Could I be pregnant?

Last week, as I walked to the bus to meet Uni for the day, I caught my reflection in a window and thought to myself, "I look pregnant in this dress." This isn't a rare thought in my head. Due to the cut, style or the way they hang, I think I look pregnant in certain dresses, shirts and blouses. With this particular dress, Uni said it was the way the purse strap hung right under my boobs, cinching the dress into an empire waist, and thus giving the impression of pregnancy.

When I saw my reflection in the window and that thought crossed my mind, in an instant, several other thoughts raced through my mind as well: the date, my last period, my last sexual encounter. In a time span of 10 minutes, as I sat on a bench at the bus stop, the last two months flashed before my eyes. It was almost the end of the month and no period had flowed. I couldn't remember if I had my period in May. Yes, yes I did, but it's late this month, very late. Of course, I must add that my May period was not the norm for me; it was lighter than usual and didn't last as long.

I quickly worked myself up into a frenzy. What would I do if I was pregnant? I can't be pregnant, not right now. It's a bad time for me to be pregnant. No, I can't be pregnant. But sitting there, I knew if I was pregnant, I would have my baby. As much as I believe in abortion rights, I also know I couldn't have one. (You can never make that statement without it sounding like a judgment against women that do, but I don't mean it that way. It's a difficult choice to make and truthfully, there are some women that I wish would have made it.) I thought about how I've always wanted a baby and my fears that I never will. I thought how nice it would be to be pregnant at the same time as my cousin and how our babies could be a few months apart. And I wondered if I would tell him I was pregnant.

Soon, my frenzy was over and I reassured myself that I wasn't pregnant. I thought about my pregnancy scare in 2004 when I was sleeping with P. I had been sitting in my office on the phone with my cousin and she teased me that I might be pregnant. I repeated her tease to a coworker and she ticked off a few symptoms:

• late/missed period - yes, it was late
• frequent urination - yes, but I thought it was due to all the water I was drinking
• tender/sore breasts - yes

Uh, oh, I had freaked out. Even though P and I had always used condoms, what if one of them had a hole and his semen had fertilized my egg?

Obviously, I wasn't pregnant then and the fact that I didn't have any of those symptoms this time was what reassured me. Plus, he didn't come at all.

Later, I mentioned my mini-freak out to Uni and we talked about it a little more. He didn't come, but he still could have secreted fluids and he was in the vicinity, so....

Now June is over and it's officially a missed period. Normally, in my cycle, I would be ovulating soon. I don't have any of the symptoms I keep reading about as the first signs of pregnancy, even though there is also the added stipulation that "every woman is different." Uni plainly said to me last week that I could take a pregnancy test and just get the doubt out of my head. Yes, I can, but I haven't because I'm afraid to know. One way or another, I'm afraid to know the results. There could be a million reasons why I missed my period. Stress coming to the top of the list and the fact that these last (about to be) 3 months since quitting my job I have wreaked havoc on my body with the topsy-turvy hours.

Yes, it would be simple to take a pregnancy test and know for sure I'm not pregnant, but I don't want to go through that disappointment again. Five years ago, I was relieved when it came back negative, but mostly, I was mostly disappointed. I was sad for a baby that never was.

But worse than being disappointed is the fear I feel if I am pregnant. How can I handle it? How can I take care of a baby? I'm not working. My baby wouldn't have a father in his life. (I don't think I would tell him, even though I wouldn't hide it and I'm all over the place on the Internet so he'd know I was pregnant.) The feminist that I am tells me I don't need him in my life, but the '50s housewife in me tells me I don't want to be a single mom.

I know I need to be a mature and responsible sexually active woman and just take the damn test. Know for sure that I'm not pregnant or face it if I am. Because I'm just driving myself crazy with all the what-if's in my head and that's not good. And if I don't, I'd probably have one of those psychological pregnancies (called pseudocyesis, just googled it) since I am emotionally unstable right now (ha ha, still milking it) and that would probably be worse.