Everything Changes

(Post 6 of 9)

So for two and a half years. we were on and off. He would be gone from my life for months at a time. When he was gone, I slowly started to rebuild my life.

I started focusing on parts of my life I could control. I was committed more than ever to my workouts and was going to the gym 5-6 times a week. I got more into planning & crafting and joined different groups. I was making new friends, new relationships.

But I always hid this part of my life. Even my closest friends didn't know.

I think Marisela had an inkling of what was going on, but she never said anything. She saw how he affected me when we went to New York. As much as I really liked New York, there was an undercurrent of sadness & anxiety the entire time we were there. He was mad at me for going and ignored all my texts while I was there. He had initially given me permission to go, but as the week approached, it became, "Who are you going to see? Who's there that you want to fuck?"

It's funny how much time he spent telling me no one else would want me and trying to brand me so no one else would want me, but then turn around and constantly accuse me of fucking someone else.

I was so ashamed. I let him do this to me. I walked right into it. I kept justifying what he was doing. He had been cheated on so of course he would have trust issues, he doesn't really want to hurt me, he really wants me otherwise why would he spend all this time on me.

In late 2018, I did end up telling my work wife about him and showed her the tattoo. It's on the side of my lower back so I just have to lift my shirt. I feel marked by the tattoo. How can I ever be with someone else having this on my body? Work wife agrees that I should look into covering it up or having it removed. She tries to remind me not to go back to him, but I've even lied to her. I've been back with him since I told her about him.

He has a sixth sense or something because he always knows when I'm happy; when I'm content with life and things are going well. That's when he'll reach out and disrupt my life. Regardless of the outcome, whether I let him back into my life or he gets angry because I still refuse to obey, however briefly he's back, it always sends my life into a tailspin.