Taking a hit

As I mentioned before, life has been rough and I'm trying to get back on track. I've lost focus again and my confidence and self-worth are taking a hit again. F says it's not personal, just business; but when you've put so much of yourself into something, how do you not make it personal?

Unnecessary concern

In the last few weeks I’ve gotten more questions about my job and future plans. Everyone else seems more concerned with what I’m going to do than I am. I’m just trying to take one day at a time. The days, weeks and months are just flying by and I’m still trying to settle in.

I may be overqualified for my position. My skills may be underused. But shouldn’t that be my concern? I’m wondering why everyone else seems more concerned about it than I am.

I’m trying to take my time, give things a chance, and see where they go. I really don’t want to rush into another position until I’m comfortable and know where it’s going. Things need to be just right before I make any moves.

The great thing is that my current position gives me time, lots of time. My work stays at work and I have time to see my girls, go out with friends (have I mentioned how full my social calendar is? a free weekend has been rare these last few months.), and most importantly, I can work on all my YV/Variety activities. I’m on four planning committees – two events done, third done in a week – plus at least a couple more events/committees in the fall.

All these activities and events, I couldn’t be happier.

Everyone’s lives and paths are different. I just don’t want anyone using mine as an excuse. Things may be a little more financially difficult, but it hasn’t stopped me from doing things, from going out. I may have to think a second about an activity, but all it means is that I’m doing things that really mean something to me.

I’m about to turn 32 in 3 1/2 months, I’m not a kid anymore. I may feel like one most of the time, but I’m not; that ship has sailed. I’ve taken responsibility for my actions and I do the things that are going to make me happy. In the end, that’s all that matters: doing what makes you happy.

So question yourself, question your choices and life. Not mine. If I’m not questioning it, no need for someone else to do it for me.

F U

It never ends. I am waiting for the day when I won't have to deal with all the bullshit that was my last job.

Let's set the record straight.

1. I quit my job. I walked away from it. My decision. My everything.

2. I didn't reach out to anyone or go around telling things about the company or owner to anyone. I laid low. I kept to myself and did what I needed to do for myself. I've never said a word to anyone about anything relating to my experience their or why I even left.

3. No, he was not a good boss. No, at no time did he ever offer to pay for me to go on Weight Watchers. And if he had, no, I wouldn't have taken him up on it.

4. He only ever offered to pay for my driver's training, but you can clearly see that I didn't take him up on it. And if I had, I'm sure he wouldn't have paid for it anyway, just like he didn't pay for my health insurance like he said he would.

5. HELL-TO-THE-NO, I did not have gastric bypass surgery that he paid for and I never paid him back for it.

Yes, that's the new thing that's come out of the nightmare that is him and my old company. He's mad because he paid for me to have gastric bypass surgery, I gained the weight back and I never even paid him back for it.

You know what I have to say about that - FUCK YOU!!

First, my other old bitch of a boss says, "Who's going to hire the fat girl?" Well, let's see, YOU!! You're lucky I never let on that I know exactly what you said about me because I'd love to see your face as you ate your effin' words as you offered me a full-time position working for you. Karma's a bitch, baby! Let's see what you're going to do now that you're plans are shot. You didn't get your way. I didn't accept your offer. No, instead, I took a position paying far less than you offered because I will never work for you again.

And now, he's saying he paid for me to have gastric bypass surgery??? What the fuck people!!!! Why is my weight such an issue for you? Why do you effin' care?

I have enough issues of my own to have to take on your issues as well.

What I hate is that it's been 10 months and people are still talking about me and my old company. How many people has this gotten to? What are people saying behind my back?

I thought all of this was over. I thought I had started over....

This has been out there for 10 months. This is what people are saying about me. This is what people have allowed others to say about me. FUCK YOU ALL!

Trust no one

After all these years, I finally have the answer to what is wrong with me and there are so many things:

1. I'm young.
2. I'm immature.
3. I'm emotional.
4. I'm Latina.
5. I'm a female.
6. I fall into the species of women known as "Roseanne," as opposed to Brooke Shields, which means I am extremely repulsive.

And all it took was discovering e-mails and chats between a co-worker and one of my system developers to finally answer the question - what is wrong with me.

Thank you for putting me in my place and finally helping me understand. Thank you so much.

P.S. - Yes, I'm quitting my job. I already packed up all my personal belongings and the boxes are sitting in a friend's car.

Feelin' pretty good

I was in a client meeting today and our system developers were vindicated.

As one of them put it, my thinking, my vision was also validated.

I'm feeling re-energized and enthusiastic for this project again.

Yay!!

They've robbed me of my confidence

I know I suck. I haven't been posting like I should, like I have in the past.

Sorry.

If I tell you work has been crazy, stressful, pressure-filled, insane and every other bad adjective you can think of - would that make it all better?

No? Oh well, too bad. That's exactly why I haven't been blogging. I get home too late, or have work to do, or my brain is just mush I can't do anything that requires any thought process whatsoever. :(

Work has not been good. I am exhausted. I'm on the verge of cracking. I'm on the edge.

I need a vacation.

But that's not going to happen any time soon. :(

I was sitting on the bus this morning, on my way to work, when the following words popped into my head: They've robbed me of my confidence.

I guess subconsciously I've been thinking about my conversation with one of the development guys on Friday. He started asking me about confidence and then appeared to switch topics. In the end, it all came back to confidence.

He said to me, "I can see it in your eyes...but you don't speak up, you don't say you disagree."

All this nonsense that's going on, but I'm not supposed to know what's going on, has me second-guessing myself.

What the hell?!?!

I may not have confidence that someone will love me, will want to be with me.

But my work is the one thing I've always been confident about. I am the best at what I do, hands down.

A little cocky? Too bad. It's the truth.

But I haven't been the best recently. I've always owned up to my mistakes. My mistake these last couple of months has been allowing them to undermine me, not speaking up and second guessing myself because of them.

It has to stop. Right now.

I can breathe again

Deleting my old blog was one of the hardest things I've had to do recently; in my personal life at least. It was three years of my life - the good, the bad, the ugly, the insane....EVERYTHING.

And now it's gone. :(

It took a couple of tries before I could actually click the delete button and then a few more times before I could click the "are you sure?" button that appears. But I did it. And a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Things had gotten ridiculously complicated. I was driving myself crazy with the different blogs and I'm sure I was also driving all of my friends crazy. But no more.

I have a fresh start; a new beginning for a new life. A new life is what I've had since I left my old job for this new company. I've been given a once in a lifetime opportunity; an opportunity to create and build something great. These past few months have not been easy, aside the turmoil it's created in my personal life, I've had to face many challenges I never thought possible.

I am stressed beyond belief, but it's all so thrilling. I completed my first project with my new system. Granted, it was a very small test project that the client isn't paying for at all, but it was very real nonetheless. And now, I'm gearing up for my first major project; one we will be billing the client for. I'm hella freaked and terrified, and yet, I can't wait. :)

I think it helps a little that I have this HUGE crush on one of the system developers. ;-) It just sorta grew on me. I always thought he was cute, but it was never any more than that, especially because he usually frustrated the heck out of me. Above all, he annoyed me. I always felt like he wasn't listening to what I said or wanted. He argued with me. We butted heads a lot. And really, that's what did it, no? He didn't just go with what I wanted because I was the client. He thought about things and would say "no, that's not going to work."

He has no problem arguing with me and saying he's not going to ask me something when he knows I don't know the answer. My response to that - how do you know I don't know the answer? His response - because you don't. Excuse me?!? But that's just it, that's why I find myself dressing cute when I'm going to see him and doing my hair for him, why I'm crushing big time - he challenges me. He doesn't just roll over and go with "the client's always right" motto. He'll fight me to the death if he needs to, but I'll fight too and when I win and he turns out to be right and I have to go back to him and tell him he was right, he relishes saying I told you so, even though he doesn't really say it, but that grin on his face says it for him. But, of course, how stubborn am I? Even then I won't back down and he'll just continue arguing with me.

Last Friday we even got into it in Spanish. Yes, he's Latino. Shocking, huh? I keep falling for the Latino's considering I've always said I wanted to marry a white guy.

When we work one on one, we get along great. We really understand one another and click. When we're with everyone else, well, that's when he annoys me the most. He's not good in front of a group. He's very logical, which is annoying sometimes, and demands examples a lot. Or will ask, "how many checkers complained" when I tell him to change something because there were complaints.

We're slowly getting to know one another on a personal level. I think I understand him better now and don't get as annoyed anymore. We've been putting a lot of effort into making sure we're on the same page and completely agree. Not only that, though, we're getting to know each other on a personal level, our likes and dislikes. Unfortunately, I'm still not sure how old he is. He's around my age, but a little older I think; somewhere between 30-35.

My boss seems to think he has a thing for me. She says he looks and speaks to me differently. It also doesn't help that when we work together, we end up spending a lot of time together. Last Friday, I spent three and a half hours with him after our regular two hour meeting considering we were only supposed to take about an hour. Same thing today; a planned hour turned into just over 2, plus lunch. It's such a tricky situation, though, because of the whole client-vendor dynamic and has the potential to go awfully bad very quickly.

Besides, I think my boss is on crack when she says he has a thing for me. I've given him two opportunities and nothing. Twice, I've worn some really cute outfits that emphasize certain assets and nothing; absolutely no reaction from him. Like I said, it's a tricky situation, but it's been a nice distraction. It's helped me get through some of this work stress and that's a very good thing. ;-)