So long 2009

There are days when I feel like a kid. And then there are days when the pressures of being an adult are overwhelming. The last 8 months have been a rollercoaster of emotions and heartache. We were tested in so many areas it was difficult for me to sit down and write; to share everything we were facing. At times like these, I internalize everything until I can’t take it anymore and just explode.

Well, I haven’t exploded yet, so I guess that’s a good sign. :)

A few weeks ago I started a blog post about how 2009 couldn’t end fast enough. I just wanted to fast forward through December and get to 2010 so as not to risk any more bad things happening to us. December did go by rather quickly, just as 2009 has flown by, but thankfully, things are looking up and 2009 will end on a good note. :)

I’m ready for new and exciting things. 2010 brings a new full-time job with Krikorian Premiere Theatres – a small, Southern California movie theatre chain – managing their patron rewards program. The great thing about this new job is that it came to me. I wasn’t applying for positions yet, just waiting until the beginning of the year to do so. A fellow board member on Young Variety called me the day the guy I’m replacing gave notice to offer me the position.

My strategy these past few months was to stay visible in the industry through my work at Variety and with Young Variety. I’ve been involved with so many events; my exposure has been off the hook. The latest event was the annual Heart of Show Business luncheon where I played a major role alongside some of the industry’s heavy hitters.

I’ve devoted so much of myself to Young Variety and its events, so much so that I was the only board member from the new batch that joined in June to be approached for an officer position and you are looking at the new Young Variety Secretary for 2010 & 2011. (Officers serve 2 year terms.) I have to review the latest By-Laws revisions, but I think I’ll still be able to move up officer positions before I reach my term limits. If you know me, you know my ambitions tend to run high. ;)

I’m trying to focus on the positives because I don’t want to be a downer. But then I think how unfair that is, how I should present a clear picture of my life these last few months. Once I started working part-time, my life stabilized a bit, at least my home life. My personal life suffered quite a bit because I didn’t really go out. Money was tight and I needed to make sure the house bills were covered, leaving very little for much-needed personal luxuries.

There are still days when my eyes just fill up with tears and I think about him leaving us. Anger fills my heart as each day goes by and he doesn’t even try to reach out. 25 years feel like they’ve been thrown away. Like none of them mattered. Flipping through photos, I can’t bear to look at them. I may be angry, but if he even cared, he should still try to talk to us. It might be a small thing, but it would mean something. Instead, he just threw away 25 years. He just walked away.

My Godmother is still recovering from her double mastectomy, but it appears to have been successful. The worst part of it seemed to be the day of; having any kind of surgery at the County hospital is not the easiest thing in the world. It’s very tedious to sit in the waiting room and not be able to get any information about her status or condition. She arrived at the hospital at 5:30am and we were all there with her until she went into prep at 6am. But then she was all alone. She sat in her room by herself until 1:00pm when she finally went into surgery. I cannot imagine what it was like for her to be alone. We all felt helpless, wishing there was more we can do, but didn’t even realize she was just sitting there, waiting. My sister had more luck getting information by calling in than my Godmother’s husband did sitting in the hospital waiting room. We couldn’t get a definite answer to when she would be out of surgery. No one came out to talk to us, to tell us she was out and how the surgery had gone. One of my uncles found the recovery room by chance and it was my sister that got my mom into the recovery room to see my Godmother before her own husband did. My sister has a tone about her; a non-apologizing, confident, strong tone, one that says, “We’re going inside, so don’t even try to stop us.”

My uncle has really come through for my Godmother and has been taking great care of her. We were somewhat worried because my Godmother has devoted her entire life to taking care of her family – her husband, children and grand-children, and the assumption was they would take care of her when the time came, but her children didn’t go with her to the doctor’s appointments, I did. I was in the room with her when the doctor told her she had breast cancer. I held her as she broke down and cried, even though she told herself she was prepared for the diagnosis. I was the one that went out to the waiting room to bring my uncle into the room.

My Godmother is a petite woman, but she looked so small in her hospital bed after her surgery. I’m not good in hospitals. The memory of a loved one lying sick in a hospital bed is not one I want to stay with me, and especially not my Godmother so small in her hospital bed, grimacing with pain, hardly able to move. I stroked her hand and blessed her with the sign of the cross as she slept before I kissed her forehead and whispered everything would be fine in her ear. The next day, when she was wide awake and alert, she asked my mom if she had dreamt it.

My immediate family has always been small; we’re the smallest of all our families, but now it just feels like we’re tiny. It’s just the four of us, but since my brother moved back up to Fresno for school and my sister has her own place, it’s just mom and me in the house. Sure, we have the pups, but it’s just mom and me. As each month goes by, I feel more like a housewife: buying groceries each week, cooking for the week, packing mom’s lunches, doing the dishes – I feel like I’m always doing dishes – paying the house bills (I’ve always paid them, but it’s just been harder lately.), doing all the little things I never worried about doing…mom says we’re like roommates, except everything falls on my shoulders. Sometimes I just need a break, but mom needs me.

The last two months have been better. New people have come into my life and they’ve brought excitement and joy. The ice has broken with fellow board members as we’ve worked on events together.

I’m beyond ready to close the book on 2009 and am really looking forward to 2010. There are already so many great things on the horizon.

*The birth of a new niece.
*A new job with countless opportunities.
*Ton of upcoming events for Young Variety. Work has already begun on this year’s pool tournament.
*My Secretary position on the YV Board.
*My Goddaughter’s 5th Birthday, which means….PAAAARRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYY!!!!
*M and C-los’ wedding in August.
*The hope of love.

All I know is that after everything we went through in 2009, 2010 can only be better.