They're Never Like That In The Beginning

(Post 1 of 9)

When we started seeing each other, he admitted he thought we would just be a casual summer fling. No matter how many times I told him I wasn't seeing anyone else and that I didn't want to see anyone else, he would always tell me to make sure a couple of days had passed after being with another guy before I'd be with him. After a few months and lots of reassurance, he was satisfied I wasn't seeing anyone else and he claimed me. He said I belonged to him and only him. He cemented his "ownership" of me with sexual activities I had never done before and was only allowed to do with him.

I thought I'd walked into our relationship with eyes wide open. I knew him. I knew what he was like. It had been ten years since the last time we saw each other, but I knew what I was walking into. Did I think we would have a serious relationship? Probably not. I had always wanted to have sex with him; he was the first man I was ever sexually attracted to, remember... In fact, the first time we saw each other after all those years, we had sex. I was on my period, but he didn't care. He fucked me, anyway. And that was one of the ways he claimed me. After fucking me while on my period, he said, "Now you're mine."

The signs were there, but I still thought he had changed. While we hadn't spoken in ten years, we had mutual friends so I knew what he was up to. I knew he had had a serious girlfriend and they were living together. And I knew she had him on lockdown. My friend and I would laugh and laugh about how the tables had turned. They were together for years and she ended up cheating on him.

When we started seeing each other, it had been a couple of years since that relationship ended. He was distrustful of women and wasn't looking to settle down into a relationship, which is why he would always say to give it a couple of days before I was with him after being with another guy. In the beginning, there was no exclusivity. Once he realized we were more than just a casual summer fling, he imposed rules.

Primarily, I was to be faithful and committed to him. I was to be submissive to him.

And yes, I agreed.

You have to understand what my life was like when our relationship began. I was three months into being the board president of YV and dealing with everything that came with it. Yes, I had already spent 4 years on the board and had held officer positions, but now, it really was on me; now I was really in charge. I had more commitments to Variety as well. I had a lot on my plate. My professional life was overwhelming. Monthly board meetings for YV and Variety; I had also taken on YV International. I worked closely with the organizations Variety/YV funded, lots of events, I worked every Variety event, traveled for Variety. All of my vacation time at work went to Variety. For the first two years of our relationship, my calendar was YV/Variety.

So being in charge in my professional life was overwhelming and it felt so good to give that up in my personal life. It brought balance to my life.

We were so happy in those first two years. It's not like we didn't fight. Issues arose, but we worked through them. He never said the words, but I felt loved. I was happy. He said no one had ever made him feel the way I did. We were happy. We even talked about moving in together. I had brought it up first and he wasn't into the idea. He liked having his own space. Months later, he brought it up and we agreed to wait until I returned from Paris, but when I returned, the idea went off the table.

Things had started to change. The dynamic was different now. I was no longer president of YV. As the months of my presidency had dwindled down, he had become more insistent. When was I going to stop attending so many events. After my presidency, I moved into the advisory board. I was tired and needed a break. My VP was the new board president and we had talked about my advisory role. I told him I would always be there for him. He could call or e-mail me anytime, and if he really needed me at an event, I would be there, but I wasn't going to attend the meetings or all the events. He understood. He was my VP so he knew everything I went through with Variety and the toll it took on me.

My professional life had also taken another hit when I was laid off from work. I took unemployment as a nice break. It's not like I actually took a break because I was still president of YV and volunteering more for Variety, this time in the office. Once my unemployment run out, I was put on the Variety payroll part-time. Fortunately, right before Paris, I started working full time in my current position. Starting that full time job led to a hugely diminished role with Variety.

To recap, the first two years of my relationship with F, my professional life was extremely busy and I was in charge of a lot of things so being submissive to him in my personal life brought a much needed balance to my life.