My Sweet Gaby

She would have been 23 years old today.

I still can't believe she's gone. She's been gone for four years. I will never see her walk down the aisle or give birth.

I miss you Gaby.

You will always be with me. I will always love you, my sweet sweet Gaby.

Love Born from Friendship

That is the love I’ve always believed in. Not so much love at first sight, though I do believe you instantly know upon meeting or seeing someone whether there’s the potential for something more. But a true, everlasting love, I believe is born from friendship.

The other day I watched the Anne Hathaway movie, “One Day.” It is about two people that meet and almost sleep together, but end up being best friends. For the next 20 years, we see how they spend the anniversary of their meeting. Every year on July 15th (the day they met and spent together), they make a point to connect; whether it’s helping the other move into a new apartment or just a chat on the phone. We see their lives progress or stand still, significant others come in and out of the picture, their friendship has its ups and downs, but what remains clear is that they mean a great deal to each other, but the timing has always been off. They need to grow apart in order to grow back together.

I won’t spoil the ending for you, but it was brutal. When the movie was over, I sobbed for at least 10 minutes. I think it was actually longer.

All these thoughts about love and relationships have already been floating in my head and this movie just pushed me over the edge. I dug deep within myself and all I could see was Reese Witherspoon telling Patrick Dempsey, “I gave my heart away a long time ago and I never really got it back.” (Yes, that’s from “Sweet Home Alabama;” further proof that movies and books have ruined me.)

It’s true.

I gave my heart away and I never got it back.

I never saw it coming. Probably too involved in my various other crushes to notice he had snuck into my heart. I was completely in love by the time I even realized I liked him more than just a friend. Others saw it before I did. He was my best friend. And when he started to pull away, that’s when I knew just how much I loved him.

When my heart was broken, I kept telling myself that we were meant to be. The signs were there. How could he not see them? They pointed to our being together. He was my soul mate. The strength I needed. The laughter when I thought all hope was gone. He was always there, so I never understood why he didn’t love me.

We grew apart.

We’ve grown apart.

Still in each other’s lives, but not really a part of them.

I look at him and think I don’t know him. Not like I used to. He’s not the boy I knew and loved.

I don’t think he knows me anymore. And I know I’m not the girl he knew. I stopped being her a long time ago.

So the question remains. Do I still think we’re meant to be together? Is that why I’ve closed myself off and don’t let anyone in? Do I believe he will wake up one day and realize he loves me, always has and finally, we will be together?

Or do I just live in a fantasy land?

It’s been 16 years. It’s time to let go. To let him go.

Maybe in another life, the boy and girl will finally connect.

But it’s clear, it’s not this life.

Damaged

My obsession with The Hunger Games trilogy has me thinking a lot about my past relationships, my past loves and any possibility of future love. It's a well known fact that I've been ruined by books and movies in terms of my expectations of men and love. Will I ever find my Mr. Darcy? My Laurie? My Noah? And now, we add Peeta and Gale to the list...

Of course, it would also mean that I'd have to be their Elizabeth, Jo, Allie or Katniss.

My thoughts are jumbled, thinking about past loves and wondering if any ever really meant anything and if it still means something. Have I just completely closed myself off and if so, why?

It's hit me like a ton of bricks that I've only ever been in love once and it was such a pure and innocent love...a love with no passion or heat, can it even count? I never felt his touch, his warmth against my skin bringing me to life. And yet, I realize that to this day I cannot let go. I cannot let go of him. I am not in love with him anymore, but still, he remains. A constant reminder of the girl I once was, the girl he never loved. And maybe that's why. Maybe that's why I cannot let go. The pain so big I can never bring myself to really let anyone in. To open myself up. To open my heart to someone else, to the possibility.

16 years later

The Hunger Games

Every now and then a book comes along that digs deep into your soul and becomes a part of you. The characters and their world live vividly in your mind and heart. You can see them as clearly as if they were standing in front of you and feel everything they feel. Their world is yours and your world is theirs. For me, those books have included Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, Circle of Friends by Maeve Binchy, She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb...and now, The Hunger Games trilogy (The Hunger Games, Catching Fire and Mockingjay) by Suzanne Collins.

There's no point denying I had no interest whatsoever in reading these books. I tend to by anti-hype. I've never read or watched the Harry Potter books or movies (except for one and that's only because my co-worker begged me to go with her on opening day since no one wanted to go with her). And I'm not about to read the Twilight books. Unfortunately, I've had to sit through the movies because of friends or my niece. (How can I say no to my niece? I can't.) None of it has been able to pull me in.

And for me, The Hunger Games was just another teen book series surrounded by too much hype and I wasn't going to touch it. That is, until the thing I've always wanted happened.

I've always wanted to do a book club. I had joined one on meetup.com, but the discussion meetings were always inconvenient for me. I only ever made it to one discussion for The Lovely Bones. So when MG asked if I wanted to participate in the book club she and some other friends were forming, I said yes. Then she told me the first book was The Hunger Games and as if she already knew what I would say or do, she handed me her copy because she had also downloaded it on her Kindle. Ugh, great, I thought.

After a day, I gave in and figured I might as well get it over with. Plus, I figured it could help with work since I had to promote the movie on my company's FB page and I had already found myself Google-ing little things here and there for related posts. At first, I was only reading it while on the bus. It held my attention; it was an easy read, but then it made me cry. And I knew then I was a goner. I was three-quarters through the book when I knew I had to read the second book.

It hadn't pulled me completely in yet, though. Yes, I wanted to know what happened next, but it was still three days after finishing the first one that I finally gave in and bought Catching Fire at Barnes & Noble. I should have bought the 3rd book too.

Catching Fire engulfed me completely. I stayed up all night reading it. I finished it at 5:30am and only slept for 2 hours before I got up and went to work. I don't know how I survived work that day. I never thought I would finish that quickly. I knew I shouldn't go buy the last book even though all day at work I was consumed with knowing what happens. I questioned my co-worker, but he was reluctant to tell me, wanting me to find out for myself, but warning me against getting the 3rd book that night since I hadn't slept the night before.

But MG text me and said she'd pick me up from work and we could go get the last book, so I started reading Mockingjay at 7pm Thursday night and finished it at 2:30am.

And Friday night I started re-reading them again. First, going back and re-reading favorite chapters and passages. Sitting in the living room or laying on my bed crying as I re-read them. And then I picked up the first book and started reading again from the beginning. Slowly this time. Taking my time and re-living every word. The exhaustion from the previous nights took over though and I went to bed at a reasonable hour.

So, for the last two weeks my life has been consumed by The Hunger Games. My co-worker shakes his head at my obsession.

I can't explain it, but these books have affected me in such a way. And not because of MG's observation that their world is eerily possible. I've re-read them and particular passages have been re-read numerous times, but even so, there's a familiarity to them. The first time I read them, I felt like I knew those words, the images brought to life in my mind were not new to me. Almost like deja vu, but deeper. The characters, the story; I could see them in a past dream. I can see them so vividly. They've been with me a long time. Maybe I read these books in a past life...I don't know the answer.

All I know is that it's the first time in a very long time that I've been affected this way. It's made me reflect on my life and past loves.

Heed my warning, buy all three books at once and be ready to be consumed. They may not affect you the same way, but you won't be able to put them down.

Thursday, March 22, 2012
P.S. Catching Fire is my favorite of the series. I can read it over and over again.

I found her (finally!)

I've spent the last fifteen or so years looking for a long lost friend from high school. She's never been out of my thoughts for long; her birthday is still in my planner and every couple of years, I've gone into active search mode. I've gone through the phone book and called everyone with her name in the area. I've called everyone with his name in the phonebook. In 2010, in one of my last searches, I thought I had found him on classmates.com. I messaged him and hoped it was him. Two years later, I received a message back from him.

He messaged me on classmates on the 8th and on the 9th, I received an e-mail notification on my e-mail address that I had a message. The notification had gone into my spam box and I wasn't even going to open it, just delete it. I thought, "who's going to message me on classmates?" Most likely someone I didn't know or even care to reconnect with. Let's face it, most people I'm already in touch with on Facebook if they don't have my personal e-mail address. I'm even surprised I still have classmates. I finally deleted my MySpace profile the other week.

I don't know what it was, but something told me I might as well check to see who messaged me.

Thank goodness I did.

In my message to him, I had given him one of my personal e-mail addresses, along with my cell. He wasn't sure if my information was current, so he messaged me with his personal e-mail address. I immediately wrote back and used it to look him up on fb and there he was, and there she was.

Finally.

I finally found her.

I immediately requested them on fb and then messaged her on there and then I waited.

She messaged me back a few days ago with her cell phone number and on Friday, we finally spoke.

She sounded exactly the same.

We were on the phone until 4am; seven hours. I don't think either of us wanted to hang up.

It was great to talk to her. We talked about everything. We had 15 years of catching up, but it was like no time had passed between us. She was she and I was me. We were both so open and frank, not keeping anything to ourselves.

Even after all these years, I still feel a strong connection with her. Even if she couldn't remember my last name. ;)

I can't wait to see her!

Trouble sleeping

It's 1am, why am I still awake?

It's been like that all week. Can't sleep. Staying up til 2 or 3 am and then getting very little sleep so I'm tired all day at work. I keep telling myself I'm going to go to sleep early, but then, before I know it, it's already 1am and I'm on the computer, finally getting to all the things I'm supposed to work on.

Once I finally do go to bed, it's not a good night's rest. I'm not sleeping well and I don't know why.

Lady Chatterley's Lover

It took me two weeks to read Lady Chatterley's Lover by DH Lawrence. A week and half of that was the first 50-75 pages. Boring. Very wordy. Or as my co-worker said, "verbose." He read three books, including Lady Chatterley's Lover, in the time I read the one book.

Once the affair started, well, that's when it got good. ;)

As much as I enjoyed reading all the sexual parts, what I didn't care for was Lawrence's ultimate portrayal of women. In the beginning, she's independent, intelligent; her own woman. Once she sexually connects with her lover and thus really falls in love, she becomes clingy and whiny. She constantly asks him to kiss her, to tell her he loves her. She clings to him and doesn't want him to leave her.

In the book, he's been hurt in the past and has closed himself off to women; doesn't want anything to do with them. Yet, there's something about Lady Chatterley that draws him in. And even though he starts to withdraw from her when she gets clingy and whiny, ultimately their sexual connection is too strong for him to fight against and he succumbs to her. He continues to remain distant, though, aloof almost, and you don't really believe he loves her until the end when he writes to her when they're apart.

Like Ginnifer Goodwin's character, Gigi, in "He's Just Not That Into You," says at the beginning of the movie, females are trained from an early age to fall for the jerks, the ones that pull your hair and call you names on the playground. We're told they do that because they "like" us. So we spend our entire lives going after the wrong guys; we fall for the jerks.

And Lady Chatterley's Lover even reinforces that sentiment, to a degree. He's distant, emotionally closed off, seems to mock her in their first meetings and as I mentioned, you don't really believe he loves her. The only difference is their sexual connection. Within it, they achieve true intimacy. Her total submission to him and enjoyment draws him into her. He desires her. He loves her.

And while I detest that she becomes clingy and whiny, the female I fear deep down inside of becoming, I love that he depicts how important sex is to truly connect with someone and how through that connection, you really live.

So long 2011, Welcome 2012!

First post of 2012 - yay!


Sorry it's already 2 weeks in. I've been meaning to write, but then I get distracted or occupied with something else. 


To say I'm glad 2011 is over is an understatement. It was a hellish year. There were a few good things (Tiny's wedding and getting to see old college friends), but overall, I'm happy to put 2011 behind me and look to 2012 for bigger and better things. :)


I spent New Year's Eve at home with the family playing Monopoly. It was the first time my brother's girlfriend played, not only with us, but ever, so she got to see what a big fat cheater he is and sore loser.


On New Year's Day, I went with Uni & Ro to Universal Studios for the day. I'd never been and with the purchase of one days admission, I got an annual pass so I can go back anytime I want (some blackout dates). Thanks Uni & Ro! They already had annual passes and they generously bought mine even though I told them it wasn't necessary. We had a good time. We didn't hit every ride; just took our time moving through the park, talking and eating. We have a whole year to go back and see everything.

Last year we went to Disneyland on New Year's Day, so we think it would be fun to hit different amusement parks every New Year's Day. You know, start a little tradition. :)  I'm hoping we can also hit Sea World in SD. I've never been either, so that would be cool.


The new year has brought a new niece. This time from one of my male cousins. Actually, it's the first male cousin to have kids. :)  Say hello to Summer Rylie!  (Yup, that's how they spelled her middle name.)

On Christmas Day, my cousin (finally!) proposed to his girlfriend. (They're celebrating their 7th anniversary this weekend.) Unfortunately, no wedding this year. She wants plenty of time to plan. They've set the date for next August. I really tried to get her to get married on my birthday since it's on a Saturday next year and that way, I don't have to worry about my birthday. I think that's why my 30th was so great, because my friend got married that day and took focus off my big 30th. ;)

To my great dismay, I realized that I only read 2 books last year. ack! And I only read double that in 2010. Bad faded_girl, bad! So while I'm not big on making New Year's Resolutions, I did resolve to read more this year. I'm happy to report that I've already read four books; three of them in this week alone. My boss gave me an Amazon gift card for Christmas, so I bought a bunch of dvd's I wanted that were on sale and then I went and bought a bunch of books too, even though I already have a crapload of books I still haven't read. I figured an infusion of new chick lit books would help me get back into the swing of things and then I could start in on the books I already have.

A great motivator is also my co-worker. Last year was the second year, I think, that he read a total of 50 books during the year and he made it a goal to do that again this year. I still say his goal should be 52, one a week, but he ignores me. The first week of January, he was gloating that he had already finished his first book of the new year, so I hauled ass to finish "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies."

I say "hauled ass" because I wasn't very into the book. I love "Pride and Prejudice," everyone knows that, and I figured there would be some changes to some parts with the insertion of the zombies. What I didn't expect was for the author to take certain liberties that I didn't agree with, specifically dealing with Elizabeth and Charlotte. I was grateful that he didn't change the last couple of chapters too much, the story stayed intact and the zombies were only a side note.

After that I read three of my chick lit books easily while my co-worker read his second book. He makes fun of me for my chick lit books and tells me I'm allowed to gloat when I read a "real" book. When I finished my third book he said it wasn't a competition because we're not reading the same books, so we agreed to read "Lady Chatterley's Lover" together. He's finished his second book and I finished my fourth book, so we're starting our "real" book this weekend. I have to get started tomorrow. Like I said, our back and forth teasing and egging each other on is a great motivator. ;)

I leave you now with some photos from the last three months of 2011.

Tiny's Bachelorette Dinner with the Carleton girls.

On the Golden Gate Bridge

The Carleton Wedding Photo

My Girls at Thanksgiving

Variety's Santa Walk

Christmas Eve

Last Dinner with Friends of 2011

Away...

Monday, October 10, 2011 5:00PM

You better be OK because you have me all kinds of worried. So much so that I e-mailed your mother on FB. I'm hoping you lost or broke your phone and that's why your calls go straight to voice mail. Please, one little sign of life...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011 10:42AM

Are you OK? What's going on?? I AM FREAKING OUT SO JUST REPLY WITH ONE WORD SO I KNOW YOU'RE OKAY!!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011 9:47PM

My mind has gone from sheer panic that something has happened to you to concern. I am pretty sure that you are physically OK, but I am worried. I'm perplexed, don't understand what's going on; heck, I don't even know what's going on. I know your FB page is gone (or you've blocked me) and your cell number is no longer in service. And no one seems to want to answer my e-mails asking if you were OK. Whatever is going on, please know that I am here if you want to talk, yell & vent, anything you need, I am here

Wednesday, October 12, 2011 2:45PM

Please. I'm a worrywart to begin with and not hearing from you and not knowing if you're OK is killing me. I hold onto the fact that only you could disable your Facebook profile as a sign that you're OK, but deep down I know you're not. Please, let me be selfish, ease my worry and tell me what's going on. Think of me and let me do whatever I can to help. Please.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011 7:31PM

I came to check on you. I have no idea if you're even home or in LA, but I couldn't sit around waiting. I had to at least try. Please call.

Thursday, October 13, 2011 7:41PM

Nothing makes sense. I don't know where you are or what's going on. I don't understand why no one will tell me. How long am I supposed to go on without hearing from you or seeing you? I don't even know if you're getting these e-mails, but e-mailing you is the only thing I can think of doing to stay connected, to let you know that you're not alone, that someone is here for you. I cling to little things as signs that you're OK, that maybe you just need time. They don't make sense, but they're all I have. I don't want to think about the alternative. The alternative makes even less sense to me. I just want to know. I need to know that you're OK. Or that you're not OK. I just need to know something because this not knowing is killing me. It's tearing me up inside and it hurts too much. I know it's completely selfish, but I don't care; at least then I'd know and I'd know what to do to help. Please, I'm begging you, please come back, please call me.

Friday, October 14, 2011 9:08PM

Don't think I forgot about you. It's been a long day and it's not even close to being over. I have the Halloween Carnival tomorrow so I'm trying to get everything done. I thought focusing on that would help, but I was wrong. I think about you and the boys not being there and my heart aches. I really don't know how I'm even functioning because I can't stop thinking about you. My mind comes up with all these different scenarios and I get all worked up. My mind always gets ahead of me and not in a good way. Where are you? How are you? What's going on? These are simple questions with no answers. I wish someone would tell me. I wish you would tell me. I wish you would walk through the gate and across the field. All I can do is keep praying that my wishes come true.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011 5:55PM

I've been told by a credible source that you are back east with your parents and that you are not physically ill or hurt. But I still don't know or understand what's going on and while I am still worried about you, I am no longer panicking that you're dead in a ditch or in a hospital. Yes, my mind went there. I told you, my worry gets out of control and goes to all sorts of extremes. Don't think that just because I know where you are and that you're not physically hurt it means I don't want to hear from you. Because I DO! I'm here. Don't ever forget that. Whatever you need, I am here.

I e-mail him every day, hoping one day he will respond....