Stuck

It's been hard. The pandemic has been hard for a lot of people. I was fortunate, privileged that getting furloughed didn't impact me as much as others. I have a roof over my head that is paid off, my sister is a lawyer and bought the bulk of the groceries, and my unemployment/savings covered my monthly bills, including the house utilities, while still allowing me to splurge on crafty items. I was also able to buy bulk groceries to keep my mom stocked.

Mentally and physically it was a different story. If you know me well, then you know I have a difficult and complicated relationship with my family. The lockdown forced us to interact and speak to one another. Pre-lockdown, I pretty much just slept here. A typical weekday had me leaving for work before anyone else got up (before 6am and twice a week before 5am) and I wouldn't get home until 10 or 11 at night. During weekends, if I didn't have training/gym, I usually had crafty events to attend, so I still left the house early and came back late evening.

But with lockdown, I was here all day, every day. Even with not working, I didn't have an issue keeping myself busy. Growing up, my mom was strict with me, even firing nannies for suggesting she let me go outside and play with other kids on the block. So I learned early on how to entertain myself. My brother was working from home and he didn't do well with the lockdown. He drove us crazy rearranging the house. My sister finally put a stop to it when he was moving things around the kitchen that didn't make it easy for mom at all and it delayed dinner. He sulked for a couple of days, but then focused on other parts of the house. When he went in on my craft stuff, I had a meltdown and locked myself away in my room and I'm still here.

I went from working out 5-6 days a week to nothing. I tried at-home workouts, but then my brother took over the backyard. Plus, they didn't feel the same. My walks at the park didn't do anything for me either, so I started running. As hard as it was, it was exhilarating and almost comparable to my gym workouts. But my hips did not enjoy them and even with post-run stretching, I would still limp for the almost mile walk home and sitting down/standing was painful. I started applying multiple salon pas patches to my hips and lower back just to get through a run. After the meltdown with my brother and locking myself away, I stopped running and all physical activity.

I was supposed to go back to work last September, but it didn't happen. Then it was January, and nope, not yet. I'm still not back to work. Others are, but without a solid release schedule and box office grosses, they can't bring everyone back, so I am still stuck at home. As each day passes and there is no word, I fall deeper into despair. I wanted to go back to work and let my finances stabilize, build my savings back up a little before switching jobs, but it looks like I should start looking for a new job now. I am so disillusioned with my boss and company that I just don't think I can go back there. I honestly just wish they would let me go and make things easy. That way they would also have to pay out my accrued vacation and when COVID hit, I was at 139 hours. A nice chunk to add to my savings.

Once I was fully vaccinated, my plan was to start going to the gym. I have gone, but am struggling to keep going. I don't have the motivation to do anything. I want to, but I can't get myself up to do it. I'm stuck.