February was a busy crazy month

February was a busy crazy month. My sleep hours went back to “normal” for me. I stopped getting in bed at 10 and asleep by 11pm. No, I went back to falling asleep around 12:30/1:00am. It may have had something to do with the stress of being on the planning side of the pool tournament for the first time. I’ve always just been an attendee; an attendee that wins big during the raffle. (I only won one prize this year, after several redraws.)

It’s amazing how much drama and egos one needs to sidestep in order to get anything done. It was a great event, but I sure was glad when it ended. And of course, as soon as it does, what happens? I get sick. I caught what my friend had after spending too much time with her. It’s not like we spent all that much time together, but that combined with exhaustion, well, it brought me down.

I didn’t miss any work though; can’t afford to. I just made sure I was all drugged up during the day, although, oddly enough, when I stopped taking the Dayquil, I felt a lot better. My head was no longer fuzzy. Right now, it’s pretty much down to just a cough. Since it’s in my chest, activity wears me out, more so than usual. ;p

Somehow, in the middle of all that, my niece turned 8. I can’t believe she’s 8. It feels like only yesterday I was holding her in my arms when she was born. In the blink of an eye, she’s become a little girl and before you know it, she’ll be a teenager and she’ll start dating and then she’ll be out of high school and in college and then, and then she’ll be getting married and starting her own family. I don’t think I’m ready for that.

My other niece turns 8 next month and my Goddaughter turns 5 at the end of June. They’re growing up so fast and then they’ll be too old to want to spend time with their lonely old aunt.

For my niece’s 8th birthday, we did it at Chuck e Cheese. I was really glad my other niece was there. Since my cousin moved away, they’re not as accessible. It breaks my heart not to see my niece as often or as easily as before. And every time she leaves and says she loves me very much, I just want to hold on to her forever.

My Goddaughter is scared of the rat, so when it was time for him to come over to the table and sing during the cake, I had to take her into the playroom so she wouldn’t freak out the way she did on her birthday last year. Those are the moments I will cherish forever; when she looks to me to take her away from the big scary rat and she smiles and laughs as we walk through the playroom, selecting games to play. And she doesn’t call for her mom or dad because she’s having fun playing with her Godmother and even though she had been scared and didn’t want to take pictures or play, she’s forgotten all about the scary rat and is just having fun with her Godmother. These are the memories I will keep close to my heart.

Do I need to touch upon Valentine’s Day? No, thank you, moving on.

Oh, wait, I guess I have to since two different friends got engaged around Valentine’s Day. An ex-coworker, Jakkibean, was proposed to by her boyfriend the day before Valentine’s Day and my friend Tiny was proposed to while she and her boyfriend were in New York. So exciting!

I stayed home on Valentine’s Day, but the night before was a girls night out with my friend. We decided to do it up big. I got my nails done that morning and we got all dressed up and cute. I even bought a new lip gloss, put on mascara and wore earrings. Can you people believe it???? We had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory at The Grove and then watched “Valentine’s Day.” It was a cute movie and there was a big “sharp intake of breath” moment at the end of the movie. But if you thought about it, you should’ve seen it coming since all the story lines connect.

I had another great night out with friends. Dinner evolved into bar hopping in Pasadena and ended with dancing. I can’t even remember the last time I danced like that. Oh wait, I do. In 2008, at Kimmy’s wedding in San Fran (also my 30th birthday). That was a great night. I love dancing, though I don’t do it very often, mostly because I feel like I’ve lost my rhythm. In college, I had so much fun at parties, now I have trouble letting loose.

Apparently, now in my 30s, I have a lot of problems and hang-ups. I know, totally sucks. I need to get my confidence back.

I think I’m finally over him; mostly because he’s turned into such a disappointment. It’s not disappointment in that he doesn’t feel the same about me, but disappointment in realizing several truths about him. I’ve been constantly reminded that when a guy really wants to do something, he’ll do it. So if he said we’d still see each other, even as friends, we’d still see each other. If he said he’d come to SG for me, even as friends, then he’d come to SG for me. But he hasn’t done either. Nothing he said he’d do has he done. He didn’t keep his word. His word means nothing. And I can’t stand that.

I hold people to what they say they will do. I say what I mean and do what I say; and I expect that of others. A friend and I got into it about that. She said it’s easy to be disappointed when you have such high expectations and that I don’t leave room for people’s flaws; and thus judgmental. Maybe she’s right. Maybe she’s wrong. I certainly am not perfect and know this. I definitely don’t expect others to be perfect and flawless. But I don’t think I’m wrong in expecting people to keep their word. I put in the effort for people I care about and I don’t let just anyone into my world. And I understand how difficult life is and that everyone is juggling a ton of balls, but I still try. I’ve cancelled on friends before; it happens. But if you don’t even try, then what’s the point? Why am I going to waste my time and chase after you when you can’t make time for me or even try to make time for me?

I don’t want to feel like I’m begging people to spend time with me. I shouldn’t feel that way. So give me a reason, give me a reason to believe you want to be in my world. I’ve already let you in, now it’s up to you to stay in my life. If you don’t want to be here, no one’s going to force you to stay. I can walk away, and I will.

And so February ended and March has begun. I’m facing the possible loss of a friend I’ve gotten really close to. Right now she’s in NY for a job interview and considering she had two phone interviews before they called her in for a face-to-face, I’d say she has a pretty good shot at getting it. I’m happy for her, but I’m also sad at the prospect of her moving away. I just have to make sure to spend as much time with her as possible while she’s still here. Even if I get sick again. ;)