Happy Birthday my love

I am so proud of you.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I carry you with me every single day; willing you to come back to me. Thoughts of you - your face, your voice - flit through my mind throughout the day. I close my eyes and can see you; imagine how the touch of your fingers feel against my skin, the feel of your lips on mine.

I close my eyes and I can feel your arms around me, engulfing me in your warmth and love. I close my eyes and you are here.

I long for the day when I can speak to you again...when I can see you again.

I promise to remain strong. To remain faithful to you, to our love.

Missing him

I am currently reading a book in which the main character's husband is killed by a drunk driver at the beginning so the book is all about her grief process. It doesn't make sense and it's not the same thing; I feel stupid even thinking this, but as I read I can relate to some of the things she is going through and feels and I feel like I am grieving for the loss of him.

If he had died or if we had "broken" up, it would be easier.

Instead I'm stuck in limbo hell without any sense of what's going on or what's going to happen.

I know it's completely irrational, but yet I am angry, sad, heartbroken and completely lost. I feel abandoned; left-behind. Promises broken. Dreams shattered. Life at a standstill.

I know that in the long run, it will be better for us, but right now, right now all I want is him here with me...I want to be with him...I want to hear his voice...I want to hear him say he loves me. I just want to know he's OK...that we're OK.

It's been two months. For the last two months I have not heard from him or about him. I don't know where he is, when I'll hear from him. Nothing. And it's killing me.

I am so selfish. Why couldn't he wait two weeks? Why couldn't he wait until we saw each other? until we were together?

I want him here. I need him. I love him and my life in incomplete without him.



Please come back. Please come back to me soon.

Pitch Perfect - The Rif-Off

Watched the movie on Friday. Ordered the soundtrack when I got home. Received it today at work. Had it on repeat all day long.

Sleepless nights

I have not slept well for the last 5 weeks. I lie in bed awake for hours. When I finally get to sleep, I'm restless. I wake up several times a night.

It's catching up to me. I can't focus at work and I get so sleepy during the day. I think this time I really do need a case of 5-hour energy, grape flavor is preferred, but I'll also take berry. Orange flavor doesn't work for me.

My life is in limbo right now. I don't know what is going to happen, what I am supposed to do. I have thrown myself back into a life I had already closed the book on. I was supposed to move on, move forward. Now I have moved backward. I am stuck.

Not only am I stuck, I am stuck with no answers. If I had answers then I would know, I would be able to make decisions and know what to do next.

I Won't Give Up

I am not going to NC after all.

A situation arose.

I am not ready to talk about it.

I still love him.

I have faith in our love.

We just need time to work through this new obstacle to our love.

I believe in him.

I believe in us.

Two Weeks

In two weeks I will be on my third day with him. We will be in NC for our first visit together as a couple. I cannot wait! I am so excited!

I know the hardest part will be leaving him. I know I won't want to let him go. :(

He sent me the most beautiful e-mail on my birthday, professing his love and desires for our future. I truly am the luckiest girl in the world.

I am anxious for our life together to begin. We don't have a timeline, yet, though. We're still waiting because we don't know where he's going to relocate for work yet. Each day without him gets harder and harder. He wants me to remain engaged in my life here, but to me it's a world I am no longer a part of; a life no longer mine. Very little has meaning to me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not turning my back on my friends...but work and even my activities are just a drag now. More than half the time I sit there wondering what I am even doing there. I've cut back quite a bit on my activities, taking my name off events and working only those I had already started.

I have to admit, though, while it was nice not to be engaged in my activities for two months (no e-mails, no dealing with stupidity), I almost dropped the ball big time and effed up a big event that would have disappointed kids more than myself. Thankfully, some friends helped me and saved my ass big time. So now I'm just trying to tie up the last few things and not take on anything else.

I have never been this happy and I can't wait for our adventure to begin. <3

He loves me. <3

Cute

Don't we look so cute together? :D