Complete and Total Breakdown

My doctor wants me to lose weight. So much so she even set a 3-month goal. She made a point of telling me that it was going to take a lot of work to lose weight. A month later, I can tell I've lost weight, but I've been putting off the one thing I new I needed to do.

I'm very good at making excuses.

First, I was dealing with insurance in trying to make the referral appointments my doctor gave me. I have PPO now, so I technically don't need a referral but I needed to check they were in my network and such. And not knowing how to go about with insurance on that, well, I dragged my feet for awhile.

Those appointments are set now, so...

Then, well, there was the matter of never actually working out...at least not since 10th grade and well, we didn't exactly use machines back then. So I didn't really want to go by myself because I have no clue where to start and how to use the machines...or what I should even do. A friend offered to get me a guest pass on her membership so we could go together. I asked if a certain week worked with her schedule; she said yes, but she had to double check whether or not her membership had lapsed. She didn't get back to me and I didn't follow-up. Other things came up with her, so I didn't mention it again.

And finally, I knew I couldn't wait any longer; the first month of the 3-month goal was quickly ending and I had a 1-month follow-up coming up with my doctor...so I went online and requested a 3-day guest pass. That was last week. I had an event on Wednesday and since the gym is by work, it didn't make sense to start a 3-day pass on Thursday as I wasn't going to go all the way to the westside on a Saturday for the 3rd day.

See, I told you I was very good at making excuses.

Today was the big day and boy was I dreading it. Last night I went over some questions with another friend and she was very supportive and encouraging. I got a bag ready last night with gym clothes and such. Last week I even bought a new pair of sneakers (same ones I already had and were very comfortable).

I left for work this morning with my bag and every intention of going to the gym after work. As each hour passed, I was filled with dread and my heart was pounding in my chest. I go in early on Monday's so technically I'm supposed to get out of work earlier. Today was a bit heavier so I may have not been in a rush to leave. As the minutes ticked by though, at the end of the day and I knew I couldn't dawdle anymore, that's when the dread I felt all day turned into panic and the tears started rolling down my face.

I was terrified.

It wasn't about not knowing how to use the machines or what to do,

It was coming to terms with the emotional impact of being fat all my life.

I've never cared what others thought about me. At least not on the surface. I feel the judgment from strangers and family. And I've used it to build a wall and used my fat as a protective shield. Whenever my mom would attempt to talk to me about dieting or exercising; I just got fatter.

I've never wanted to be thin thin. I've just sometimes thought it would be nice to be a size 2X instead of 4X or 5X; better clothing options.

But the more I've been rejected by people for being fat, whether by the opposite sex or my own family (it's very hard to feel like your mother would actually love you if you lost weight), instead of it motivating me to lose weight, I've sunk my heels in and said, "Fuck 'em!"

So fat I am. Fat I have always been.

I'm sleeping with someone that doesn't seem to care that I'm fat. He's never shied away from taking off all my clothes. We're always completely naked together. He even requests photos of me naked - not just my boobs or butt, completely naked. I had a really hard time the first time he asked for them. Seeing my naked in person is one thing, having an actual image of it is different. But he forced me to face it and work through it. It excites him. I see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch.

We've been together for over 2 years and he's never said anything about my weight. I worry about being on top and he doesn't care. He flips me, pulls me, spreads me open, holds onto me and touches me with a passion I'd never felt and with absolutely no judgment.

The insecurities I buried deep down, spilled onto the surface as I walked from work to the gym today and I completely broke down in tears. All I wanted was to go home and remain fat; stay in my fat bubble where I'm safe. Because it's one thing to feel like you were rejected for being fat; and a completely different thing, a much worse feeling to know.

I didn't have to change into the gym clothes I took with me. I spent the time at the gym with the sales guy going over why I was there and what my goals were; he gave me a tour of the gym and got me all signed up with a membership and an appointment for a personal assessment, where I'm sure it will be drilled into me how much I need a trainer for a boatload of money.

At least I get a reprieve for another day or two.

Taking a hit

As I mentioned before, life has been rough and I'm trying to get back on track. I've lost focus again and my confidence and self-worth are taking a hit again. F says it's not personal, just business; but when you've put so much of yourself into something, how do you not make it personal?

In April it will be two years.

I have been with F for almost two years.

It hasn't been easy. We've had our rough patches...many rough patches. We've worked through them, mostly because I refuse to give up, but we've worked through them.

I still can't believe it's been almost two years. Heck, he didn't think we'd make it past 6 months. But here we are and we're even talking about moving in together.

Today, an ex co-worker announced his engagement on FB. Well, his fiancee did. Back in December, they changed their status to "in a relationship" on FB. Not exactly sure how long they were dating before the official FB status change, though.

Last November, my high school friend N and his girlfriend got engaged. I met her in July and don't think I had heard of her prior to that, so I'm sure how long they've actually been together. But I don't think she came into the picture before June.

So today with the engagement announcement of my ex co-worker, I started thinking about relationships. How soon is too soon? How fast is too fast? Or how slow is too slow?

I've been with F for almost two years and we are just now talking about moving in together. To me that is HUGE. Living with a boy, oh my! (It's totally not the same as having a brother or living in coed dorms/houses in college.)

I can safely say I'd be happy to spend the rest of my life with F, but I don't exactly know if I need to be married to him to do so. It's funny though, because if we go back just four years, two years before F, I was ready to marry MH and we weren't together very long. Sure, we'd known each other for a few years, but we hadn't even been intimate and I was ready to move cross country and marry him. Considering everything that happened, that may not have worked out, but we'll never really know.

So, why, now that I've been with F for almost two years and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him...I do love him...why is the thought of marriage not even in my brain? Is it just because I know he doesn't want to get married? Or have my views on relationships just changed?

F was pretty clear on his thoughts on marriage and kids in the beginning. He didn't want babies. He didn't want to get married. And I was OK with that. (I know, I know, hard to believe since I've always wanted kids, but honestly, the older I've gotten the less I want kids.) But every now and then, he says something that makes me pause and I wonder if I heard him correctly. Sometimes he alludes to marriage and kids. Sometimes. OK, maybe just once or twice, but for a man that flatly stated he didn't want any of that, once or twice is a big deal.

F's protective walls were higher and thicker than mine, so the fact that we're even talking about moving in together is a big coup. I don't know how soon is too soon or how fast is too fast or how slow is too slow. What I do know is that I'm happy to take this next step with F and see where it leads.

Chaos

It's been awhile, huh?

I'm going to try to get back into blogging. Let's see how it goes....

I downloaded the Blogger app to my phone and had to connect it to one of my Gmail addresses since Blogger is now a part of Google. That's annoying. Not exactly sure how it's going to show up on the posts, so if it doesn't say faded_girl as the postee, poster, whatevs, don't worry, it is me.

So why now? Why am I trying to blog again?

Life is chaotic right now and I need an outlet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The start of 2015 looked like things were picking up for me and I actually thought it was going to be a good year. But then I was laid off from work and it seemed like everything that could go wrong, did. And now I just find myself struggling. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook. I actually did think things were starting to turn around for me again....I hope they will, but I honestly don't know. Like I said, I'm struggling.

may i feel said he by e.e. cummings

may i feel said he (i'll squeal said she just once said he) it's fun said she

(may i touch said he how much said she a lot said he) why not said she

(let's go said he not too far said she what's too far said he where you are said she)

may i stay said he (which way said she like this said he if you kiss said she

may i move said he is it love said she) if you're willing said he (but you're killing said she

but it's life said he but your wife said she now said he) ow said she

(tiptop said he don't stop said she oh no said he) go slow said she

(cccome? said he ummm said she) you're divine! said he (you are Mine said she)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

new favorite poem.

i'm sleeping with f. it only took 10 years for us to get here.

Getting easier

I'm not pregnant. Can't deny I'm not disappointed...

Turns out he does have a girlfriend so maybe his awkwardness and avoiding me had more to do with his own guilt than me. Who knows....

I do feel a little guilty now too, but how was I supposed to know he had a girlfriend? Oh well.

At least I'm not pregnant. Then it would be really bad.

Why is it every time I have sex I end up thinking I'm pregnant? I guess since I have always to be a mom, I always hope I end up getting pregnant. Texas boy is coming next month, or maybe the following month - he hasn't decided yet - but I'm not going to end up worrying about whether or not I end up pregnant.

Yesterday, I had a day out with my soon-to-be-cousin-in-law. Heck, I already refer to her as my cousin. Only a few people knew about my relationship and what I went through for 8 months, and even with those few that knew, I didn't really like to talk about it. Telling her, briefly, about it felt good. It was all a part of letting go, getting it off my chest and I wasn't sobbing. My eyes teared up, but it was easier to talk about it. I also told her about my Vegas tryst and we both agreed I need to be less picky and get more experience.

I've been "sexually active" for 10 years and I've only really been with 3 guys. Vegas guy made 3. And I only did it multiple times with the first one. Numbers 2 & 3 were all just one-time. So that's why I'm not as confident in bed; why I have no idea what I'm doing. So yes, I need to get those numbers up. ;)

I leave you with a picture of me and Vegas guy from that night. He doesn't know I have it. This was at the club before we had sex. I believe we had already started feeling each other up by this point so we were well aware it was going to happen.

Um, so the dates just hit me and I remembered that I ovulate at the beginning of the month...and well...I had sex at the beginning of the month....

<shakes head>

I'm just going crazy...it doesn't mean anything...

Over

The other day I noticed his FB page was back up. I couldn't believe it. It only took me a few minutes to request him as a friend and message him. By the next day I was a wreck because he hadn't added me nor had he responded to my message. I was about ready to give up and just delete him completely; cancel my request and delete every single photo he was tagged in of mine. And then it happened, he accepted me and messaged me back.

For an instant, for a few hours, I was deliriously happy. He was back. He still loved me, so he said.

But the next day, that was all gone. He wasn't ready for me. He had been terrified and didn't know what to do when my message had popped up.

I'm terrified too, but as the last 8 months have been, it's never been about me. It's been about him and his recovery and he's not ready to deal with me and my feelings.

So I have to let him go.

I realized that our entire relationship has been me chasing him. I can't keep forcing myself on him. He's not ready. And I can't keep waiting for him. It's been 8 months, how much longer do I need to wait for him to be ready? My life has already been on hold for too long.

So tonight I messaged him. I'm giving him what he needs. I know he's OK and I can get a hold of him if I need to, but I can't keep waiting. I can't pretend like the last 8 months didn't happen. I can't keep hiding my feelings. So I'm letting go. I'm moving on. When he's ready and if he still wants me, then he can chase me for once.

In returning to the theme of movies ruining me, all I keep seeing in my head is "Circle of Friends" when Jack has to win Benny back after he cheated on her with Nan. Maybe one day he'll truly come back and win me, but I can't keep holding on to that. It's time to let go.

Casual sex

It's been 8 months and I knew I had to let him go. I wanted to feel wanted, desired, so I went to Vegas last week for my conference with the intention of getting laid. Isn't that what they say, "the best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one?" And let's face it, I hadn't had sex in four years, yes, four years...that's a friggin' looooooooooooooooooooong time! I was way overdue.

Have you picked up on my use of past-tense?

I don't know how, but I did in fact have sex in Vegas. With a guy. A guy 10 years younger than me.

Oh snap.

He was there for the same conference and really cute. We both may have had a little too much to drink; he more than me. And I may have made it seem like it was all his idea even though I knew what I was doing. It started slowly...a comment here, a touch there. I knew what I wanted, but I don't know how it actually started.

We had been with a large group from the conference, drinking and having a good time. As midnight approached, people started heading out, back to the hotel. A group of 5 (3 guys, 2 girls) of us decided to go to a club at the MGM so we headed out, walking down the strip and stopping at Walgreens for liquor. He was loud as we waited in line to pay. As we walked down the strip, there were moments he'd start to pout because the other girl was paying attention to the other guy (the 3rd guy is married so he wasn't a part of the equation). I used that to my advantage, pulling him along. He'd rub up against me or stand very close to me.

As we briefly waited to get inside the club, something changed and I kinda felt I had him. He stood so close to me. Once inside, we got more drinks. I wanted to dance. The others went to walk around the club and we stayed behind with her purse. He was sitting on the ledge and I was just innocently standing in front of him, my back to him, moving a little to the music. His hands were on my waist, going up and down my arms, trying to get to my breasts. My hands were to my side, running along his legs. Then one hand was in his hand and he was guiding it to his crotch. First over his pants, then inside his pants and he was pressing himself against me.

The others returned but we didn't move. My hands just came back into view. Well, one of them did. After a few minutes it was time to go. We left the other three at the club and went back to his room. He held my hand as he led me out the club and through the casino towards the cabs. When we got in the cab, he was handsy while I kept up small talk with the driver.

I was so turned on. I wanted him so much. I wanted it so much. Being a big girl (and going so long without sex), I forgot how lithe my body could be during sex. Yes, even my body. We started out in the bathroom and then his bed.

While we were having sex, nothing else mattered. We kissed. My hands ran across his body. It felt so good.

Two hours later, I was walking through the casino back to my room on the other side of the hotel, when I ran into the other three. I'm not sure if they realized the time difference. Well, I'm not sure if the guys noticed. I know she didn't because she mentioned to someone else that I had left with him because he was too drunk and that they left only minutes after we did, when in fact it was at least 2 hours.

The next day I was tired, but good. (It had also been 4 years so it was like having sex for the first time (again! since I always seem to go a long time between sex) and I was sore down there for a couple of days.) I was slightly embarrassed because we had woken up his roommate, but also because I'm 35 (what's a few more months) and I don't have a lot of experience. I'm a big girl so I've never really been on top and I don't really know what to do and I couldn't reach very well to adjust, so we had to change positions.

So I'm embarrassed about that and because I've never really done that. He's only the fourth guy I've been with (only the 3rd one to actually have intercourse with). The other three guys I knew for a long time (comparatively) before anything happened with them. I mean, it was 3 years before I actually slept with Texas-boy (formerly Boston-boy).

But I'm feeling good and hoping that maybe we'll get to do it again.

Wrong. He couldn't even look at me the next day. He asked that we not talk about it. He even deleted the photo of us at the club from his phone. He pretended like he never took a picture. Luckily, one of the other guys did and he sent me the picture. ;)

It wasn't just that he couldn't look at me, he avoided me for the rest of the conference. He was fine around other people, but if I was near, he tensed up. And he couldn't look at me.

I think that's what hurt the most. It was like he was repulsed by the sight of me. He was friendly and touchy with everyone else, even my two companions, but when he couldn't avoid me, he was stiff and quiet with me. Maybe he was embarrassed too. I don't know. On the last night he told me he had a girlfriend. Oh really? Is that why he was hitting on so many girls? Is that why he was taking pics with random girls and hitting on them right in front of me?

I don't know what he thought I thought, but it's not like I wanted to carry on a long distance relationship with him. It's not like I didn't see it for what it was. He's 25 and I'm 35! All I wanted was to have sex. I just wanted us to have sex again before I came back to the real world. I just wanted him to help me feel again.

In the end, he did make me feel again; he made me feel worse about myself.

My only happiness