Defiance

(Post 5 of 9)

That's what he would tell me. He would ask me if I remembered how we were in the beginning, how happy I was, how happy we were and when I would reply yes, he'd tell me it was because I obeyed back then. Back then, I behaved how he wanted me to, I did what he wanted, I satisfied him and in return, he gave me what I wanted. But now I was difficult; I disobeyed him. I was more trouble than what I was worth. I didn't give him what he wanted so he didn't give me what I wanted.

For the last two and a half years, we've been on and off. Somehow, I became defiant; refusing to do the things he wanted. He would get so mad. I wouldn't hear from him for months and when he would reach out, it was always the same.

"Who are you with? Who have you been sleeping with?"

His texts were always accusatory. I must have been sleeping with someone else. If I just admitted it, he would forgive me.

My answer was always the same. "No one." He would never believe me.

He'd want me to send pics or videos and I started refusing. I told him I wouldn't until he came to see me, but he wouldn't. I had to prove I was worthy of his attention, so he would refuse to see me. He'd say I shouldn't want to see him because I still needed to be punished; I hadn't been forgiven and I would not like my punishment. We would argue and the cycle would repeat.

For months, I wouldn't hear from him.

At first, I would still try to follow his rules, like my curfew. I was honor bound to him. I had made promises to him and I couldn't break them; I had given him my word. I had promised I would never be with anyone else. Deep inside I still had hope he would see how much I really loved him. I put up with all his threats and said I would take his punishment. Even though he constantly threatened to punish me, he wouldn't come to see me, so to me, it meant that he didn't really want to hit me; that's why he stayed away from me, he did care about me and didn't want to hurt me.

I was so messed up.

Sometimes, when he'd come back, he would be sweet; he would make promises for a new beginning and I would fall back into him. I still refused to send pics/videos, but I would follow all of his rules and demands. He would accept it at first, thinking I would start sending them eventually, but when I wouldn't, he'd get angry. Even before all of this, I didn't like sending them anymore. They didn't do anything for me. I was bored and tired of doing them day after day. What I wanted was for him to fuck me. He said I should be happy he wanted to get off to my videos instead of watching porn.