For the past year or so, I've felt a huge disconnect between most of my friends and I. It's neither good nor bad. Well, at first I thought it was bad, real bad, but now it's sinking in more that this is just life. Our lives are constantly moving and changing. Every decision we make takes us farther away from some people and closer to others. We change jobs or get promotions, move houses or apartments, join associations - all of these things affect our inner circle. Sometimes we lose friends, but most of the time we make new ones.
As much as I feel like an outsider, I can't deny that these people have become a part of my inner circle. They are the ones I'm in constant contact with; e-mailing throughout the day, every day. We disagree and argue, but then we're smiling and laughing. You share inside jokes and new experiences. I may not run to them crying, but then again, I'm not exactly running and crying to anyone else either.
Sometimes the unbearable loneliness floats up and tears fill my eyes, but I take a deep breath, wipe my eyes and tell myself it's OK because I have a lot of good things in my life. I'd rather be alone than feel like I'm begging people to spend time with me.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm so not. I have friends I'm a bad friend to also. One in particular that I've been avoiding like the plague because she annoys me so much.
The point I'm trying to make is that it's OK. I'll be here when you need me, even if I'm not holding my breath you'll be there when I need you, especially if you don't answer my calls or text messages. We all have other commitments and we'll come back to one another when we can...or not, and that's OK too. The friendship was there when we had it and we have good memories. Life moves fast. Life changes, our circles change and it's OK.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Dinner at Morton's
I've always had issues about my birthday. Months before I'm super excited and thinking about what fun things I'm going to do to celebrate it, but as the day actually gets closer, it turns into a dreadful thing I'd rather not think about it. I can't actually pinpoint when this started to happen, but it's definitely been prevalent during the last few years. I know it upsets my closest friends because they want to make plans and I just want to ignore it.
This year, Michael ended up not making it to my birthday dinner because of an issue with one of the boys. I told him not to worry about me and just take care of them and that was that.
He's been having a hard time because the boys are no longer with him, so I text him last week about getting together for dinner. The boys were with him for 5 or 6 years; his whole world revolved around them, so it's not easy to transition back to being on his own.
He had plans for Thursday and then had the boys over the weekend, so he said we could have dinner early this week and that it would be a belated birthday dinner. On Sunday I text him to let me know when he wanted to have dinner and we agreed on Monday.
I told him to choose the place and to just let me know where to meet him. He said he had the perfect place and we agreed to meet in DTLA at 7pm. He offered to pick me up at work, but I didn't see a point to him going all the way to the South Bay to get me when he lives in DTLA to begin with and it's super easy for me to get to DTLA.
I made into to DTLA super early, so I sat at the Starbucks next to Morton's looking over some game ideas for the Halloween carnival, while I waited.
When he arrived, we went inside and had a drink at the bar while we waited for our table to be ready. They asked if we were celebrating a special occasion and he kept saying it was my birthday and I'd say it wasn't really, that it had already passed, but no matter, everyone kept wishing me a happy birthday.
When they seated us, the waiter said someone had left the flowers on our table. I wasn't really paying attention and thought the flowers were just a part of the decor until Michael started digging into them, looking for the card and then I looked around and noticed that none of the other tables had flowers. Michael had ordered them and had them delivered to the restaurant for me. He said he had even called ahead to make sure they had arrived. The maitre d' then came and set the card in front of me.
Everyone that came to the table wished me a happy birthday.
And even the menu wished me a happy birthday.
Oh boy, I looked at the menu and my jaw dropped at the prices. Michael told me not to worry about anything, to get whatever I wanted; he wanted dinner to be special.
The food was so good. We were eating and drinking, talking and laughing. It was a wonderfully delicious night.
I still had my drink from the bar when we sat down for dinner and it took me a while to drink it. He kept insisting I order another drink and threatened to order for me if I didn't. I had another drink during dinner and then he said I needed a dessert drink. We had ordered souffles at the beginning (I had never had a souffle.), so he ended up ordering a chocotini for me. It was delicious. I was already getting fuzzy and warm with the second drink so the chocotini just sent me over the edge. With that third drink, it wouldn't have been a good idea to take the train home and he couldn't drive me home either as he had had even more to drink than me.
After dinner, we went back to his place because it was just down the street. My cousin was coming to pick me up. We had another drink while we waited and talked. He served me white wine with orange juice. He knows I don't drink wine (I have to be drunk to drink it, same with beer.), but he said the orange juice would cover the taste and boy did it. I gulped that glass down. ;)
It was the most romantic evening I've ever spent. He made me feel so special and wonderful. It was a little confusing though, but Mari said not to over-think it and try to categorize the evening. Basically, don't be me; just appreciate the evening for what it was, archive it as one of the best evenings I've ever had, and just enjoy the friendship.
This year, Michael ended up not making it to my birthday dinner because of an issue with one of the boys. I told him not to worry about me and just take care of them and that was that.
He's been having a hard time because the boys are no longer with him, so I text him last week about getting together for dinner. The boys were with him for 5 or 6 years; his whole world revolved around them, so it's not easy to transition back to being on his own.
He had plans for Thursday and then had the boys over the weekend, so he said we could have dinner early this week and that it would be a belated birthday dinner. On Sunday I text him to let me know when he wanted to have dinner and we agreed on Monday.
I told him to choose the place and to just let me know where to meet him. He said he had the perfect place and we agreed to meet in DTLA at 7pm. He offered to pick me up at work, but I didn't see a point to him going all the way to the South Bay to get me when he lives in DTLA to begin with and it's super easy for me to get to DTLA.
I made into to DTLA super early, so I sat at the Starbucks next to Morton's looking over some game ideas for the Halloween carnival, while I waited.
When he arrived, we went inside and had a drink at the bar while we waited for our table to be ready. They asked if we were celebrating a special occasion and he kept saying it was my birthday and I'd say it wasn't really, that it had already passed, but no matter, everyone kept wishing me a happy birthday.
When they seated us, the waiter said someone had left the flowers on our table. I wasn't really paying attention and thought the flowers were just a part of the decor until Michael started digging into them, looking for the card and then I looked around and noticed that none of the other tables had flowers. Michael had ordered them and had them delivered to the restaurant for me. He said he had even called ahead to make sure they had arrived. The maitre d' then came and set the card in front of me.
Everyone that came to the table wished me a happy birthday.
And even the menu wished me a happy birthday.
Oh boy, I looked at the menu and my jaw dropped at the prices. Michael told me not to worry about anything, to get whatever I wanted; he wanted dinner to be special.
The food was so good. We were eating and drinking, talking and laughing. It was a wonderfully delicious night.
I still had my drink from the bar when we sat down for dinner and it took me a while to drink it. He kept insisting I order another drink and threatened to order for me if I didn't. I had another drink during dinner and then he said I needed a dessert drink. We had ordered souffles at the beginning (I had never had a souffle.), so he ended up ordering a chocotini for me. It was delicious. I was already getting fuzzy and warm with the second drink so the chocotini just sent me over the edge. With that third drink, it wouldn't have been a good idea to take the train home and he couldn't drive me home either as he had had even more to drink than me.
After dinner, we went back to his place because it was just down the street. My cousin was coming to pick me up. We had another drink while we waited and talked. He served me white wine with orange juice. He knows I don't drink wine (I have to be drunk to drink it, same with beer.), but he said the orange juice would cover the taste and boy did it. I gulped that glass down. ;)
It was the most romantic evening I've ever spent. He made me feel so special and wonderful. It was a little confusing though, but Mari said not to over-think it and try to categorize the evening. Basically, don't be me; just appreciate the evening for what it was, archive it as one of the best evenings I've ever had, and just enjoy the friendship.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Talk about "High & Proud"
Mom's Birthday Dinner - July 2, 2011
My Birthday Dinner - September 3, 2011
Even though the two dresses have different cuts, you can definitely tell the difference in my boobs. Ahh, what a difference a bra makes.
I liked the girls being so high and proud, but I was so self-conscious about it. I felt naked, doubly so because I was wearing contacts. Uni says I use my glasses as a shield. Regardless of whether or not that's true, I feel comfortable with them. I think my face has shaped itself around them. I mean, I've worn glasses since I was 9 years old; they've become a part of me. So when I don't wear them, I think my face looks weird. I think I look pretty cute in the top picture; not so much in the bottom one.
Even though I was self-conscious about my boobs being so out there, I did think I looked amazing on Saturday and it felt great.
Here's a full picture. You can't see my shoes, though. They were gold wedge sandals. So darn cute!
And my purse was also gold and sparkly. :)
My Birthday Dinner - September 3, 2011
Even though the two dresses have different cuts, you can definitely tell the difference in my boobs. Ahh, what a difference a bra makes.
I liked the girls being so high and proud, but I was so self-conscious about it. I felt naked, doubly so because I was wearing contacts. Uni says I use my glasses as a shield. Regardless of whether or not that's true, I feel comfortable with them. I think my face has shaped itself around them. I mean, I've worn glasses since I was 9 years old; they've become a part of me. So when I don't wear them, I think my face looks weird. I think I look pretty cute in the top picture; not so much in the bottom one.
Even though I was self-conscious about my boobs being so out there, I did think I looked amazing on Saturday and it felt great.
Here's a full picture. You can't see my shoes, though. They were gold wedge sandals. So darn cute!
And my purse was also gold and sparkly. :)
Friday, September 2, 2011
High and proud
My birthday treat to myself, aside from getting my nails and eyebrows done? Two new bras. WOW what a difference new bras make.
My cousin saw me the other day and I was wearing one of the new bras and she was like, "You bitch!"
My now 33 year old boobs look more like my 28 year old boobs. OK, they look more like 25 year old boobs; high and proud. :-)
My cousin saw me the other day and I was wearing one of the new bras and she was like, "You bitch!"
My now 33 year old boobs look more like my 28 year old boobs. OK, they look more like 25 year old boobs; high and proud. :-)
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