Damaged

My obsession with The Hunger Games trilogy has me thinking a lot about my past relationships, my past loves and any possibility of future love. It's a well known fact that I've been ruined by books and movies in terms of my expectations of men and love. Will I ever find my Mr. Darcy? My Laurie? My Noah? And now, we add Peeta and Gale to the list...

Of course, it would also mean that I'd have to be their Elizabeth, Jo, Allie or Katniss.

My thoughts are jumbled, thinking about past loves and wondering if any ever really meant anything and if it still means something. Have I just completely closed myself off and if so, why?

It's hit me like a ton of bricks that I've only ever been in love once and it was such a pure and innocent love...a love with no passion or heat, can it even count? I never felt his touch, his warmth against my skin bringing me to life. And yet, I realize that to this day I cannot let go. I cannot let go of him. I am not in love with him anymore, but still, he remains. A constant reminder of the girl I once was, the girl he never loved. And maybe that's why. Maybe that's why I cannot let go. The pain so big I can never bring myself to really let anyone in. To open myself up. To open my heart to someone else, to the possibility.