Over

The other day I noticed his FB page was back up. I couldn't believe it. It only took me a few minutes to request him as a friend and message him. By the next day I was a wreck because he hadn't added me nor had he responded to my message. I was about ready to give up and just delete him completely; cancel my request and delete every single photo he was tagged in of mine. And then it happened, he accepted me and messaged me back.

For an instant, for a few hours, I was deliriously happy. He was back. He still loved me, so he said.

But the next day, that was all gone. He wasn't ready for me. He had been terrified and didn't know what to do when my message had popped up.

I'm terrified too, but as the last 8 months have been, it's never been about me. It's been about him and his recovery and he's not ready to deal with me and my feelings.

So I have to let him go.

I realized that our entire relationship has been me chasing him. I can't keep forcing myself on him. He's not ready. And I can't keep waiting for him. It's been 8 months, how much longer do I need to wait for him to be ready? My life has already been on hold for too long.

So tonight I messaged him. I'm giving him what he needs. I know he's OK and I can get a hold of him if I need to, but I can't keep waiting. I can't pretend like the last 8 months didn't happen. I can't keep hiding my feelings. So I'm letting go. I'm moving on. When he's ready and if he still wants me, then he can chase me for once.

In returning to the theme of movies ruining me, all I keep seeing in my head is "Circle of Friends" when Jack has to win Benny back after he cheated on her with Nan. Maybe one day he'll truly come back and win me, but I can't keep holding on to that. It's time to let go.