On Wednesday, I went to Burbank to meet Uni for lunch at Porto’s. (mmm, Porto’s) Our lunch turned into 3 hours and then I ended up having a caramel frap from an Albertsons’ Starbuck’s and reading for 2 hours while I waited for Uni to get off work so we could head over the hill to the Westside together. The commute went rather smoothly considering it’d been raining on and off and LA drivers are at their all-time worst during rain. (Oh no, a little rain and I’ve suddenly forgotten how to drive. Well, not me, them. I don’t drive, remember?) Once over the hill we decided we were hungry again and ended up heading over to Souplantation. (I hadn’t been there since leaving the Westside in ’08; oh, how I missed thee.) We sat and talked while eating for another 2 or 3 hours.
I was beginning to think I was in the clear; that I wasn’t going to be trashed for leaving my job. It was almost 2 months. I had laid low; hadn’t contacted anyone. I essentially disappeared. My sources told me it was well over a month before the realization that I was no longer with my former company. Boy was I wrong. I hadn’t reached out to any of my “supposed” contacts, and honestly, I wasn’t planning to, but I was set to resurface now that I was confirmed as a board member for Young Variety and my first board meeting was approaching.
And so it began.
My former mentor, a woman I long stopped trusting, by the way, set about to learn what she could about what I was up to. Of course, she thought she knew what had happened, but she knows shit. And frankly, I’m not about to start filling in the gaps for anyone, and most definitely not her. I know she just wants information to take back to my former employers. In the midst of trashing me, she has sunk to the lowest anyone can. Not only is she rewriting history, since she can’t criticize me on my work, she’s gone the personal route. I’m immature, emotionally unstable, and I’m fat. Who in their right mind is going to hire the fat girl?!?
Two things went through my mind upon hearing this.
One, what a fucking BIATCH!!!
And two, I was reminded of the first chapter of Jen Lancaster’s (third) autobiography,
Such a Pretty Fat, where she’s called a fat bitch and she just responds, “
Yeah. Like I haven’t heard that before.” Seriously man, she couldn’t come up with something more creative? She had to resort to calling me fat? Oh my god, puh-lease. It almost makes me laugh knowing how truly pathetic the whole thing is.
All I can say is she should watch what she says because if anyone can burn her, it’s me. And if I was a lesser person, burn her I would. But I’ve kept my mouth shut about her, my former company, my former bosses, everything. I knew full well the consequences of leaving the way I did and I took that responsibility fully.
In all of this, I’ve done what I’ve needed to do; I’ve put myself first and have taken care of the person that matters – me. I’ve been conscientious of how my actions have affected others, and I have sacrificed a great deal and risked many relationships, but I had to do what was best for
me. I have not put this on anyone else. I’m letting things fall as they may. You want to continue a relationship with me, great. You don’t, so be it. There’s nothing I can do to change things. We all have our own decisions to make and I made mine.
Of course, the better part of our lunch and commute over the hill covered this topic, but at dinner, even though every now and then a reference to it would be made, it had grown tired. There are only so many times I can call her a biatch. (That’s not entirely true.) As I’ve mentioned, these last few months there’s been resurgence in communication with former high school and college classmates, all thanks to Facebook. This has especially been true for one friend in particular from college. We’ve been chatting online later in the evening. We’re both night owls. He usually doesn’t go to bed until 2am and since we’re both in Cali, it works out. He’s up in San Fran and I’m in SoCal. In college we carried on a NorCal vs SoCal rivalry. Fake, of course. ;p
I had mentioned him to Uni before and we were discussing his current marital situation, one I will not go into here. In the course of this discussion, I ended up telling her how we’d met in college and how he was the one that changed my views on drug use, well, recreational drug use, like marijuana, not hard drugs, even though I personally have never tried them. I felt like I was boring her because I ended up going into my extra-curricular activities with the student government, and once you get me started with that, well, I get all hyper and just keep going and going. Before long, I’d gone back to my high school years with all my club involvements and everything; more boring stuff. :(
By the time we sat waiting at the airport for my bus home, I was lamenting that I was no longer that girl from high school and college and wondering what happened to me. In high school, I was not A-list popular, but a nerd, yet, I was still well-known. I was involved with numerous school clubs and had leadership positions in all of them. I led several clubs; increased membership, interfaced with faculty, planned events, and had absolutely no problem leading meetings. I didn’t have a problem reaching out to new members and including them – how else was I going to increase membership, by standing quietly in the back? Uh, no.
And college was the same thing, though, this time with both student government and student organizations. I was involved in search committees for new admissions staff, college deans and other staff. I was involved in college committees that brought awareness on violence to campus, responsible for setting student life guidelines, and entrusted to wisely allocate all funds to the 80 plus student organizations on campus from the student life fund. Twice I had to convince the student body that I was the right candidate for student body government positions.
And now? I have such a difficult time mingling, making small talk with strangers and my own clients. I go to events and sit apart with my own people, staying in my comfort zone. So what happened to me?
As I recounted the stories to Uni of how I became involved with everything I did in high school and college, she said I haven’t changed. Nothing was handed to me. I worked hard to earn those positions, to gain the respect of everyone, and I did that by letting my work speak for itself. From my 9th grade Algebra 2 teacher that favored the boys in the class and recruited them first, even though I was just as good a student; it wasn’t until I beat both of them at the end of the school year for the class’ top spot that he recruited me into the math and science club. Where I went on to be President my junior year and was responsible for increasing membership and continued the groups success in academic competitions. My KC advisor that had apprehensions of my being President my senior year because I hadn’t been a great student in his AP US History class the year before (I suffered from Junioritis – complete burnout.) and feared I had too much on my plate like my predecessor to do what was required. As I stood ready to graduate, my advisors for both those clubs recognized their errors and regarded me as the best thing to happen to them.
In college, the love of my life, budget committee – I poured myself into it, but I didn’t even begin as a full member, I was the 2nd alternate, didn’t even have to go to the meetings, but I did. I went to all of the meetings, even started going to all the senate meetings, and worked my way up to full member and then, I was in charge. It wasn’t handed to me, I had to work for it, show that I knew the guidelines inside out and then suddenly, everyone was telling me to run for treasurer; that I was the best candidate. The Latino organization shunned me for my first year and half because I didn’t automatically stand up for them in bc, but after all my hard work and fixing mistakes made by the previous treasurer, I was accepted with open arms, and then I was helping with events and a co-chair for the group.
Uni pointed this all out to me and said it’s my M.O. (hee hee). I gain the respect of others through my hard work. I overcome obstacles put in front of me by others based solely on their expectations of who I am and what I’m meant to do, to change their views and prove my worthiness. That’s what I’ve done now and why I’m on the board. She said she wouldn’t be surprised if I was leading it in a few years as it fits with my M.O.
The following day, I had dinner (mmm, sushi) with Mari and we were discussing my current situation and everything that’s happened. She says my life has been about expectations. My sister was grooming me to be just like her, another lawyer, but I bypassed those expectations and made my own path, regardless of the disappointment felt by my family. I’ve always done things my own way. Junior year of high school, I took Physics while my friends took AP Bio. I also veered off my academic path to be the spirit squad manager, something my friends looked down on. The more something has been expected of me, the more others have tried to pegged me into this little box, the more I’ve gone out of my way to do what makes me happy, regardless of how much more work that may have meant.
Simply put, in the end, my hard work speaks for itself. That’s the reason my former mentor hasn’t touched that subject to criticize me. She can’t touch me there. No one can. So I will, once again, overcome all obstacles, beat all expectations, and rise again. I’ve done it all my life.
It’s my M.O.
It’s who I am.
