Need a release

I need to have sex. Last night, I, well, um, I, um...more extensively than I have been and I slept so soundly. No tossing and turning. No waking up in the middle of the night. I even slept through my alarms. Well, I always sleep through them, but I hear them and just ignore them. This morning I heard nothing. And when I woke up, I actually felt refreshed.

I've been so stressed lately with absolutely no release. So last night was, well, um, a much needed breakthrough. I don't know how I do it; how I go so long without. I need it.

Ack! I almost wish he was here, just so I could fill this need. But no, it would be wrong. ack.

I don't think I'll be able to go very much longer without. I need to find a solution to this problem of mine. ;)

I want more

I went trick-o-treatin' with my girls on Halloween. Obviously we were going to go by P's house. He always gives out candy, but you'd think he would have learned by now to add some lights to his porch and make it more visible that there's candy there. Every year it's the same thing. You can hear him yelling out "CANDY!" at the top of his lungs, but no one ever goes to his house. This year when the kids came to my Godmother's house, we directed them over there after P came over and asked us to.

So, my cousin, her husband, my Goddaughter, my niece and I head out trick-o-treatin' and his is the first house we hit. He's sitting on the porch with his mom and fiancee. Yes, that's right, he's engaged. I can't believe he's marrying her. I don't know her, obviously. Why would I? It's not like we were together and it's not like he would ever bring himself to admit he slept with me. But still, I can't believe he's marrying her. She's so plain. She's so...well, I don't know what she is, but I can't help thinking I'm cuter than her, that I would have been a better choice.

OK, don't get the wrong idea. I wouldn't have married him. Oh no, there were serious issues there; serious incompatibilities. Nonetheless, I still believe I am the better catch.

But, whatever.

So we went to his house and my cousin's husband noticed that P was already wearing a wedding ring. He asked him if he was married and P responded that the wedding was next year.

Why is he wearing his wedding ring then?

That does not read to me like a committed guy, but a guy that's trying to prove something. That's the thing about P; he's always trying to prove how much of a stud he is, how much of a man he is. He can't just be himself, he has to show the people around him that he's more than he really is, and it's really kind of sad; he'd be a better person if he was just happy with who he is and what he has.

I'm trying to be like that; accepting of who I am as a person. Yes, always striving to be a better me, but not a better someone else.

I shouldn't care he's engaged. I really don't, I swear. Well, at least not in the way that I lament it's not me he's marrying. Like I said, serious incompatibility issues. I'm affected by his engagement because he's the only guy I've ever slept with. He was my first. He was my last.

Yes, there have been two others that I've done things with, but I was never able to really give myself completely to them. P was different. At least I thought he was. You really never know someone until you sleep with them. Up until that point, they're showing you the best of who they are in order to get what they want. And then, after, they show you who they really are. At least, that was the case with P. So after I gave myself completely to him, he showed me who he was. I don't regret sleeping with him, it felt right at the time. I learned a lot from that experience. I learned what I wanted and what I didn't want. I definitely do not want P.

But as long as I can't give myself completely to someone else, he will be ever present in my mind, in my soul. I need to cleanse myself of him; rid him from my being and turn him into just a memory. I don't know how to do that without sleeping with someone else, and I don't know how to sleep with someone else without being emotionally connected to them.

I learned the hard way that I'm not a girl that can do the casual sex thing. OK, so the last few times I was with P it was just sex, but remember, I was emotionally connected to Boston boy and just using P as a stand-in for him. (I know, bad faded girl!)

So why don't I sleep with Boston boy, you ask? Good question. It's just not going to happen. There are too many obstacles. We want different things. He just wants sex. I want more. I'm just not the girl he wants. Sure, he enjoys the pleasures that I provide, but I'm not _THE_ girl. He could've been _THE_ guy for me. I seriously thought he was. But he's not. And I just can't settle for anything less than what I really want. We work so much better when there's an entire country between us than when we're in the same place together. And of course, the fact that he's now a dad, but yet didn't feel it was necessary to tell me about his impending fatherhood. Sure I knew, of course, I'd know. But if he ever respected me, just a little, and thought there was even the smallest possibility that I could be the girl for him, don't you think he should have told me? I do. So the fact that he didn't, hasn't, well, that says a lot right there.

He can text me naughty messages. He can say he enjoyed the times my mouth was wrapped around him and can't wait until the next time. He can say he's going to do all sorts of things to me. But that's all it is, right - just sex. No feelings, no emotions, no connection, no love; just sex. I can't do just sex anymore. I want more. I deserve more.

Thoughts have been flitting around in my head; thoughts that shouldn't be there. On paper, it all looks good. But the reality is different. I feel like I'll never be good enough. No matter what I do. I'm not the hot chick. I'm not the gorgeous babe. I'm just one of the guys. I've always just been one of the guys.

So where does that leave me?

How does a girl that loves sex, but can't do casual sex because she needs a connection, have sex? How does a girl that's put her career first and thus, has no time to find someone, get the relationship she's always wanted? How does a girl that's heartbroken because she realized her physical appearance was the reason he was never able to love her, have hope that one day her prince will come?

I voted. Have you?

I voted. Have you?

Bitter disappointment

My hopes and dreams vanished in one simple utterance: "My girlfriend has the book."

It's the story of my life, no?

I let myself get carried away by these thoughts and now I feel silly. Well, I feel stupid. :(

I knew my boss was on crack and I should have just stuck to my instincts and not let it go to my head. I don't even know how I hid the disappointment in my face when he brought up his girlfriend. Maybe I didn't; maybe it was noticeable. I am truly disappointed. :(

Got my hair did

I got highlights. I was in desperate need of something new.

Think he'll notice? Most importantly, think he'll like?



And just because I'm hoping he'll notice and like my hair, does not mean I did this for him, okay?!? I did it for me. It would just be an added bonus for him to like it. ;-)

Vote!

Happy Halloween

I can breathe again

Deleting my old blog was one of the hardest things I've had to do recently; in my personal life at least. It was three years of my life - the good, the bad, the ugly, the insane....EVERYTHING.

And now it's gone. :(

It took a couple of tries before I could actually click the delete button and then a few more times before I could click the "are you sure?" button that appears. But I did it. And a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Things had gotten ridiculously complicated. I was driving myself crazy with the different blogs and I'm sure I was also driving all of my friends crazy. But no more.

I have a fresh start; a new beginning for a new life. A new life is what I've had since I left my old job for this new company. I've been given a once in a lifetime opportunity; an opportunity to create and build something great. These past few months have not been easy, aside the turmoil it's created in my personal life, I've had to face many challenges I never thought possible.

I am stressed beyond belief, but it's all so thrilling. I completed my first project with my new system. Granted, it was a very small test project that the client isn't paying for at all, but it was very real nonetheless. And now, I'm gearing up for my first major project; one we will be billing the client for. I'm hella freaked and terrified, and yet, I can't wait. :)

I think it helps a little that I have this HUGE crush on one of the system developers. ;-) It just sorta grew on me. I always thought he was cute, but it was never any more than that, especially because he usually frustrated the heck out of me. Above all, he annoyed me. I always felt like he wasn't listening to what I said or wanted. He argued with me. We butted heads a lot. And really, that's what did it, no? He didn't just go with what I wanted because I was the client. He thought about things and would say "no, that's not going to work."

He has no problem arguing with me and saying he's not going to ask me something when he knows I don't know the answer. My response to that - how do you know I don't know the answer? His response - because you don't. Excuse me?!? But that's just it, that's why I find myself dressing cute when I'm going to see him and doing my hair for him, why I'm crushing big time - he challenges me. He doesn't just roll over and go with "the client's always right" motto. He'll fight me to the death if he needs to, but I'll fight too and when I win and he turns out to be right and I have to go back to him and tell him he was right, he relishes saying I told you so, even though he doesn't really say it, but that grin on his face says it for him. But, of course, how stubborn am I? Even then I won't back down and he'll just continue arguing with me.

Last Friday we even got into it in Spanish. Yes, he's Latino. Shocking, huh? I keep falling for the Latino's considering I've always said I wanted to marry a white guy.

When we work one on one, we get along great. We really understand one another and click. When we're with everyone else, well, that's when he annoys me the most. He's not good in front of a group. He's very logical, which is annoying sometimes, and demands examples a lot. Or will ask, "how many checkers complained" when I tell him to change something because there were complaints.

We're slowly getting to know one another on a personal level. I think I understand him better now and don't get as annoyed anymore. We've been putting a lot of effort into making sure we're on the same page and completely agree. Not only that, though, we're getting to know each other on a personal level, our likes and dislikes. Unfortunately, I'm still not sure how old he is. He's around my age, but a little older I think; somewhere between 30-35.

My boss seems to think he has a thing for me. She says he looks and speaks to me differently. It also doesn't help that when we work together, we end up spending a lot of time together. Last Friday, I spent three and a half hours with him after our regular two hour meeting considering we were only supposed to take about an hour. Same thing today; a planned hour turned into just over 2, plus lunch. It's such a tricky situation, though, because of the whole client-vendor dynamic and has the potential to go awfully bad very quickly.

Besides, I think my boss is on crack when she says he has a thing for me. I've given him two opportunities and nothing. Twice, I've worn some really cute outfits that emphasize certain assets and nothing; absolutely no reaction from him. Like I said, it's a tricky situation, but it's been a nice distraction. It's helped me get through some of this work stress and that's a very good thing. ;-)

Reinvented

Welcome to my new blog. :)