Sadness: This is Why I Don't Put Myself Out There

My main supermarket crush finally asked me out.

I've really been into him for the last two or three months and saw him on a nearly daily basis at the supermarket. We'd chat here and there when checking out, but nothing more. As I've mentioned before, when I'm crushing on a guy, I'm nervous and can't really flirt. I'm way friendly and flirty with guys that are married or have girlfriends. Not because of any sinister desire, but I deem them safe. They're taken, nothing's going to happen, there's no chance of rejection; I can just be myself.

So even though I wasn't exactly flirting up a storm with him, I thought it was quite obvious I was into him. He was also friendly and would smile and chat with me most of the time.

Recently, I went to the supermarket twice with two of my cousins. They wanted to check him out. One thought he was cute and the other, not so much. They pointed out that when we were in his line, he ignored them and only spoke to me. Then last Thursday, we went again and he asked if I got out of work early since I was there earlier than usual and my cousins pointed out again that 1, again he ignored them and only focused on me and 2, he pays attention to when I'm there. They also mentioned that he looks at me like he wants to say more; that we both look at each other like that.

So, my cousins kept telling me that I needed to find out whether or not he had a girlfriend or wife and with the street fair this weekend it was a perfect opportunity.

I've always been boy-crazy and always always took the initiative. I would tell guys I was into them, facing rejection after rejection. But I'm not like that anymore. After so many rejections, I just won't put myself out there. One of my cousins thinks that rejection should build confidence. I don't see that. In my case, I've put up walls around me and they just keep getting taller and taller.

But I did it. I decided I needed to find out before I got ahead of myself, as per usual, so I went to the store on Friday with my best boobie top and a plan. He wasn't there on Friday. boo.

He was, however, there on Saturday when I went to buy milk. He asked where my friends were since I was alone and asked how the X-Men movie was. Then he asked if I had gone to the street fair. I said I was probably taking my nieces the next day and then asked him if he had gone. He said he didn't have anyone to go with, so I said he should ask someone. His response? "Ask you?" So, yes, he asked me out and I said yes and gave him my number.

He had asked at what time the fair started on Sunday and I told him around Noon. Then I remembered I was volunteering in the morning so I told him I would be back by 1pm. He said he'd call.

I got home at 12:30pm, took a shower and got dressed. And then I waited. I was tired from my morning activities, so I ended up falling asleep a bit. At almost 3pm, I got a text message from him saying it was going to be too late for him to go to the fair. I figured when he asked what time the fair started that he was concerned with work.

He should've just said so. Why did he ask me out if he couldn't go?? And why didn't he let me know earlier?? I cancelled lunch plans with a friend to go out with him, and I feel so guilty.

I put myself out there, got all cute, even wore lip gloss and now I'm just disappointed. His texting me instead of calling, feels like he just blew me off. Especially because I text back saying it would've been fun and next time then. No response. If he had responded then maybe I wouldn't feel like he blew me off.

And now, I feel like an idiot. This is why I don't put myself out there. I'm better off on my own with these stupid little crushes that don't hurt me, don't disappoint me because they don't mean anything, they're strangers that only serve to fuel my fantasies.

I don't want to see him. I can't face him. I can't bear the embarrassment. I'm not broken hearted, but I'm sad and disappointed. I just have to focus on myself. I have a lot going on, especially this week, so I'm just going focus all my energies on that.