Broken record

My love life is a broken record. It’s always the same, going round and round, stopping at the same point before it starts to skip and then it begins all over again. I can only bemoan this fact so many times before everyone, me included, gets tired of it.

I’ve had two separate conversations with two different friends, but it was really the same one; both ended the same way, with me in tears. Everyone’s always telling me how great a person I am. I’m sweet and funny; playful and bold. But none of it matters. I have so much to offer, but they don’t see that, they can’t see beyond my physical appearance.

It kills me that as I grow older, I become more self-conscious. I long for the carefree days of my youth; when I never thought about it, when I didn’t care about what others thought. But when you get your heart broken time after time, you start to question if your heart will still be able to heal itself or if it’s just going to harden and make you bitter for the rest of your life. How many times can I continue to put myself through this?

I can go a long time without any interest in anyone, no one catching my fancy, but when I fall, I fall hard. The worst part of falling hard is the disappointment because I go into protective mode when it’s obvious there’s no reciprocation. When I fall, I let my guard down, I let that person completely in. I just don’t know how not to let someone in completely. Well, that’s not true. Either I let someone completely in or I don’t let them in at all. There’s no happy medium. But as soon as I begin to feel that they don’t feel the same way about me, that they don’t see me like that, the walls shoot back up and I push them away. I start fights, I shut them out; it makes it easier in the long run, but in the short run, I hurt myself more than they possibly could.

The funny thing is that each time I fall, I don’t bring any of the baggage from the previous time into it. My heart is wide open and full of hope…maybe that’s the problem…

I’m so obvious. Beyond obvious. He must know. He has to know. And if he doesn’t, then how dumb is he…

He has to know I’m completely crazy about him. And crazy I am. I’m head over heels. I can’t be near him without fidgeting or leaning in so close to him. He excites me so, but confuses me even more. I just wish things were clear, that I knew what was going on; whether or not he was even the slightest bit into me. He says things that tell me he does, but then it changes.

Again, he has to know, but then that means he doesn’t feel the same. I’ve given all sorts of signals; I’ve put myself out there. And so it’s begun. I’ve become impossible, started picking fights and just basically been pushing him away. The walls have gone back up, taller than ever and the only thing that makes it better is that I don’t have to see him every day anymore. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. It makes me incredibly sad, but I know it’s better that way. It will help. I just need to cut off contact for a while.
And so, I’m still waiting…waiting for the one that’s going to see me