Feel like I'm back in high school

(Please note: post begun on June 1, 2009)

In the last few weeks on Facebook, I've been reunited with people I went to school with, and when I say school, I mean junior high and high school. It's been cool and I even took to scanning and uploading a bunch of photos. (Click on the "My Photos on Flickr" link on the left to see them. It's the first time I've uploaded a big batch to Flickr since early last year. Yes, I know, have to catch up soon.) It was fun to tag people and read the comments they made about them. Most of them just wrote how they brought back old memories. Some even tagged others in the photos, friends they're friends with on Facebook, but I'm not.

I have 39 Facebook friends that I went to school with. (The number has gone up since I started this blog post.) That's a little over half the amount I have of college friends. Of those 39, I can count on one hand the friends that I've actually kept in touch over the years and retained a friendship with. The others, well, for the most part, they've added me and I've kept up an amiable online friendship. Usually I just respond in kind with a comment here and there. The obligatory "hi there, how are you" post on their wall and maybe a comment or like on one of their photos. With some we've e-mailed on Facebook with a lengthier catch up on the last 13 or so years. Some I've been trapped into a short chat session where you really have nothing to say to one another.

And of course, there are always the "we need to get together" to catch up comments. My response is always "sure, let me know what works for you" and then silence for the next few weeks, wherein the subject comes up again. I've only actually gotten together with one of them, that, of course being the long lost friend that is now gay. I'm OK with this. (We can add a second person to this list now – that I’ve gotten together with, not that he or she is gay.)

So, why do I feel like I'm back in high school?

Up until recently, many of my school classmates were not on Facebook or even MySpace. As Facebook has grown in popularity, there's been a convergence of former classmates; getting back in touch and asking "did you go to our 10 year reunion?" Seriously, I have not heard a yes reply to that question yet.

On MySpace, the class of 1995 seemed to be doing a good job of having get-togethers. Maybe none of them went to their reunion either.

My class, on the other hand, was non-existent. Until a few months ago. I received an IM from a classmate that added me to her friend's list. After idle chit-chat, she informs me there's a group of them trying to organize a get together as none of them went to reunion and it's been years. She says she’ll be sure to let me know when they plan it. I say cool, let me know.

I'm doing my usual Facebook rounds, hitting pages here and there, seeing what's up. Of course, some of my friends are friends with other classmates that I also knew but I haven't added and they haven't added me. I'm very hesitant about adding people because I'm never quite sure they'll remember me. As I'm doing my rounds, I notice comments referring to a get together, a mini-reunion that's been planned. One of them is even flying out from Boston for it. (It helps that he's a flight attendant for Jet Blue.) The weekend their planning it for happens to be the birthday weekend for the girl that IMed me and told me she’d let me know.

She didn’t tell me about it. No one did. And now I’m like, “after all these years, I’m still not a part of the cool kids.” Well, it’s not like they were all so popular, but you know what I mean. I feel like I’m back in that place. The fuddy-duddy girl with so many other things to do she can’t possibly have time to hang out, go out, or be invited to parties.

I want to scream from the top of my lungs “HAVE YOU SEEN THAT PHOTO OF ME AND JASON STATHAM?!?!?” I’ve been to Showest, sat at tables next to Jason Statham, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Larry the Cable Guy, tables down from Dane Cook, gone to lunches and dinners honoring some of the best actors of our time and up-and-comers. And up until recently, there was a VP title next to my name. What are you doing?!?

Why do I even care? These people are not in my life. They are inconsequential to my life. There are plenty of people that do care about me and are frequent in my life. Aren’t there?

Geez, am I just being snobby again? It feels like it, no?

But it’s also another thing. When you spend so many of your formative years with the same people, it’s inevitable that you’re going to be pegged into a certain persona. There are certain expectations. Going away to college, where absolutely no one knew me, I finally felt like I could be me. I was me. Now, having so many former high school classmates in my life, it feels like I’m being reverted back to that girl. The girl I stopped being so many years ago. The girl that really was never me. And this girl, the one I really am, is not being seen.