had an emergency so he paired me up with the trainer from the week before that was a bit condescending.
I had a good workout with him, but there's still something about him. He's definitely tough, but I don't know, he makes me feel like I'm wasting his time. Like because I'm not fit, he doesn't really want to work with me. But it's like, isn't that the entire point??? What's the point of working with someone that's already fit?!?!
Even though my session with him was all legs, I still tried the elliptical afterwards and I was able to double my time again. If you remember, the first time I could only do 2 minutes, then I went up to 4 minutes and on Friday I got all the way up to 8 minutes. WOO!! I pushed through to 8 minutes mostly because I discovered that if I hold onto the handle right in front that don't move, I don't get tired quickly. Using the other handles that move as I move my legs really burns me out. Like Zumba, I can't do both legs and arms. At least not yet.
I was really happy I got to 8 minutes, especially since my session before was all legs and I was having a little trouble towards the end. I finished up my 30 minutes of cardio with 22 minutes on the treadmill. I did my walk on the level 5 incline and increased the speed a little. I had been on 1.7, but got to 2.0 on Friday. I also worked on my form and did not hold on to the rails and only gripped the handles when I wanted to check my heart rate. I was surprised how easily I was able to do my walk without holding on considering I was afraid I was going to slide backwards and fall.
The good thing about my workouts on Friday is that machines are readily available without any wait time; the gym is practically empty!
Yesterday (Monday), I worked with the trainer from my first session. We did more this time, but I still sort of felt like she went easy on me. We mostly worked on shoulders so that was a little harder on me.
After my session I went downstairs and ended up on the treadmill because all the elliptical machines were taken. I did 30 minutes, gradually increasing the incline and speed. I started at incline level 5 and got to 6.5 (it didn't occur to me to increase incline until later in my walk). I think I got past 2.0 in speed, but can't remember how high I went. However, by the time I came back down to 1.7 and incline level 5, it felt like I wasn't even moving, so that's good in terms of being able to handle higher speeds and inclines.
I'm on my own for my next 3 workout sessions as I won't be back to my regular trainer until the Wednesday after Labor Day, but now I know lots of difference machines and exercises I can do. Plus, continue to try and double my time on the elliptical.
Tonight is Zumba, so I'm looking forward to that. I didn't get to a Zumba class this past weekend. Maybe this coming weekend...maybe. I just wish they weren't so early.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Friday, August 26, 2016
Another Sub
We had another substitute for Zumba last night. Her movements were very exaggerated and boy was she HARD!! No one could really follow along with her arm movements, so we just did what we thought or like me, sometimes I didn't do the arm movements. I have a hard time doing arm movements and the footwork to begin with so sometimes I have to forego the arm movements.
Man, she was really HARD.
She had us doing squats for an entire song...right at the beginning. I thought I was going to die!! My thighs were burning!
Some steps I could follow along, but since her movements were so exaggerated, I couldn't always tell what I was supposed to do. There's this girl that I've only seen at the Thursday class, that is always at the front of the class (I stay in the back). I like watching her because she moves so effortlessly. She's tall and has a large frame (not big) that's well proportioned and toned. She usually knows all the steps so if I get lost, I watch her to see what I'm supposed to do. The sub was also very petite so I couldn't always see her footwork and I'd look to the girl. Last night, there were times when even she couldn't follow along!
I kept muttering, "she's so hard" under my breath every time a song ended. And each song just felt so long!
My t-shirt was completely drenched in sweat, even more so than usual, and my body ached when class was over. Class went over and I missed the bus home so I took longer to change. I just sat on a bench in the locker room trying to cool down.
Before I left, out of curiosity again, I jumped on the scale. I set it to my weight from last week and it was too heavy. :) According to the scale, I lost 5 pounds - woo-hoo!!
I know I shouldn't get too excited. The scale may be off or something, but I'm still pretty happy about it. :) It would be great if I could lose another 15 pounds before my next doctor's appointment at the end of September, that way, my doctor will see that I am following her instructions and making significant strides.
Man, she was really HARD.
She had us doing squats for an entire song...right at the beginning. I thought I was going to die!! My thighs were burning!
Some steps I could follow along, but since her movements were so exaggerated, I couldn't always tell what I was supposed to do. There's this girl that I've only seen at the Thursday class, that is always at the front of the class (I stay in the back). I like watching her because she moves so effortlessly. She's tall and has a large frame (not big) that's well proportioned and toned. She usually knows all the steps so if I get lost, I watch her to see what I'm supposed to do. The sub was also very petite so I couldn't always see her footwork and I'd look to the girl. Last night, there were times when even she couldn't follow along!
I kept muttering, "she's so hard" under my breath every time a song ended. And each song just felt so long!
My t-shirt was completely drenched in sweat, even more so than usual, and my body ached when class was over. Class went over and I missed the bus home so I took longer to change. I just sat on a bench in the locker room trying to cool down.
Before I left, out of curiosity again, I jumped on the scale. I set it to my weight from last week and it was too heavy. :) According to the scale, I lost 5 pounds - woo-hoo!!
I know I shouldn't get too excited. The scale may be off or something, but I'm still pretty happy about it. :) It would be great if I could lose another 15 pounds before my next doctor's appointment at the end of September, that way, my doctor will see that I am following her instructions and making significant strides.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
I should also mention that I really like how I feel after my workouts/Zumba. Yes, I'm tired, but I also feel rejuvenated. There's a layer of sweat on my skin, everywhere, and I do mean everywhere, but there's also a tingly sensation to my skin. This could be why I haven't let the laziness in me take over. :)
Wednesday Workout
I left work later than I usually do and by the time I got to the gym for my workout, it was busier than usual so there was wait time for machines. My trainer had given me instructions to work on chest & shoulders, which was great because my legs were still achy and tired. I did do one leg machine and boy was that difficult.
For my pre-workout warm-up, I decided to see if I could increase my time on the elliptical. Remember, on Friday, I could only do 2 minutes. Yesterday I doubled it and did 4 minutes. Yay! But, boy was it hard, especially since my legs were achy. But I powered through and made it to 4 minutes. I briefly wondered if I could make it to 5 minutes, but decided not to push it. ;)
After my workout upstairs on the machines, I came downstairs and did another 30 minutes on the treadmill with an incline of 5. I still don't know what that means, but it must be good because I kept looking at the people running/walking on the machines around me and most of them had it set at 0 or just at 1 or 2.
(So I just Googled it and I need to work on my form. I hold on to the rails and while I don't lean back, but stay straight, towards the end of the walk, when I need to push through to the end, I do hunch my shoulders and lean forward a little bit. It's just that when I don't hold on, I feel myself moving backwards and I think I'm going to fall. I'll work on not holding on.)
I made a workout playlist for my iPod and I am totally one of those people on the treadmill that starts swaying and dancing to the music. I don't care, whatever gets me through it, right? LOL. :)
For my pre-workout warm-up, I decided to see if I could increase my time on the elliptical. Remember, on Friday, I could only do 2 minutes. Yesterday I doubled it and did 4 minutes. Yay! But, boy was it hard, especially since my legs were achy. But I powered through and made it to 4 minutes. I briefly wondered if I could make it to 5 minutes, but decided not to push it. ;)
After my workout upstairs on the machines, I came downstairs and did another 30 minutes on the treadmill with an incline of 5. I still don't know what that means, but it must be good because I kept looking at the people running/walking on the machines around me and most of them had it set at 0 or just at 1 or 2.
(So I just Googled it and I need to work on my form. I hold on to the rails and while I don't lean back, but stay straight, towards the end of the walk, when I need to push through to the end, I do hunch my shoulders and lean forward a little bit. It's just that when I don't hold on, I feel myself moving backwards and I think I'm going to fall. I'll work on not holding on.)
I made a workout playlist for my iPod and I am totally one of those people on the treadmill that starts swaying and dancing to the music. I don't care, whatever gets me through it, right? LOL. :)
Inner Thighs
Since I've noticed a difference, I keep staring at myself in the mirror. I believe I have narrowed down the most significant change; my inner things. I have flabby arms and well, my inner thighs are the same, er, were the same. When I'm standing up, you can see the droop lines if I'm naked (or just in underwear) or wearing bike shorts/leggings.
Last night, I changed into my workout clothes, went into the bathroom and when I came out of the stall, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed that I could hardly see the droop lines. I was wearing capri leggings and not the spandex type that would smooth out the lines, just regular cotton leggings. I remember just a few sessions ago being in front of the large mirror wall as I did the exercises my trainer laid out and looking at myself and then looking down because the droop lines were noticeable.
And now I keep staring down at my inner thighs and looking at them in the mirror. They're not completely smooth, but I can tell the difference. I've been thinking about what exercises I've been doing that would have affected them. I haven't been doing any "thigh master" type exercises. I do do side lunges and I wonder if my time on the bike helped too.
Last night, I changed into my workout clothes, went into the bathroom and when I came out of the stall, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed that I could hardly see the droop lines. I was wearing capri leggings and not the spandex type that would smooth out the lines, just regular cotton leggings. I remember just a few sessions ago being in front of the large mirror wall as I did the exercises my trainer laid out and looking at myself and then looking down because the droop lines were noticeable.
And now I keep staring down at my inner thighs and looking at them in the mirror. They're not completely smooth, but I can tell the difference. I've been thinking about what exercises I've been doing that would have affected them. I haven't been doing any "thigh master" type exercises. I do do side lunges and I wonder if my time on the bike helped too.
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
A Difference
I'm only on my 3rd week of working out and I can already see a difference, slight changes.
At the gym by my house, they have a scale in the women's locker room so after Zumba last Thursday, out of curiosity I hopped on. I was a bit disappointed because I weighed the same as my last doctor's appointment at the end of June. I thought for sure it had gone down. I know the master trainer at the gym said my weight may go up as I build muscle, but still.
Regardless of the number on the scale, I do feel different.
And maybe look a little different.
Last night as I was changing into my workout clothes for Zumba, the section of lockers I was using has a long mirror in front of them and when I stood up dressed, I caught a glimpse of myself and did a double-take. When I started my new job 5 months ago, I looked pregnant. My belly protruded past my boobs. I've always tried to make sure my boobs protrude farther out that my tummy, but 5 months ago that was not the case. I've also always had a front butt and most of the time, it protruded out more than my tummy. And even when my tummy hasn't protruded out more than my boobs, there have still been the side rolls. I'm very oddly shaped.
Even before I started working out, due to the change in my diet, I no longer looked pregnant, so I was happy about that. Let me tell you, even though F knew I was on birth control and had been for the last year, he was beginning to worry, so it's good that my tummy went down without a crying child being produced. LOL.
But last night I did a double take because my tummy and front butt are evening out and I looked flatter than I ever have. I still have my front butt and tummy rolls, but there's a difference.
I just went to the bathroom and I'm wearing Spanx so I had to take my dress off and I was looking at myself in the mirror and maybe it's not so much that I'm evening out, but my front butt looks like it's going down. Heck, I'll take that. My front butt has always bothered me because I have to buy larger pants and jeans because of it and then my legs are swimming in them. Like I said, I'm oddly shaped.
The difference isn't just physical. I still get winded easily and am panting through my workouts and Zumba, but I'm making progress on my breathing and there's a point in my workouts when my lungs seem to open up. I get this sudden rush and feeling of being able to breathe easier.
So even though I'm new to this whole working out, progress is being made. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In addition to the above, the most important visible difference (visible to me, at least), is the effect daily exercise has had on my blood glucose levels. They've been on the lower end of the average range, so double YAY!! :) :)
At the gym by my house, they have a scale in the women's locker room so after Zumba last Thursday, out of curiosity I hopped on. I was a bit disappointed because I weighed the same as my last doctor's appointment at the end of June. I thought for sure it had gone down. I know the master trainer at the gym said my weight may go up as I build muscle, but still.
Regardless of the number on the scale, I do feel different.
And maybe look a little different.
Last night as I was changing into my workout clothes for Zumba, the section of lockers I was using has a long mirror in front of them and when I stood up dressed, I caught a glimpse of myself and did a double-take. When I started my new job 5 months ago, I looked pregnant. My belly protruded past my boobs. I've always tried to make sure my boobs protrude farther out that my tummy, but 5 months ago that was not the case. I've also always had a front butt and most of the time, it protruded out more than my tummy. And even when my tummy hasn't protruded out more than my boobs, there have still been the side rolls. I'm very oddly shaped.
Even before I started working out, due to the change in my diet, I no longer looked pregnant, so I was happy about that. Let me tell you, even though F knew I was on birth control and had been for the last year, he was beginning to worry, so it's good that my tummy went down without a crying child being produced. LOL.
But last night I did a double take because my tummy and front butt are evening out and I looked flatter than I ever have. I still have my front butt and tummy rolls, but there's a difference.
I just went to the bathroom and I'm wearing Spanx so I had to take my dress off and I was looking at myself in the mirror and maybe it's not so much that I'm evening out, but my front butt looks like it's going down. Heck, I'll take that. My front butt has always bothered me because I have to buy larger pants and jeans because of it and then my legs are swimming in them. Like I said, I'm oddly shaped.
The difference isn't just physical. I still get winded easily and am panting through my workouts and Zumba, but I'm making progress on my breathing and there's a point in my workouts when my lungs seem to open up. I get this sudden rush and feeling of being able to breathe easier.
So even though I'm new to this whole working out, progress is being made. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In addition to the above, the most important visible difference (visible to me, at least), is the effect daily exercise has had on my blood glucose levels. They've been on the lower end of the average range, so double YAY!! :) :)
Training and Zumba
I've been trying to do my training session and Zumba posts separately, but since I didn't have time to recap my Monday session yesterday, today is 2-in-1.
I was back with my regular trainer on Monday and we had a good session. I told him what my Friday trainer said about the bike and he said it was OK for me to do the bike as I work my way up to the elliptical. He did reiterate that I should do the treadmill and set it on an incline.
For my session, we did a couple machines that I'd done before, this time with increased weight. And then we did some core exercises.
As the month is coming to an end, I was wondering when I was supposed to schedule my sessions for next month. I was going to ask, but luckily, he brought it up at the end of our session and I scheduled my September sessions with him. I prefer keeping things consistent and just working with one trainer.
So after my session, I was going to try the elliptical again, but all the machines were taken and so were the bikes, so I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, at an incline of 5. I don't really know what that means, but my t-shirt was drenched in sweat when I was done and my legs were sore yesterday.
Actually, they still are.
Zumba was a little harder last night because of it. I was just a little more tired overall yesterday and had trouble keeping up with the class. My body was achy and even my back hurt a bit too.
When it comes to Zumba, though, I'm proud of myself because I just keep moving and stay for the entire class (55 minutes). There are others that don't make it through to the end, but I just keep moving, even if I'm not doing the right steps or in sync with the class because there are definitely times I'm doing the right steps but opposite of the class. ;)
Like I wrote, last night was a little harder though and I was achy and tired at the end of class. Today my legs are still achy. Thank goodness training is on my own tonight and he told me to work on shoulders and chest. I'll try the elliptical if any machines are available, and if not, back on the treadmill.
I was back with my regular trainer on Monday and we had a good session. I told him what my Friday trainer said about the bike and he said it was OK for me to do the bike as I work my way up to the elliptical. He did reiterate that I should do the treadmill and set it on an incline.
For my session, we did a couple machines that I'd done before, this time with increased weight. And then we did some core exercises.
As the month is coming to an end, I was wondering when I was supposed to schedule my sessions for next month. I was going to ask, but luckily, he brought it up at the end of our session and I scheduled my September sessions with him. I prefer keeping things consistent and just working with one trainer.
So after my session, I was going to try the elliptical again, but all the machines were taken and so were the bikes, so I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, at an incline of 5. I don't really know what that means, but my t-shirt was drenched in sweat when I was done and my legs were sore yesterday.
Actually, they still are.
Zumba was a little harder last night because of it. I was just a little more tired overall yesterday and had trouble keeping up with the class. My body was achy and even my back hurt a bit too.
When it comes to Zumba, though, I'm proud of myself because I just keep moving and stay for the entire class (55 minutes). There are others that don't make it through to the end, but I just keep moving, even if I'm not doing the right steps or in sync with the class because there are definitely times I'm doing the right steps but opposite of the class. ;)
Like I wrote, last night was a little harder though and I was achy and tired at the end of class. Today my legs are still achy. Thank goodness training is on my own tonight and he told me to work on shoulders and chest. I'll try the elliptical if any machines are available, and if not, back on the treadmill.
Monday, August 22, 2016
Friday Workout - New Trainer
I had a different trainer on Friday and I'm not sure how I feel about him.
On the one hand, we went through other machines and he gave me other exercises to do on my own at home.
But on the other hand, he was a bit condescending.
I haven't been working out very long. Just completed 2 full weeks in 20+ years. That's a big deal. At least it is to me. And I don't appreciate being told that working on the bike is nothing because you just sit there and don't have to focus. Excuse me! I know I should do the elliptical, but I'm working my way up to it. It has taken a lot of focus and pushing myself to get to 20 minutes on the bike after my workout sessions, so I definitely don't appreciate you belittling my effort. My effort of TWO WEEKS!!!
You want me to buy a jump rope and do 30 minutes every day, I will do it!
You want me to do leg lifts (or whatever they're called) every day, I will do it!!
Yes, I know my core is weak. I'm fuckin' FAT!! Of course it's going to be weak when I haven't done any kind of exercise in 20+ years. That's why I'm at the gym now! That's why I'm paying extra for a trainer! So I can friggin' work on all this!!
I tried the elliptical after my session and was only able to do 2 minutes, so I finished my 20 minutes of cardio with 18 on the bike. I'll just keep working on it and try to grow the amount of time I can do on the elliptical.
I didn't end up going to Zumba over the weekend, not because I was de-motivated by my Friday trainer, but because F didn't get back to me in time as to whether or not we were doing something on Saturday, so I ended up sleeping in. I needed it, though, since I didn't get a lot of sleep last week.
It's a new week. Today I have a session with my regular trainer and on Friday I have one with the master trainer, plus the one on my own; and I put the two Zumba classes on my calendar. I have to get a jump rope and figure out where/when I can get those 30 minutes a day in.
On the one hand, we went through other machines and he gave me other exercises to do on my own at home.
But on the other hand, he was a bit condescending.
I haven't been working out very long. Just completed 2 full weeks in 20+ years. That's a big deal. At least it is to me. And I don't appreciate being told that working on the bike is nothing because you just sit there and don't have to focus. Excuse me! I know I should do the elliptical, but I'm working my way up to it. It has taken a lot of focus and pushing myself to get to 20 minutes on the bike after my workout sessions, so I definitely don't appreciate you belittling my effort. My effort of TWO WEEKS!!!
You want me to buy a jump rope and do 30 minutes every day, I will do it!
You want me to do leg lifts (or whatever they're called) every day, I will do it!!
Yes, I know my core is weak. I'm fuckin' FAT!! Of course it's going to be weak when I haven't done any kind of exercise in 20+ years. That's why I'm at the gym now! That's why I'm paying extra for a trainer! So I can friggin' work on all this!!
I tried the elliptical after my session and was only able to do 2 minutes, so I finished my 20 minutes of cardio with 18 on the bike. I'll just keep working on it and try to grow the amount of time I can do on the elliptical.
I didn't end up going to Zumba over the weekend, not because I was de-motivated by my Friday trainer, but because F didn't get back to me in time as to whether or not we were doing something on Saturday, so I ended up sleeping in. I needed it, though, since I didn't get a lot of sleep last week.
It's a new week. Today I have a session with my regular trainer and on Friday I have one with the master trainer, plus the one on my own; and I put the two Zumba classes on my calendar. I have to get a jump rope and figure out where/when I can get those 30 minutes a day in.
Friday, August 19, 2016
Thursday Night Zumba
We had a substitute for Zumba last night. Class was led by a male instructor and his routines were more like Tuesday's instructor. A lot of arm movement. Totally felt like drill team. :)
I seem to be getting the hang of it as I was actually able to follow along sometimes and was actually in sync with the class a few times. :) :) :)
I almost didn't go to class last night because I felt a little weird all day and my tummy felt weird, but I sucked it up and went. I'm glad I did.
I really wanted to see if I could handle 2 classes of Zumba with my 3 days of training. We'll see how I feel tonight after training, but so far so good. So much so that I'm seriously thinking of taking the 9:45am Zumba class tomorrow and then hitting the pool. That sounds wonderful, doesn't it? :)
I seem to be getting the hang of it as I was actually able to follow along sometimes and was actually in sync with the class a few times. :) :) :)
I almost didn't go to class last night because I felt a little weird all day and my tummy felt weird, but I sucked it up and went. I'm glad I did.
I really wanted to see if I could handle 2 classes of Zumba with my 3 days of training. We'll see how I feel tonight after training, but so far so good. So much so that I'm seriously thinking of taking the 9:45am Zumba class tomorrow and then hitting the pool. That sounds wonderful, doesn't it? :)
Wednesday Workout
On Wednesday I was on my own again and I did a better job of keeping track of my time. Since we did a lot of chest work on Monday, my trainer said I could focus on my legs for Wednesday (even though every workout should be a combo of both). So I did just that, focused on my legs for my 30 minute workout and then did 20 minutes on the bike.
I did have to push myself a little to finish the 20 minutes on the bike. I really try bopping to the music on my iPod and sometimes I close my eyes to really focus. But mostly, I'm bopping along to the music as I people watch the others in the gym. That really does help get me through my time on the bike. ;)
Tonight, I have a session with a different trainer. A little concerned because I heard he's tough. I really like the trainer I've been work with. I'm back with him on Monday, but then I have a session with the master trainer and the female trainer I first worked with to round out the month.
I think when I schedule my sessions for September, I'm going to schedule them all with the one I've been working with. He gets me.
I did have to push myself a little to finish the 20 minutes on the bike. I really try bopping to the music on my iPod and sometimes I close my eyes to really focus. But mostly, I'm bopping along to the music as I people watch the others in the gym. That really does help get me through my time on the bike. ;)
Tonight, I have a session with a different trainer. A little concerned because I heard he's tough. I really like the trainer I've been work with. I'm back with him on Monday, but then I have a session with the master trainer and the female trainer I first worked with to round out the month.
I think when I schedule my sessions for September, I'm going to schedule them all with the one I've been working with. He gets me.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Dinner Time
The only hiccup with my new workout routine is the time I eat dinner.
F told me I shouldn't eat before my workouts and to wait until after. When I have my sessions with the trainer (or on my own) over here by work, it's not a huge problem because I don't really get out late. A few times I've been able to stop by Trader Joe's on my way to the gym and grab a salad. I end up eating it on the train home. More often than not, though, I don't stop and when I get out of the gym, it's a direct line to the train station and it feels friggin' far to walk back to Trader Joe's. Plus, even though I don't get out Zumba late, it still is later and even 20 extra minutes to catch the train could mean waiting an eternity for my last bus home from the blue line. So then I'm not eating dinner until 9pm or so.
And on Zumba days, well....last night I didn't get home until 10pm and I wasn't done with dinner until almost 10:30, which then meant I had to force myself to stay awake until 11:30pm because I need to check my blood glucose an hour after I eat. Which is also hard to do on my workout days if I eat on the train going home because I'm still on my way home an hour later.
So really, that's the main problem. I need to eat dinner at a reasonable time so I can 1) take my evening meds and 2) check my blood glucose.
I know I'll figure it out eventually. I just need to get on a schedule.
F told me I shouldn't eat before my workouts and to wait until after. When I have my sessions with the trainer (or on my own) over here by work, it's not a huge problem because I don't really get out late. A few times I've been able to stop by Trader Joe's on my way to the gym and grab a salad. I end up eating it on the train home. More often than not, though, I don't stop and when I get out of the gym, it's a direct line to the train station and it feels friggin' far to walk back to Trader Joe's. Plus, even though I don't get out Zumba late, it still is later and even 20 extra minutes to catch the train could mean waiting an eternity for my last bus home from the blue line. So then I'm not eating dinner until 9pm or so.
And on Zumba days, well....last night I didn't get home until 10pm and I wasn't done with dinner until almost 10:30, which then meant I had to force myself to stay awake until 11:30pm because I need to check my blood glucose an hour after I eat. Which is also hard to do on my workout days if I eat on the train going home because I'm still on my way home an hour later.
So really, that's the main problem. I need to eat dinner at a reasonable time so I can 1) take my evening meds and 2) check my blood glucose.
I know I'll figure it out eventually. I just need to get on a schedule.
2nd Zumba Class
I did the 8pm Zumba class at the gym by my house last night. This class was led by a different instructor with a completely different style. Her routines incorporated more arm movements and I felt like I was in drill team. ;)
Still had difficulty following the steps, but I just kept moving. I really cannot do the traditional Latin dance steps. :(
In addition to the different instructor, I also only recognized 1 person from last week's class. Maybe people go to classes depending on the instructor and not the time like I do.
I liked both instructors. Last week's routines were high-energy. This week's were a little more mellow. Don't get me wrong, I was still sweating a ton and my t-shirt was completely drenched and I totally knocked out again as soon as I got home.
As I was changing after class I thought it would be a great time to get in the pool, if only it wasn't already late. This past weekend, I didn't do anything because I was so tired, but I think I was so tired because it was my first full week of working out. The last time I did any kind of working out was probably October of 1993 in my 10th grade gym class. OK, no wait, I did have to take swim classes in college to learn how to swim for the swim requirement. I took two quarters of swimming my sophomore year. Still, it's been a looooooooong time, so of course I was going to be tired last week.
Remember how I wrote that I just felt tired on Friday, even before I went into my workout (that I over did)? I was able to walk normally and go down the stairs without any pain, but I noticed how tired I was just walking and going about my normal activities. And then I did my workout and I couldn't even do my regular 15 minutes on the bike (I stopped after 5 mins) and I was sore & achy. My body was just tired, period.
We'll see how my workout goes tonight. I'm on my own again and this time I'm going to keep an eye on the time and limit myself to 30 minutes of training (not including the bike) like I do with the trainer. But I don't think I'll be tired like I was on Friday.
Going back to the pool thing....seeing as I feel like I was so tired and achy because it was my first real week of working out in 20 years, I think I'll try at least one morning Zumba class this weekend and then get in the pool. I bet it's going to feel great! :)
I was also looking at some of the other classes, like Step Plus Abs and Body Works Plus Abs. I watched the videos linked for them and maybe I'll try one or two classes. But, ugh! I hated step aerobics in school.
Still had difficulty following the steps, but I just kept moving. I really cannot do the traditional Latin dance steps. :(
In addition to the different instructor, I also only recognized 1 person from last week's class. Maybe people go to classes depending on the instructor and not the time like I do.
I liked both instructors. Last week's routines were high-energy. This week's were a little more mellow. Don't get me wrong, I was still sweating a ton and my t-shirt was completely drenched and I totally knocked out again as soon as I got home.
As I was changing after class I thought it would be a great time to get in the pool, if only it wasn't already late. This past weekend, I didn't do anything because I was so tired, but I think I was so tired because it was my first full week of working out. The last time I did any kind of working out was probably October of 1993 in my 10th grade gym class. OK, no wait, I did have to take swim classes in college to learn how to swim for the swim requirement. I took two quarters of swimming my sophomore year. Still, it's been a looooooooong time, so of course I was going to be tired last week.
Remember how I wrote that I just felt tired on Friday, even before I went into my workout (that I over did)? I was able to walk normally and go down the stairs without any pain, but I noticed how tired I was just walking and going about my normal activities. And then I did my workout and I couldn't even do my regular 15 minutes on the bike (I stopped after 5 mins) and I was sore & achy. My body was just tired, period.
We'll see how my workout goes tonight. I'm on my own again and this time I'm going to keep an eye on the time and limit myself to 30 minutes of training (not including the bike) like I do with the trainer. But I don't think I'll be tired like I was on Friday.
Going back to the pool thing....seeing as I feel like I was so tired and achy because it was my first real week of working out in 20 years, I think I'll try at least one morning Zumba class this weekend and then get in the pool. I bet it's going to feel great! :)
I was also looking at some of the other classes, like Step Plus Abs and Body Works Plus Abs. I watched the videos linked for them and maybe I'll try one or two classes. But, ugh! I hated step aerobics in school.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Monday Workout
I had a good session last night. My trainer had me work out on some new machines and I did variations of some exercises he's had me do before. The highlight of my workout last night, though, was that I made it to 20 minutes on the bikes. Actually 22, but don't tell the master trainer. He doesn't want me doing more than 20 minutes of cardio right now. The only reason it got to 22 minutes is because I hit cool down at 19 and that's 3 minutes.
Those 2 extra minutes took me to 4 miles on the bike. Woo-hoo!!
For me, though, the best part is that in terms of sweating, I cooled down quickly. Yes, my t-shirt was drenched in sweat, but I only had to sit in the locker room for a few minutes before I changed and when I left the gym, I wasn't sweating anymore. :)
Last summer, when I was walking a lot playing Ingress, I noticed that I wasn't sweating nearly as much as I used to, even when I was walking all over my city in the middle of the day. I kept equating it to my stamina being improved. :)
Tonight I have Zumba again. Eventually I'll get the steps. For now, just gotta keep moving.
Those 2 extra minutes took me to 4 miles on the bike. Woo-hoo!!
For me, though, the best part is that in terms of sweating, I cooled down quickly. Yes, my t-shirt was drenched in sweat, but I only had to sit in the locker room for a few minutes before I changed and when I left the gym, I wasn't sweating anymore. :)
Last summer, when I was walking a lot playing Ingress, I noticed that I wasn't sweating nearly as much as I used to, even when I was walking all over my city in the middle of the day. I kept equating it to my stamina being improved. :)
Tonight I have Zumba again. Eventually I'll get the steps. For now, just gotta keep moving.
Saturday, August 13, 2016
Over Did It
I am so sore and tired today.
I knew I had overdone it last night as I left the gym. I just felt really tired and I was achy.
I felt loss working out without a trainer telling me what to do and how to do it. I used some of the machines he recommended it, but I hadn't used them before so I felt like a dork looking at the little pictures and reading the "instructions."
I did 10 mins on the bike to warm up - and yes, there was totally something wrong with the pedals on the bike I used Thursday night - and ended up doing my workout for about 45-50 minutes. Then I tried to do my usual 14-15 mins on the bike to end my workout, but I couldn't make it past 5 mins.
Just kept thinking, "yup, I over did it!"
When I left the gym, I decided I was going to totally take it easy this weekend and not do Zumba or anything. It popped into my head to maybe go swimming and then I remembered I was supposed to volunteer this morning, but I was just too tired. Still tired. I've mostly just been lying in bed and napping.
That's probably bad, right? I gotta keep moving so I don't tighten up....but I have to rest, too, right? :)
Tomorrow I'll move since I have to do all my errands.
Friday, August 12, 2016
No Rhythm
Zumba was hard. I just tried to keep moving last night because I couldn't catch on to the steps. I would kind of get them, but had no rhythm whatsoever.
The class was an hour long and I was exhausted when it was over. I was also drenched in sweat. The front AND back of my t-shirt was one big sweat stain. It was almost 9:30 when class let out (the instructor arrived late) and I didn't want to wait another half hour for the bus, so I took a Lyft home and knocked out.
It's funny because on Monday & Wednesday, when I had training, I would come home and I was wide awake. Those days I didn't fall asleep until Midnight (which is bad because I have to get up at 5am). But with Zumba last night, I fell asleep quickly. Just rolled over and I was out.
Today, my legs aren't sore and I can walk up and down the stairs normally, but they do feel tired. Yesterday, too, though, before Zumba class I did 10 mins on a bike and it was so friggin' hard. I think it was partly the bike - the pedals seemed off - but I had to force myself to finish the 10 mins. My legs felt so tired, I was worried about how they would handle Zumba, but I was good.
I think I'll take it easy on my legs today and do more of the chest exercises, or we'll see how I feel....
Originally, I thought I would take a Zumba class this weekend (even though they're so early in the morning!), but I think I'll take F's advice and not overdo it and just take it easy this weekend. On Monday I'll be back with the trainer. Now I just have to decide if I'm up for Zumba on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
The class was an hour long and I was exhausted when it was over. I was also drenched in sweat. The front AND back of my t-shirt was one big sweat stain. It was almost 9:30 when class let out (the instructor arrived late) and I didn't want to wait another half hour for the bus, so I took a Lyft home and knocked out.
It's funny because on Monday & Wednesday, when I had training, I would come home and I was wide awake. Those days I didn't fall asleep until Midnight (which is bad because I have to get up at 5am). But with Zumba last night, I fell asleep quickly. Just rolled over and I was out.
Today, my legs aren't sore and I can walk up and down the stairs normally, but they do feel tired. Yesterday, too, though, before Zumba class I did 10 mins on a bike and it was so friggin' hard. I think it was partly the bike - the pedals seemed off - but I had to force myself to finish the 10 mins. My legs felt so tired, I was worried about how they would handle Zumba, but I was good.
I think I'll take it easy on my legs today and do more of the chest exercises, or we'll see how I feel....
Originally, I thought I would take a Zumba class this weekend (even though they're so early in the morning!), but I think I'll take F's advice and not overdo it and just take it easy this weekend. On Monday I'll be back with the trainer. Now I just have to decide if I'm up for Zumba on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
3rd PT Session
I was worried about training last night because my legs were still sore. In the morning, I had mentioned to F that it really hurt to walk down the stairs and he said to focus on the steps and push through the pain; that's what he does when he's sore. So I did and the stairs were more manageable. In fact, I noticed, that as I walked around more, my legs hurt less. They were the worst each time I got up from sitting at my desk.
Still, I was worried, I mean, it was difficult just to sit down on the toilet seat (it's too low in my office).
Of course, yesterday is the day my boss decides to ask me to pull some information for him that I've never had to do and am not completely sure how to do so it took me awhile and I ended up leaving slightly later than I intended. At my second session, the trainer said I should do at least 10 mins on a bike or elliptical before our training session as a warm-up, so I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to change and get in at least 10 mins.
I ended up doing 6 mins and the good thing was that as soon as I started pedaling, my legs felt fine. No soreness or pain. :)
For my workout this time, he had me different exercises and I used 2 new machines. The lunges did hurt, though, but I just pushed through the pain; like F suggested. When our time was up, I mentioned that the master trainer said he would tell me what I should do for my next workout since I'm on my own on Friday. I mentioned my legs and he said that if they still hurt on Friday, then not to do many of the leg exercises and focus more on the chest.
But like I said, my legs were fine as we worked out and didn't hurt much. Heck, I practically ran down the stairs to continue my workout on a bike. Yup, that's how good my legs felt. I did another 14 mins (2 1/2 miles) on a bike before going home. I would like to try the elliptical, but as my friend keeps reminding me...baby steps.
After sitting 40 mins on the train, another 20 mins on another train, and 15 mins on the bus, my legs were back to being sore. Inactivity is a killer. :(
They're not so bad today. While I'm not running down the stairs today, I can walk down normally. Uni cancelled on me for Zumba, but I'm still going to go by myself. I'm going to try to make it to the 8pm class at the gym closer to home, instead of the 7pm class by work.
F doesn't want me to overdo it, so he just said to be careful. We'll see how tonight goes and let's hope I can remember all the exercises to do on my own on Friday.
Still, I was worried, I mean, it was difficult just to sit down on the toilet seat (it's too low in my office).
Of course, yesterday is the day my boss decides to ask me to pull some information for him that I've never had to do and am not completely sure how to do so it took me awhile and I ended up leaving slightly later than I intended. At my second session, the trainer said I should do at least 10 mins on a bike or elliptical before our training session as a warm-up, so I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to change and get in at least 10 mins.
I ended up doing 6 mins and the good thing was that as soon as I started pedaling, my legs felt fine. No soreness or pain. :)
For my workout this time, he had me different exercises and I used 2 new machines. The lunges did hurt, though, but I just pushed through the pain; like F suggested. When our time was up, I mentioned that the master trainer said he would tell me what I should do for my next workout since I'm on my own on Friday. I mentioned my legs and he said that if they still hurt on Friday, then not to do many of the leg exercises and focus more on the chest.
But like I said, my legs were fine as we worked out and didn't hurt much. Heck, I practically ran down the stairs to continue my workout on a bike. Yup, that's how good my legs felt. I did another 14 mins (2 1/2 miles) on a bike before going home. I would like to try the elliptical, but as my friend keeps reminding me...baby steps.
After sitting 40 mins on the train, another 20 mins on another train, and 15 mins on the bus, my legs were back to being sore. Inactivity is a killer. :(
They're not so bad today. While I'm not running down the stairs today, I can walk down normally. Uni cancelled on me for Zumba, but I'm still going to go by myself. I'm going to try to make it to the 8pm class at the gym closer to home, instead of the 7pm class by work.
F doesn't want me to overdo it, so he just said to be careful. We'll see how tonight goes and let's hope I can remember all the exercises to do on my own on Friday.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Monday, August 8, 2016
Truth Comes Out
I would really like to go to sleep now but I need to wait another 30 minutes so I can check my blood. And there it is...the reason why my doctor wants me to lose weight. Yes, I'm diabetic. I have to check my blood glucose twice a day. No more soda, no more chocolate, no more cuppycakes. I have to watch my carbs because carbs really send your blood glucose into overdrive.
I'm on two diabetes meds, one for cholestoral, another for my liver (as a safeguard from the diabetes meds), baby aspirin, Calcium because I'm on the depo provera shot, and a weekly dose of Vitamin D because somehow my Vitamin D levels came back low (I guess I'm spending too much time indoors now.).
I've cut so much out of my diet and added so many greens. I can't eat that much red meat so I treat myself with a double cheeseburger one day a week. Of course, no fries, so I eat it with steamed broccoli & cauliflower; it's not so bad. My meals are pretty boring now. I really need to research fun and easy recipes because I'm getting sick of chicken and salad.
I have to make sure I eat 3 meals a day, including breakfast, because if I don't, my system goes all wonky. I'm always hungry. It's a never-ending pang. I can finish lunch and I will still have an empty feeling in my stomach. I'm starting to feel like it's never going to go away. I had to go to a nutritionist and she recommended certain snacks for in between meals, but I always tend to eat more than the recommended serving and still, the hunger does not go away. Does it ever....?
2nd PT Session
Clearly my trainer on Friday went easy on me. I liked my trainer today because he put me to work. On Friday, the back of the neckline on my t-shirt had some sweat on it, but today, the front and back was drenched and even my shorts had sweat marks on them. Not only did he work me out during our 30 minute session, but without me bringing it up, he asked if I was told to continue my workout after each session. I told him no and that I was actually going to ask about that today. So he told me to do time on a bike, elliptical or treadmill after we're done training; that it's the most effective time. He told me to start out slowly, say do 10 minutes and then work up to 15 and then 20 and so forth.
Today, we started out with five exercises using a different weights. I did 15 reps of each exercise in 3 sets. By the time I was doing the last set of Step Knee Ups, my legs were wobbly. And then he had me do a set of 3 other exercises.
When our session was done, I went downstairs and ended up choosing a bike. Mostly because that side was fairly empty and I thought I could handle 10 minutes on a bike versus an elliptical (mostly because I haven't used an elliptical) and walking on a treadmill, even on an incline as he suggested, seemed boring. (*I reserve the right to change my mind. Hey, this is about pushing myself, right??) I ended up doing almost 15 minutes for 2 miles on the bike. The only reason I stopped is because the seat was getting uncomfortable. It was a good thing I stopped anyway, as my legs were wobbly the second I got off the bike.
I sat in the locker room for a bit, trying to cool down and stop sweating so I wouldn't drench my blouse in sweat. Total failure, but hey, at least it was a light colored shirt so you couldn't tell all that much. :)
I'm totally going to sleep well tonight.
Tomorrow is a rest day, mostly because I have an event. I have another session with this same trainer on Wednesday, on Thursday Uni and I are trying out a Zumba class (which if goes well, I'll be adding to my schedule for Tues & Thurs), and then on Friday I'll do a workout session on my own.
For the weekend, I may try swimming, Zumba or a Yoga class. I used to be so flexible so it would be nice to work on improving it.
To be honest, I was a little disappointed after my session on Friday. I thought, "this is what I'm paying for??" But after today I'm quite happy with my decision. I just worry that I may become annoying. I feel like I need a lot of direction. I don't know what I'm doing and just really need them to tell me what to do, especially for the days I'm working out on my own.
Today, we started out with five exercises using a different weights. I did 15 reps of each exercise in 3 sets. By the time I was doing the last set of Step Knee Ups, my legs were wobbly. And then he had me do a set of 3 other exercises.
When our session was done, I went downstairs and ended up choosing a bike. Mostly because that side was fairly empty and I thought I could handle 10 minutes on a bike versus an elliptical (mostly because I haven't used an elliptical) and walking on a treadmill, even on an incline as he suggested, seemed boring. (*I reserve the right to change my mind. Hey, this is about pushing myself, right??) I ended up doing almost 15 minutes for 2 miles on the bike. The only reason I stopped is because the seat was getting uncomfortable. It was a good thing I stopped anyway, as my legs were wobbly the second I got off the bike.
I sat in the locker room for a bit, trying to cool down and stop sweating so I wouldn't drench my blouse in sweat. Total failure, but hey, at least it was a light colored shirt so you couldn't tell all that much. :)
I'm totally going to sleep well tonight.
Tomorrow is a rest day, mostly because I have an event. I have another session with this same trainer on Wednesday, on Thursday Uni and I are trying out a Zumba class (which if goes well, I'll be adding to my schedule for Tues & Thurs), and then on Friday I'll do a workout session on my own.
For the weekend, I may try swimming, Zumba or a Yoga class. I used to be so flexible so it would be nice to work on improving it.
To be honest, I was a little disappointed after my session on Friday. I thought, "this is what I'm paying for??" But after today I'm quite happy with my decision. I just worry that I may become annoying. I feel like I need a lot of direction. I don't know what I'm doing and just really need them to tell me what to do, especially for the days I'm working out on my own.
Little Moments
My favorite moments with F are after we've been intimate. That's when our true intimacy happens. Sometimes we lay there in silence, wrapped in each others arms. A time or two we've actually dozed off. Other times we're wrapped in each others arms as we talk about our day, work or whatever comes to mind. These are the times we bond; the times I feel how much I mean to him regardless of how much he tries to keep me at arms distance.
He's very good at keeping me at arms distance. But when we're physically together, his walls come down and his feeling shine through. Too often I get the sense that he doesn't feel like he deserves love. He's very straightforward, blunt; and oftentimes he comes off as an asshole, but we've been together long enough now that I know his intentions. I see when I've gotten through and it scares him so he'll do something to keep a safe distance from me. I know when not to push. I just bask in our time together and let it happen naturally, on his terms. But most importantly, no matter what he does, I continue to love him and make sure he knows that not only does he deserve love, he's earned mine.
He's very good at keeping me at arms distance. But when we're physically together, his walls come down and his feeling shine through. Too often I get the sense that he doesn't feel like he deserves love. He's very straightforward, blunt; and oftentimes he comes off as an asshole, but we've been together long enough now that I know his intentions. I see when I've gotten through and it scares him so he'll do something to keep a safe distance from me. I know when not to push. I just bask in our time together and let it happen naturally, on his terms. But most importantly, no matter what he does, I continue to love him and make sure he knows that not only does he deserve love, he's earned mine.
First Workout
My first session went well. Nothing too hard. She showed me three machines (I just hope I remember how to use them) and two exercises I can do on my own (without a machine). To be honest, I was expecting more, but I understand there's only so much you can do in 30 minutes. I just thought they'd have me do some other things on my own once our time was up. I have my second session today so we'll see how it goes. Depending on what happens, I'll ask the master trainer about it today. He was with a client on Friday when I was done so I couldn't ask him.
I know that on my "rest days," I can do things on my own like take a zumba or yoga class. I really want to do that. It just sucks that on the weekends, the classes are so early in the morning. :( I wish they had some classes in the afternoon. I'm hoping that on Tuesdays & Thursdays I can talk a friend into taking some classes after work. ;)
I know that on my "rest days," I can do things on my own like take a zumba or yoga class. I really want to do that. It just sucks that on the weekends, the classes are so early in the morning. :( I wish they had some classes in the afternoon. I'm hoping that on Tuesdays & Thursdays I can talk a friend into taking some classes after work. ;)
Friday, August 5, 2016
PT
I have my first workout with the trainer tonight. Originally it was set for 6:30pm, which sucked because it's Friday and sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get to go home around 4pm instead of 5:30pm. But 6:30pm was the earliest time after I could get off work. Thankfully, the trainer texted me this morning and asked if I could go in at 6pm. A half hour makes a huge difference so I enthusiastically agreed! :)
We'll see how it goes.
We'll see how it goes.
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Personal Assessment
Yesterday I had a 6pm appointment for a personal assessment. The e-mail reminder I received stated to wear comfortable clothes and shoes and take a towel and water. I was going to change there so I left work 15 minutes early to make sure I had enough time to change.
My second day at the gym and again, I didn't change clothes.
The trainer I had the appointment with saw me as I was talking to a former co-worker I ran into at the front desk and just led me to his desk. We went over some of the same things I had discussed with the sales guy on Monday.
In my street clothes, he did have me attempt to do a push up, plank and wall sit. I utterly failed. Well, I think I held the plank longer than he thought I would.
He laid out a plan for me and why he thought it was the best route for me. He was good...very nice, had me agreeing with him. And then I finally asked the question - how much is all of this going to cost me?
We came to a price that I was comfortable with for a certain number of sessions a month I would pay for and some complimentary sessions. We made all my appointments for August.
I'll have workouts 3 days a week and the days I'm not with a trainer, they'll detail what I'm supposed to do in my journal so I can do on my own at the gym. On the weekend, I can take Zumba or Yoga or an aquatics class, though he prefer I swim laps versus the class (I need resistance). The focus will be strength training to build muscle, with some cardio added in, and then later, an increase in cardio. So for now, no spin classes or aerobics.
I was against getting a trainer because of the cost, but it does make sense for me. As my friend said, it'll help build my confidence and get me started since one of the things I was most worried about going to the gym was the fact that I didn't even know where to start in terms of a workout routine.
The funny thing is that he kept talking to me about how much weight I would lose and other clients of his and how I could get super thin as long as I did it the right way. It's not about that for me. I don't want to be super thin. That's not me. I want to address some of my problem areas and get in better shape, but I don't need to be super thin.
Yes, I want to lose some weight, but I don't want to lose myself.
My second day at the gym and again, I didn't change clothes.
The trainer I had the appointment with saw me as I was talking to a former co-worker I ran into at the front desk and just led me to his desk. We went over some of the same things I had discussed with the sales guy on Monday.
In my street clothes, he did have me attempt to do a push up, plank and wall sit. I utterly failed. Well, I think I held the plank longer than he thought I would.
He laid out a plan for me and why he thought it was the best route for me. He was good...very nice, had me agreeing with him. And then I finally asked the question - how much is all of this going to cost me?
We came to a price that I was comfortable with for a certain number of sessions a month I would pay for and some complimentary sessions. We made all my appointments for August.
I'll have workouts 3 days a week and the days I'm not with a trainer, they'll detail what I'm supposed to do in my journal so I can do on my own at the gym. On the weekend, I can take Zumba or Yoga or an aquatics class, though he prefer I swim laps versus the class (I need resistance). The focus will be strength training to build muscle, with some cardio added in, and then later, an increase in cardio. So for now, no spin classes or aerobics.
I was against getting a trainer because of the cost, but it does make sense for me. As my friend said, it'll help build my confidence and get me started since one of the things I was most worried about going to the gym was the fact that I didn't even know where to start in terms of a workout routine.
The funny thing is that he kept talking to me about how much weight I would lose and other clients of his and how I could get super thin as long as I did it the right way. It's not about that for me. I don't want to be super thin. That's not me. I want to address some of my problem areas and get in better shape, but I don't need to be super thin.
Yes, I want to lose some weight, but I don't want to lose myself.
Monday, August 1, 2016
Complete and Total Breakdown
My doctor wants me to lose weight. So much so she even set a 3-month goal. She made a point of telling me that it was going to take a lot of work to lose weight. A month later, I can tell I've lost weight, but I've been putting off the one thing I new I needed to do.
I'm very good at making excuses.
First, I was dealing with insurance in trying to make the referral appointments my doctor gave me. I have PPO now, so I technically don't need a referral but I needed to check they were in my network and such. And not knowing how to go about with insurance on that, well, I dragged my feet for awhile.
Those appointments are set now, so...
Then, well, there was the matter of never actually working out...at least not since 10th grade and well, we didn't exactly use machines back then. So I didn't really want to go by myself because I have no clue where to start and how to use the machines...or what I should even do. A friend offered to get me a guest pass on her membership so we could go together. I asked if a certain week worked with her schedule; she said yes, but she had to double check whether or not her membership had lapsed. She didn't get back to me and I didn't follow-up. Other things came up with her, so I didn't mention it again.
And finally, I knew I couldn't wait any longer; the first month of the 3-month goal was quickly ending and I had a 1-month follow-up coming up with my doctor...so I went online and requested a 3-day guest pass. That was last week. I had an event on Wednesday and since the gym is by work, it didn't make sense to start a 3-day pass on Thursday as I wasn't going to go all the way to the westside on a Saturday for the 3rd day.
See, I told you I was very good at making excuses.
Today was the big day and boy was I dreading it. Last night I went over some questions with another friend and she was very supportive and encouraging. I got a bag ready last night with gym clothes and such. Last week I even bought a new pair of sneakers (same ones I already had and were very comfortable).
I left for work this morning with my bag and every intention of going to the gym after work. As each hour passed, I was filled with dread and my heart was pounding in my chest. I go in early on Monday's so technically I'm supposed to get out of work earlier. Today was a bit heavier so I may have not been in a rush to leave. As the minutes ticked by though, at the end of the day and I knew I couldn't dawdle anymore, that's when the dread I felt all day turned into panic and the tears started rolling down my face.
I was terrified.
It wasn't about not knowing how to use the machines or what to do,
It was coming to terms with the emotional impact of being fat all my life.
I've never cared what others thought about me. At least not on the surface. I feel the judgment from strangers and family. And I've used it to build a wall and used my fat as a protective shield. Whenever my mom would attempt to talk to me about dieting or exercising; I just got fatter.
I've never wanted to be thin thin. I've just sometimes thought it would be nice to be a size 2X instead of 4X or 5X; better clothing options.
But the more I've been rejected by people for being fat, whether by the opposite sex or my own family (it's very hard to feel like your mother would actually love you if you lost weight), instead of it motivating me to lose weight, I've sunk my heels in and said, "Fuck 'em!"
So fat I am. Fat I have always been.
I'm sleeping with someone that doesn't seem to care that I'm fat. He's never shied away from taking off all my clothes. We're always completely naked together. He even requests photos of me naked - not just my boobs or butt, completely naked. I had a really hard time the first time he asked for them. Seeing my naked in person is one thing, having an actual image of it is different. But he forced me to face it and work through it. It excites him. I see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch.
We've been together for over 2 years and he's never said anything about my weight. I worry about being on top and he doesn't care. He flips me, pulls me, spreads me open, holds onto me and touches me with a passion I'd never felt and with absolutely no judgment.
The insecurities I buried deep down, spilled onto the surface as I walked from work to the gym today and I completely broke down in tears. All I wanted was to go home and remain fat; stay in my fat bubble where I'm safe. Because it's one thing to feel like you were rejected for being fat; and a completely different thing, a much worse feeling to know.
I didn't have to change into the gym clothes I took with me. I spent the time at the gym with the sales guy going over why I was there and what my goals were; he gave me a tour of the gym and got me all signed up with a membership and an appointment for a personal assessment, where I'm sure it will be drilled into me how much I need a trainer for a boatload of money.
At least I get a reprieve for another day or two.
I'm very good at making excuses.
First, I was dealing with insurance in trying to make the referral appointments my doctor gave me. I have PPO now, so I technically don't need a referral but I needed to check they were in my network and such. And not knowing how to go about with insurance on that, well, I dragged my feet for awhile.
Those appointments are set now, so...
Then, well, there was the matter of never actually working out...at least not since 10th grade and well, we didn't exactly use machines back then. So I didn't really want to go by myself because I have no clue where to start and how to use the machines...or what I should even do. A friend offered to get me a guest pass on her membership so we could go together. I asked if a certain week worked with her schedule; she said yes, but she had to double check whether or not her membership had lapsed. She didn't get back to me and I didn't follow-up. Other things came up with her, so I didn't mention it again.
And finally, I knew I couldn't wait any longer; the first month of the 3-month goal was quickly ending and I had a 1-month follow-up coming up with my doctor...so I went online and requested a 3-day guest pass. That was last week. I had an event on Wednesday and since the gym is by work, it didn't make sense to start a 3-day pass on Thursday as I wasn't going to go all the way to the westside on a Saturday for the 3rd day.
See, I told you I was very good at making excuses.
Today was the big day and boy was I dreading it. Last night I went over some questions with another friend and she was very supportive and encouraging. I got a bag ready last night with gym clothes and such. Last week I even bought a new pair of sneakers (same ones I already had and were very comfortable).
I left for work this morning with my bag and every intention of going to the gym after work. As each hour passed, I was filled with dread and my heart was pounding in my chest. I go in early on Monday's so technically I'm supposed to get out of work earlier. Today was a bit heavier so I may have not been in a rush to leave. As the minutes ticked by though, at the end of the day and I knew I couldn't dawdle anymore, that's when the dread I felt all day turned into panic and the tears started rolling down my face.
I was terrified.
It wasn't about not knowing how to use the machines or what to do,
It was coming to terms with the emotional impact of being fat all my life.
I've never cared what others thought about me. At least not on the surface. I feel the judgment from strangers and family. And I've used it to build a wall and used my fat as a protective shield. Whenever my mom would attempt to talk to me about dieting or exercising; I just got fatter.
I've never wanted to be thin thin. I've just sometimes thought it would be nice to be a size 2X instead of 4X or 5X; better clothing options.
But the more I've been rejected by people for being fat, whether by the opposite sex or my own family (it's very hard to feel like your mother would actually love you if you lost weight), instead of it motivating me to lose weight, I've sunk my heels in and said, "Fuck 'em!"
So fat I am. Fat I have always been.
I'm sleeping with someone that doesn't seem to care that I'm fat. He's never shied away from taking off all my clothes. We're always completely naked together. He even requests photos of me naked - not just my boobs or butt, completely naked. I had a really hard time the first time he asked for them. Seeing my naked in person is one thing, having an actual image of it is different. But he forced me to face it and work through it. It excites him. I see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch.
We've been together for over 2 years and he's never said anything about my weight. I worry about being on top and he doesn't care. He flips me, pulls me, spreads me open, holds onto me and touches me with a passion I'd never felt and with absolutely no judgment.
The insecurities I buried deep down, spilled onto the surface as I walked from work to the gym today and I completely broke down in tears. All I wanted was to go home and remain fat; stay in my fat bubble where I'm safe. Because it's one thing to feel like you were rejected for being fat; and a completely different thing, a much worse feeling to know.
I didn't have to change into the gym clothes I took with me. I spent the time at the gym with the sales guy going over why I was there and what my goals were; he gave me a tour of the gym and got me all signed up with a membership and an appointment for a personal assessment, where I'm sure it will be drilled into me how much I need a trainer for a boatload of money.
At least I get a reprieve for another day or two.
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