I want more

I went trick-o-treatin' with my girls on Halloween. Obviously we were going to go by P's house. He always gives out candy, but you'd think he would have learned by now to add some lights to his porch and make it more visible that there's candy there. Every year it's the same thing. You can hear him yelling out "CANDY!" at the top of his lungs, but no one ever goes to his house. This year when the kids came to my Godmother's house, we directed them over there after P came over and asked us to.

So, my cousin, her husband, my Goddaughter, my niece and I head out trick-o-treatin' and his is the first house we hit. He's sitting on the porch with his mom and fiancee. Yes, that's right, he's engaged. I can't believe he's marrying her. I don't know her, obviously. Why would I? It's not like we were together and it's not like he would ever bring himself to admit he slept with me. But still, I can't believe he's marrying her. She's so plain. She's so...well, I don't know what she is, but I can't help thinking I'm cuter than her, that I would have been a better choice.

OK, don't get the wrong idea. I wouldn't have married him. Oh no, there were serious issues there; serious incompatibilities. Nonetheless, I still believe I am the better catch.

But, whatever.

So we went to his house and my cousin's husband noticed that P was already wearing a wedding ring. He asked him if he was married and P responded that the wedding was next year.

Why is he wearing his wedding ring then?

That does not read to me like a committed guy, but a guy that's trying to prove something. That's the thing about P; he's always trying to prove how much of a stud he is, how much of a man he is. He can't just be himself, he has to show the people around him that he's more than he really is, and it's really kind of sad; he'd be a better person if he was just happy with who he is and what he has.

I'm trying to be like that; accepting of who I am as a person. Yes, always striving to be a better me, but not a better someone else.

I shouldn't care he's engaged. I really don't, I swear. Well, at least not in the way that I lament it's not me he's marrying. Like I said, serious incompatibility issues. I'm affected by his engagement because he's the only guy I've ever slept with. He was my first. He was my last.

Yes, there have been two others that I've done things with, but I was never able to really give myself completely to them. P was different. At least I thought he was. You really never know someone until you sleep with them. Up until that point, they're showing you the best of who they are in order to get what they want. And then, after, they show you who they really are. At least, that was the case with P. So after I gave myself completely to him, he showed me who he was. I don't regret sleeping with him, it felt right at the time. I learned a lot from that experience. I learned what I wanted and what I didn't want. I definitely do not want P.

But as long as I can't give myself completely to someone else, he will be ever present in my mind, in my soul. I need to cleanse myself of him; rid him from my being and turn him into just a memory. I don't know how to do that without sleeping with someone else, and I don't know how to sleep with someone else without being emotionally connected to them.

I learned the hard way that I'm not a girl that can do the casual sex thing. OK, so the last few times I was with P it was just sex, but remember, I was emotionally connected to Boston boy and just using P as a stand-in for him. (I know, bad faded girl!)

So why don't I sleep with Boston boy, you ask? Good question. It's just not going to happen. There are too many obstacles. We want different things. He just wants sex. I want more. I'm just not the girl he wants. Sure, he enjoys the pleasures that I provide, but I'm not _THE_ girl. He could've been _THE_ guy for me. I seriously thought he was. But he's not. And I just can't settle for anything less than what I really want. We work so much better when there's an entire country between us than when we're in the same place together. And of course, the fact that he's now a dad, but yet didn't feel it was necessary to tell me about his impending fatherhood. Sure I knew, of course, I'd know. But if he ever respected me, just a little, and thought there was even the smallest possibility that I could be the girl for him, don't you think he should have told me? I do. So the fact that he didn't, hasn't, well, that says a lot right there.

He can text me naughty messages. He can say he enjoyed the times my mouth was wrapped around him and can't wait until the next time. He can say he's going to do all sorts of things to me. But that's all it is, right - just sex. No feelings, no emotions, no connection, no love; just sex. I can't do just sex anymore. I want more. I deserve more.

Thoughts have been flitting around in my head; thoughts that shouldn't be there. On paper, it all looks good. But the reality is different. I feel like I'll never be good enough. No matter what I do. I'm not the hot chick. I'm not the gorgeous babe. I'm just one of the guys. I've always just been one of the guys.

So where does that leave me?

How does a girl that loves sex, but can't do casual sex because she needs a connection, have sex? How does a girl that's put her career first and thus, has no time to find someone, get the relationship she's always wanted? How does a girl that's heartbroken because she realized her physical appearance was the reason he was never able to love her, have hope that one day her prince will come?