Broken

The days have turned into weeks and the weeks into months and I can't let him go. Suddenly the tears come and I can't breathe. Little things remind me of him, things we were supposed to do together and never will.

It won't stop hurting. I'm stuck in this endless roller coaster of emotions. I hate him for doing this to me. For making promises and breaking them. I've never opened up with anyone the way I did with him. I told him things I've never shared with anyone; truths about me I've kept hidden, the root of so many insecurities, and he made me feel like it was OK. He said he loved me. He said he wanted to marry me.

And now he's gone and I don't know why. And my brain knows I need to let him go, but my heart won't listen. I keep waiting, hoping for him to come back to me. There are days I imagine he'll be here when I come home from work. He'll be waiting outside my house for me and when I come home and he's not here, I die a little more inside.

I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I don't know how to let him go, how to move on without him. I'm not just heartbroken, I am broken. I'm just going through the motions of my life and can't find anything to care about.

He's gone and I need to move on, to let him go and try to fix all that's broken.

“Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over.”

~~ Nicole Sobon, Program 13

Dazzle

Dazzle me he said
Blow my mind
Open my eyes
Let me see inside
Show me who you are

Dazzle me she said
Take my hand
Guide me through
Ease my pain
Make me feel whole again

Show me the light
Heal my wounds
Make me warm
Bring me back to life

My mother asked me if I was pregnant because she noticed I've gotten bigger. At least I seem to be having sex in her imagination or nightmares...

Letters

I am torn between being happy that my letters to him have not been returned and being sad because I have not received a single letter in return.

I have written him daily since his mom gave me his contact information in mid-November. I have sent him letters, cards, photos...all telling him how proud I am of him, how much I love and support him and how I will wait for him.

If you have ever received a letter from me, then you know my letters can be pretty long. I am a writer, after all. He says he is not a writer, but if you read his e-mails to me, you would disagree. However, I do know he has a hard time opening up so I realize and accept that he may not write to me like I write to him. But I had hoped to receive a response from him by now. Even just a few lines acknowledging my letters.

I am at a loss over what to do. Do I keep writing? Do I just wait?

So much is in his hands.

My heart has hope. It has faith in our love.

But my mind, my mind questions everything. Why hasn't he written? Why hasn't he tried to contact me at all? Was it all a lie? Why would he do this to me?

I really truly want to side with my heart. To have faith in him, in us, in our love and be patient with him. I want what is best for him. I want him to be happy and healthy, no matter how long it takes.

But don't I deserve something to hold on to? A few lines reaffirming his love and commitment? A few lines on how much he misses me?

I just want to know what I am supposed to do.

Internet en la casa

I have internet at home again. YAY!!

I finally caved in and resubscribed, but only because I didn't need to get a house phone to do it. :D

Of course, it wasn't as easy as I hoped since they kept sending out stupid techs, but they finally sent one that actually knew what he was doing. I think they sensed on my last call that I was on the verge of saying FU and cancelling everything. I was so grateful with the last tech I would have done him right then and there if it hadn't been that time of the month.

Now I'm on my laptop even more and my iTouch. I'm fighting with my mother more over the use of my iTouch since she's addicted to the Butterfly version of Bejeweled. Why did I ever show her that game??? She won't even use my sister's iTouch because it doesn't have the buttlerfly game.

I've re-signed up for Netflix (but used a different e-mail address to get the month free trial) instant video, but I'm kinda disappointed it. It has a lot of tv shows, but not a lot of movies I actually want to see. :(

Turns out with my Amazon Prime, I also get Amazon instant video for free on some movies. Sadly, they're almost the exact same ones as Netflix. :(

I've been on an iTunes frenzy...apps and music. Gotta watch that too.

And I am finally updating my Flckr. It had been a long time since I really uploaded photos instead of just randomly here and there.

And yet, life seems so blah lately. I gotta get myself out of this. It doesn't do him any good for me to be like this and it definitely doesn't do me any good. I have to focus on the hope and love. I have a year to get ready and there's lots to do.

Back in the Day Family Photos

Back in the Day Family, a set on Flickr.

I was inspired from a conversation last night at Thanksgiving dinner with the family, so I went through my archives and uploaded a bunch of family photos from back in the day. This is, of course, not all the photos I have.

Plus, I need to re-scan some from my grandmothers albums and there are still two families I need to hit up for older albums.

Happy Birthday my love

I am so proud of you.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I carry you with me every single day; willing you to come back to me. Thoughts of you - your face, your voice - flit through my mind throughout the day. I close my eyes and can see you; imagine how the touch of your fingers feel against my skin, the feel of your lips on mine.

I close my eyes and I can feel your arms around me, engulfing me in your warmth and love. I close my eyes and you are here.

I long for the day when I can speak to you again...when I can see you again.

I promise to remain strong. To remain faithful to you, to our love.

Missing him

I am currently reading a book in which the main character's husband is killed by a drunk driver at the beginning so the book is all about her grief process. It doesn't make sense and it's not the same thing; I feel stupid even thinking this, but as I read I can relate to some of the things she is going through and feels and I feel like I am grieving for the loss of him.

If he had died or if we had "broken" up, it would be easier.

Instead I'm stuck in limbo hell without any sense of what's going on or what's going to happen.

I know it's completely irrational, but yet I am angry, sad, heartbroken and completely lost. I feel abandoned; left-behind. Promises broken. Dreams shattered. Life at a standstill.

I know that in the long run, it will be better for us, but right now, right now all I want is him here with me...I want to be with him...I want to hear his voice...I want to hear him say he loves me. I just want to know he's OK...that we're OK.

It's been two months. For the last two months I have not heard from him or about him. I don't know where he is, when I'll hear from him. Nothing. And it's killing me.

I am so selfish. Why couldn't he wait two weeks? Why couldn't he wait until we saw each other? until we were together?

I want him here. I need him. I love him and my life in incomplete without him.



Please come back. Please come back to me soon.

Pitch Perfect - The Rif-Off

Watched the movie on Friday. Ordered the soundtrack when I got home. Received it today at work. Had it on repeat all day long.