Um, so the dates just hit me and I remembered that I ovulate at the beginning of the month...and well...I had sex at the beginning of the month....

<shakes head>

I'm just going crazy...it doesn't mean anything...

Over

The other day I noticed his FB page was back up. I couldn't believe it. It only took me a few minutes to request him as a friend and message him. By the next day I was a wreck because he hadn't added me nor had he responded to my message. I was about ready to give up and just delete him completely; cancel my request and delete every single photo he was tagged in of mine. And then it happened, he accepted me and messaged me back.

For an instant, for a few hours, I was deliriously happy. He was back. He still loved me, so he said.

But the next day, that was all gone. He wasn't ready for me. He had been terrified and didn't know what to do when my message had popped up.

I'm terrified too, but as the last 8 months have been, it's never been about me. It's been about him and his recovery and he's not ready to deal with me and my feelings.

So I have to let him go.

I realized that our entire relationship has been me chasing him. I can't keep forcing myself on him. He's not ready. And I can't keep waiting for him. It's been 8 months, how much longer do I need to wait for him to be ready? My life has already been on hold for too long.

So tonight I messaged him. I'm giving him what he needs. I know he's OK and I can get a hold of him if I need to, but I can't keep waiting. I can't pretend like the last 8 months didn't happen. I can't keep hiding my feelings. So I'm letting go. I'm moving on. When he's ready and if he still wants me, then he can chase me for once.

In returning to the theme of movies ruining me, all I keep seeing in my head is "Circle of Friends" when Jack has to win Benny back after he cheated on her with Nan. Maybe one day he'll truly come back and win me, but I can't keep holding on to that. It's time to let go.

Casual sex

It's been 8 months and I knew I had to let him go. I wanted to feel wanted, desired, so I went to Vegas last week for my conference with the intention of getting laid. Isn't that what they say, "the best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one?" And let's face it, I hadn't had sex in four years, yes, four years...that's a friggin' looooooooooooooooooooong time! I was way overdue.

Have you picked up on my use of past-tense?

I don't know how, but I did in fact have sex in Vegas. With a guy. A guy 10 years younger than me.

Oh snap.

He was there for the same conference and really cute. We both may have had a little too much to drink; he more than me. And I may have made it seem like it was all his idea even though I knew what I was doing. It started slowly...a comment here, a touch there. I knew what I wanted, but I don't know how it actually started.

We had been with a large group from the conference, drinking and having a good time. As midnight approached, people started heading out, back to the hotel. A group of 5 (3 guys, 2 girls) of us decided to go to a club at the MGM so we headed out, walking down the strip and stopping at Walgreens for liquor. He was loud as we waited in line to pay. As we walked down the strip, there were moments he'd start to pout because the other girl was paying attention to the other guy (the 3rd guy is married so he wasn't a part of the equation). I used that to my advantage, pulling him along. He'd rub up against me or stand very close to me.

As we briefly waited to get inside the club, something changed and I kinda felt I had him. He stood so close to me. Once inside, we got more drinks. I wanted to dance. The others went to walk around the club and we stayed behind with her purse. He was sitting on the ledge and I was just innocently standing in front of him, my back to him, moving a little to the music. His hands were on my waist, going up and down my arms, trying to get to my breasts. My hands were to my side, running along his legs. Then one hand was in his hand and he was guiding it to his crotch. First over his pants, then inside his pants and he was pressing himself against me.

The others returned but we didn't move. My hands just came back into view. Well, one of them did. After a few minutes it was time to go. We left the other three at the club and went back to his room. He held my hand as he led me out the club and through the casino towards the cabs. When we got in the cab, he was handsy while I kept up small talk with the driver.

I was so turned on. I wanted him so much. I wanted it so much. Being a big girl (and going so long without sex), I forgot how lithe my body could be during sex. Yes, even my body. We started out in the bathroom and then his bed.

While we were having sex, nothing else mattered. We kissed. My hands ran across his body. It felt so good.

Two hours later, I was walking through the casino back to my room on the other side of the hotel, when I ran into the other three. I'm not sure if they realized the time difference. Well, I'm not sure if the guys noticed. I know she didn't because she mentioned to someone else that I had left with him because he was too drunk and that they left only minutes after we did, when in fact it was at least 2 hours.

The next day I was tired, but good. (It had also been 4 years so it was like having sex for the first time (again! since I always seem to go a long time between sex) and I was sore down there for a couple of days.) I was slightly embarrassed because we had woken up his roommate, but also because I'm 35 (what's a few more months) and I don't have a lot of experience. I'm a big girl so I've never really been on top and I don't really know what to do and I couldn't reach very well to adjust, so we had to change positions.

So I'm embarrassed about that and because I've never really done that. He's only the fourth guy I've been with (only the 3rd one to actually have intercourse with). The other three guys I knew for a long time (comparatively) before anything happened with them. I mean, it was 3 years before I actually slept with Texas-boy (formerly Boston-boy).

But I'm feeling good and hoping that maybe we'll get to do it again.

Wrong. He couldn't even look at me the next day. He asked that we not talk about it. He even deleted the photo of us at the club from his phone. He pretended like he never took a picture. Luckily, one of the other guys did and he sent me the picture. ;)

It wasn't just that he couldn't look at me, he avoided me for the rest of the conference. He was fine around other people, but if I was near, he tensed up. And he couldn't look at me.

I think that's what hurt the most. It was like he was repulsed by the sight of me. He was friendly and touchy with everyone else, even my two companions, but when he couldn't avoid me, he was stiff and quiet with me. Maybe he was embarrassed too. I don't know. On the last night he told me he had a girlfriend. Oh really? Is that why he was hitting on so many girls? Is that why he was taking pics with random girls and hitting on them right in front of me?

I don't know what he thought I thought, but it's not like I wanted to carry on a long distance relationship with him. It's not like I didn't see it for what it was. He's 25 and I'm 35! All I wanted was to have sex. I just wanted us to have sex again before I came back to the real world. I just wanted him to help me feel again.

In the end, he did make me feel again; he made me feel worse about myself.

My only happiness

Broken

The days have turned into weeks and the weeks into months and I can't let him go. Suddenly the tears come and I can't breathe. Little things remind me of him, things we were supposed to do together and never will.

It won't stop hurting. I'm stuck in this endless roller coaster of emotions. I hate him for doing this to me. For making promises and breaking them. I've never opened up with anyone the way I did with him. I told him things I've never shared with anyone; truths about me I've kept hidden, the root of so many insecurities, and he made me feel like it was OK. He said he loved me. He said he wanted to marry me.

And now he's gone and I don't know why. And my brain knows I need to let him go, but my heart won't listen. I keep waiting, hoping for him to come back to me. There are days I imagine he'll be here when I come home from work. He'll be waiting outside my house for me and when I come home and he's not here, I die a little more inside.

I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I don't know how to let him go, how to move on without him. I'm not just heartbroken, I am broken. I'm just going through the motions of my life and can't find anything to care about.

He's gone and I need to move on, to let him go and try to fix all that's broken.

“Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over.”

~~ Nicole Sobon, Program 13

Dazzle

Dazzle me he said
Blow my mind
Open my eyes
Let me see inside
Show me who you are

Dazzle me she said
Take my hand
Guide me through
Ease my pain
Make me feel whole again

Show me the light
Heal my wounds
Make me warm
Bring me back to life

My mother asked me if I was pregnant because she noticed I've gotten bigger. At least I seem to be having sex in her imagination or nightmares...

Letters

I am torn between being happy that my letters to him have not been returned and being sad because I have not received a single letter in return.

I have written him daily since his mom gave me his contact information in mid-November. I have sent him letters, cards, photos...all telling him how proud I am of him, how much I love and support him and how I will wait for him.

If you have ever received a letter from me, then you know my letters can be pretty long. I am a writer, after all. He says he is not a writer, but if you read his e-mails to me, you would disagree. However, I do know he has a hard time opening up so I realize and accept that he may not write to me like I write to him. But I had hoped to receive a response from him by now. Even just a few lines acknowledging my letters.

I am at a loss over what to do. Do I keep writing? Do I just wait?

So much is in his hands.

My heart has hope. It has faith in our love.

But my mind, my mind questions everything. Why hasn't he written? Why hasn't he tried to contact me at all? Was it all a lie? Why would he do this to me?

I really truly want to side with my heart. To have faith in him, in us, in our love and be patient with him. I want what is best for him. I want him to be happy and healthy, no matter how long it takes.

But don't I deserve something to hold on to? A few lines reaffirming his love and commitment? A few lines on how much he misses me?

I just want to know what I am supposed to do.

Internet en la casa

I have internet at home again. YAY!!

I finally caved in and resubscribed, but only because I didn't need to get a house phone to do it. :D

Of course, it wasn't as easy as I hoped since they kept sending out stupid techs, but they finally sent one that actually knew what he was doing. I think they sensed on my last call that I was on the verge of saying FU and cancelling everything. I was so grateful with the last tech I would have done him right then and there if it hadn't been that time of the month.

Now I'm on my laptop even more and my iTouch. I'm fighting with my mother more over the use of my iTouch since she's addicted to the Butterfly version of Bejeweled. Why did I ever show her that game??? She won't even use my sister's iTouch because it doesn't have the buttlerfly game.

I've re-signed up for Netflix (but used a different e-mail address to get the month free trial) instant video, but I'm kinda disappointed it. It has a lot of tv shows, but not a lot of movies I actually want to see. :(

Turns out with my Amazon Prime, I also get Amazon instant video for free on some movies. Sadly, they're almost the exact same ones as Netflix. :(

I've been on an iTunes frenzy...apps and music. Gotta watch that too.

And I am finally updating my Flckr. It had been a long time since I really uploaded photos instead of just randomly here and there.

And yet, life seems so blah lately. I gotta get myself out of this. It doesn't do him any good for me to be like this and it definitely doesn't do me any good. I have to focus on the hope and love. I have a year to get ready and there's lots to do.