Ups and Downs

(Post 2 of 9)

Once I was no longer the board president and my commitments to Variety were scaled back, the issues in our relationship became bigger. He became more controlling. It turned out he always had an issue with my activities. He wanted me home. If I wanted to go out, I had to ask for permission. My new job was on the west side and my commute was longer. He didn't like that. The commute wasn't easy either. Sometimes it took me 3 hours to get home in rush hour traffic from the west side. Fortunately a few months after I started over there, the new train line opened and it cut my commute time in half.

He added new rules to our relationship. Not only did I have to ask for permission to go out, I had to let him know when I left the house, when I arrived at work, when I left work, when I got home, etc. etc.

Our fights were bigger. I was accused of cheating. I couldn't really go out with male friends, unless they were gay and even then, he'd be suspicious. I was accused of trying to trap him with a baby so I had to go on birth control. Any little thing set him off. And I justified everything. I told myself I just had to show him that I wasn't like his ex; I wouldn't cheat on him. I made promises to him, promises binding myself to him to prove I loved him. I told myself that if I did what he wanted and showed him how much I loved him, he would love me back.

Instead, I just lost more and more of myself.

When we were together, I felt so special. He forced me to overcome my physical insecurities. He didn't care if I was insecure about my body, he wanted it. It turned him on to see me naked. He took pleasure in my body. I could be free with him.

I'm not going to lie, sex with F was great. I loved going down on him and he knew how to fuck. I have always enjoyed sex and been very open about my sexuality; I am a sexual being and he & I were very sexually compatible. He didn't hesitate to flip me, spread me; I'd be on top, he'd be behind me. He could get rough, but I liked it. He didn't hesitate to fuck me if I was on my period. We had oops moments and it was OK. He "trained" me to his likes. I was there to please him and he, in turn, pleased me.

My favorite moments were post-sex, when we would lie together and just talk. He was so sweet and gentle in those moments. When we were together, the world outside did not exist; it was just the two of us.