The End Was Only The Beginning

(Post 4 of 9)

Four and half years in, he said he was done with me. I had committed the ultimate betrayal. I prioritized another man over him.

One of my friends from middle school was getting married and I was invited to the wedding. It meant a lot to me and I had told F when I got the invite and kept reminding him about it. Initially, he had said I could attend, but as the wedding date approached, he wasn't so sure anymore. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't let me go. My friend is gay. He was marrying another man. Aside from family, most of the attendees were going to be gay men. I wasn't going to cheat on him with a gay man.

The week of the wedding, he put his foot down and said I couldn't go. I kept pleading and it would just anger him. So I lied. The day of the wedding, I told him I was at the gym when I was getting my hair done. Before I left the house, I sent him a quick boob shot to tie him over. While I was on the train, he wanted to see more, so I told him I wasn't feeling good and in bed. He knew I was lying. He wanted a pic and I wouldn't send him one. I was sitting in the church when he sent the last message calling me a bunch of names and saying he knew I was at the wedding. I ignored him for the rest of the night, but I was miserable inside.

The next day I admitted to going to the wedding. I didn't have anything to lose at that point. Admitting it just made things worse and while he said he was done with me, he wasn't. No, when he "broke up" with me is when everything got worse.

To be honest, it's not like I took the break up well. I cried and begged him not to leave me. I told him I would be good. I would obey. I tried explaining how much it meant to me to go to my friend's wedding. I agreed that I shouldn't have lied to him.

He double downed on all the rules. Constant check-ins. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere besides work, the gym, or family-related. He once gave me permission to go to my cousin's house in Fontana, but I had to check-in once an hour and send a naked pic each time. Do you know how embarrassing it was to have to go to the bathroom every hour in order to text him a naked pic?

I had to send him naked videos every night. I still had a curfew and the video had to be sent within an hour of getting home. He would get angry if I took too long with the video. Every morning, when I woke up I had to immediately text him a morning greeting and tell him how much I loved him.

He would reiterate that I belonged to him. He owned me and since I broke the rules, I deserved to be punished. I had to submit to be punished. He never hit me. He would just threaten to hit me. The more I "messed up," the more he threatened. If I even thought about leaving him, he threatened me. He said he would kill whomever I left him for and that he would beat me so bad I would wish he killed me. Other times he did threaten to kill me if I left.

And it was all my fault. If I had been a good girl, if I had obeyed, we would still be happy; I would still feel special and loved. His behavior was a direct result of my behavior. I was supposed to be his solace, his stress relief; I was supposed to please him.