As I stood there while mom told me, I kept closing my eyes hoping that when I opened them, I would wake up from a dream; a horrible, horrible dream; a nightmare. I kept wondering why she would play such a cruel joke. It just can't be true.
It took her two weeks to tell us. All this time he was simply away on his yearly trip to Mexico to visit his family. All this time my pup's been moping around waiting for him to come home.
But he's not coming home. After 25 years, he's decided we're just not a part of his future.
I don't even remember feeling this way when my actual father left.
Is it ironic that just the week before I had posted about the day my father left, not knowing my stepdad had left us also?
I'm pretty good about pretending it's not true. I haven't really spoken to anybody about it since the initial shock. I go about doing my normal activities, but then, there are these moments where it just hits me. My eyes burn as I try to hold back the tears.
Mom says we need to be strong. That we're strong women and will get through this. I want to believe it's true, but I'm completely heartbroken.
Everything is just piling up and I don't know how we're going to get through it all; how I'm going to get through it all. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's getting so hard to do.
I just want to hide from the world. Get completely lost. Not have to think about everything I need to think about.
When I think about what I thought my life was going to be like, how I wanted my life to be, this is definitely not what I wanted. I'm beginning to wonder if any of my dreams are even going to come close to coming true, if I'm even going to be able to make any of the things I want happen.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. There are decisions I don't regret making, but there are others that I wonder what would have happened if I had made a different decision. I don't want to think that way, but so much is just wrong. I haven't felt like myself in so long. Everything feels so wrong. Everything feels so incomplete.
How am I supposed to be strong when I feel so alone and broken?
3 comments:
I'm so sorry you're going through this my friend. You'll get through it because you have to. My grandpa told me while I was caring for him in Mexico, "todo llega y todo pasa." You're entitled to feel sad, alone, broken, betrayed, just know that you're not entitled to stay that way. You'll get through it. Hugs.
Your heartbreak is completely understandable because your trust has been broken. None of you deserve it... He put himself first and moved on and left a trail of pain behind him. He may find that his choice did not bring him happiness...
"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet."
~ James Oppenheim
It's ok to feel the way that you're feeling. This too will pass. You'll take it one day at a time and each day you'll move forward a little more and a little more.
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