I so want this dress from Igigi.



http://www.igigi.com/valentine-s-day/imperia-lace-dress-in-black-red.html

Starting the year with a BANG!

Not that kind of bang. Get your mind out of the gutter people. Geesh… ;p

Every weekend this month I’ve been out and about with friends; doing stuff, but most importantly, just being out of the house.

Jan 1 – Appetizers and drinks at Red Lobster.
Jan 2 – Lunch at Rocco’s (hadn’t been there in years!! LOVE the onion rings!), “Sherlock Holmes” at The Grove (first time using my Pacific pass and she didn’t even charge me), walking around the Farmer’s Market, ended the evening with drinks, appetizers and dessert at the Macaroni Grill.
Jan 3 – My fifth niece, Ruby Mikaela, was born and I spent time with her at the hospital.

Jan 8 – Saw “Nine” at Del Amo. It was extremely disappointing and a little boring. I did enjoy Fergie’s dance number, though I’m still wondering why they plumped her up for the roll. I also enjoyed Marion Cottillard’s performance overall and really liked her second song and dance. Favorite line from “Nine” – Penelope Cruz: I’ll be waiting here for you, with my legs open.
Jan 9 – Spent time with little Ruby. She kicks my biological clock into overdrive. None of my girls have done that like this. She really draws out my motherly instinct and makes me a little sad because I don’t have a little Ruby of my own. All I hear is tick tock…tick tock….

Jan 15 – Dinner at PF Changs and watched “Up in the Air” at Del Amo.
Jan 16 – Spent the day with Tiny in El Segundo. Lunch at Chili’s, “It’s Complicated” at the Pacific Manhattan Village (used my Pacific pass again – the movie was HILARIOUS!), Barnes & Noble and Borders, and yummy snickerdoodle cookies from Fresh & Easy. Don’t remember the exact line from “It’s Complicated,” but when Alec Baldwin refers to Meryl Streep as going “native” and that he’s into it – OMG!!!!
Jan 17 – Dinner at a new Korean BBQ place with Sarah and there was a bit of a language barrier so we did have a bit of a problem communicating. Afterwards, we went to The Hustler Store….

Jan 23 – After a week of rain, the sun came out and I actually started my day early by getting my nails done (I feel so girly right now!), got to the Westside way early to meet Uni so I hung out at Borders and then got my eyebrows done at Ziba at the Westside Pavilion (it was friggin’ painful! remind me not to wait so long again), then Uni and I headed to Fox Hills Mall to check it out after the remodel. We really wanted to check out the new Target. It was very disappointing. You can bring something new to the neighborhood, but it doesn’t mean the neighborhood’s going to take care of it. What I didn’t like was the fact that people were rolling the Target carts through the mall and its stores. Lakewood Mall has a Target attached to the mall, but the carts are not allowed to roll through the mall; as it should be. After the disappointing Target shopping experience, we had dinner at the remodeled food court – Sarku Japan has such delicious chicken teriyaki. On the ride to the airport, I ate one of the yummiest red velvet cupcake. Uni brought it for me from the Daintycakes food truck. It was so moist and delicious. I made yummy noises with every bite. :)

Jan 24 – Met up with my cousin’s girlfriend for sushi at Sushi Mac on 3rd and La Cienega. I’ve been craving sushi for a while so I went a little overboard. They’re pretty affordable, $3 a plate – I had 9 plates. :D We then went to Hollywood & Highland for Beard Papa and then to my cousin’s house to spend time with little Ruby. I had an off day with little Ruby as each time I held her today, she’d eventually start crying. Even both times she was handed to me asleep; she’d wake up and start crying. The only time she didn’t cry was when I was feeding her, but as soon as she finished her bottle, she started crying again. :( It was good to hang out with my cousin’s girlfriend. We’ve never really done that before. They just celebrated their fifth anniversary, so she’s family now.


This upcoming weekend is the first weekend this month I don’t have anything planned ahead of time. I’m not worried. I do have lunch plans for Friday with an old high school friend I haven’t seen in years. And Sarah and I talked about getting together for a movie. We really want to see “Legion.” Who would’ve thought Paul Bettany could be so HOT!?!?! Yum!

Plus I also have a standing date to see “The Lovely Bones” with Anners and Maria. We just have to find an actual time that works for all three of us. :)

I think I've done it...

It didn't take very long, if you think about it. I think I've successfully annoyed him and pushed him away in record time. He must be thinking, "what the HECK???"

I've been extra extra crazy, I think. A little pushy and waaaaaaaay annoying. I guess I'm just getting good at this. I should be considering I have lots of practice.

He's been away these past couple of weekends and he said when he got back this week he'd be able to "coordinate" a time for us to see each other. (Coordinate because he has to get someone to watch the boys. Heck, at their age, I was staying home by myself, but he's a good parent.) But now the week is almost over and I haven't heard anything from him and I know next weekend he's out of town again and I already have plans for both days this weekend, though I'd likely drop one day for him if he called. (Sorry Uni, but your plans are recent. My Sunday plans have been on the agenda for 2 weeks. ;p ) No, I wouldn't do that. I'd use it to prove a point instead.

I miss him a lot. Not talking to him or seeing him these last few weeks has been hard and it hurts that he doesn't miss me as much as I miss him. He probably doesn't miss me because I've been so annoying and bitchy.

Hopefully we can move forward when I get over him and still be friends. As it is, we have to work together a lot in the coming months.

I'm in a bit of a funk about this right now (I know, I know, I've been in a funk for the past year...), which is why I haven't really been writing. I don't so much like blogging when I'm sad because I feel like my depressing posts are just annoying and who wants to read depressing post after depressing post. I certainly don't.

But I guess something is better than nothing, huh? Especially for those of you that check my blog day after day only to find nothing new. Sorry. :(

If only I could stop being annoying. At least I've left him alone these last couple of days. No texting at all. It's very sad, though. I keep thinking about Christmas week and how we text and spoke on the phone every single day that week, even on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and now....nothing. :(

Welcome Ruby!

My cousin, mother of my Goddaughter, gave birth to my 5th niece on Sunday, January 3rd at 7:14am. She was in labor all day Saturday, but didn’t go to the hospital until 5am Sunday. After spending over 40 hours in a hospital bed in labor with my Goddaughter, she wanted to delay her hospital stay as much as possible with her third baby, thus, she didn’t go until she couldn’t take the pain anymore. She text me Saturday night to let me know the baby was likely to arrive on Sunday, but didn’t think she’d actually give birth so early in the morning.

I spent Sunday afternoon at the hospital, holding little Ruby and taking so many photos. I have photos of all my nieces at the hospital, save one, and that’s only because my cousin didn’t tell me she gave birth until she was already home from the hospital.



Even though she’s my 5th niece, I was still nervous carrying her. Have to make sure to hold her head up, position her nicely on top of my arm; good thing I have nice, big boobs because they really come in handy to keep a baby nice and snug.

On Saturday, I went over to visit. I like that once my cousin was done breastfeeding Ruby, she just got up and plopped her in my arms. :) Ruby was sound asleep in my arms and I had a baby blanket draped over my shoulder covering her, keeping her nice and warm when my Godmother looked over at me and smiled. Then she said, “Look how good she looks holding the baby.” I told her not to start and how mom was already on me about grandchildren.

At my cousin’s house, I sat on the bed holding her and then I lay down next to her. I just wanted to stay there with her all day.

We’ve even started talking about her baptism this summer. I don’t know who her Godparents are going to me, it’s unlikely I’ll be her Godmother, but my cousin is still my cousin and comadre, so I’m going to help as much as I can, especially since it’s also my Goddaughter’s 5th birthday this year and that means a big party, so that’s two big parties they’re putting on this summer, so they need all the help they can get.

Broken record

My love life is a broken record. It’s always the same, going round and round, stopping at the same point before it starts to skip and then it begins all over again. I can only bemoan this fact so many times before everyone, me included, gets tired of it.

I’ve had two separate conversations with two different friends, but it was really the same one; both ended the same way, with me in tears. Everyone’s always telling me how great a person I am. I’m sweet and funny; playful and bold. But none of it matters. I have so much to offer, but they don’t see that, they can’t see beyond my physical appearance.

It kills me that as I grow older, I become more self-conscious. I long for the carefree days of my youth; when I never thought about it, when I didn’t care about what others thought. But when you get your heart broken time after time, you start to question if your heart will still be able to heal itself or if it’s just going to harden and make you bitter for the rest of your life. How many times can I continue to put myself through this?

I can go a long time without any interest in anyone, no one catching my fancy, but when I fall, I fall hard. The worst part of falling hard is the disappointment because I go into protective mode when it’s obvious there’s no reciprocation. When I fall, I let my guard down, I let that person completely in. I just don’t know how not to let someone in completely. Well, that’s not true. Either I let someone completely in or I don’t let them in at all. There’s no happy medium. But as soon as I begin to feel that they don’t feel the same way about me, that they don’t see me like that, the walls shoot back up and I push them away. I start fights, I shut them out; it makes it easier in the long run, but in the short run, I hurt myself more than they possibly could.

The funny thing is that each time I fall, I don’t bring any of the baggage from the previous time into it. My heart is wide open and full of hope…maybe that’s the problem…

I’m so obvious. Beyond obvious. He must know. He has to know. And if he doesn’t, then how dumb is he…

He has to know I’m completely crazy about him. And crazy I am. I’m head over heels. I can’t be near him without fidgeting or leaning in so close to him. He excites me so, but confuses me even more. I just wish things were clear, that I knew what was going on; whether or not he was even the slightest bit into me. He says things that tell me he does, but then it changes.

Again, he has to know, but then that means he doesn’t feel the same. I’ve given all sorts of signals; I’ve put myself out there. And so it’s begun. I’ve become impossible, started picking fights and just basically been pushing him away. The walls have gone back up, taller than ever and the only thing that makes it better is that I don’t have to see him every day anymore. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. It makes me incredibly sad, but I know it’s better that way. It will help. I just need to cut off contact for a while.
And so, I’m still waiting…waiting for the one that’s going to see me

So long 2009

There are days when I feel like a kid. And then there are days when the pressures of being an adult are overwhelming. The last 8 months have been a rollercoaster of emotions and heartache. We were tested in so many areas it was difficult for me to sit down and write; to share everything we were facing. At times like these, I internalize everything until I can’t take it anymore and just explode.

Well, I haven’t exploded yet, so I guess that’s a good sign. :)

A few weeks ago I started a blog post about how 2009 couldn’t end fast enough. I just wanted to fast forward through December and get to 2010 so as not to risk any more bad things happening to us. December did go by rather quickly, just as 2009 has flown by, but thankfully, things are looking up and 2009 will end on a good note. :)

I’m ready for new and exciting things. 2010 brings a new full-time job with Krikorian Premiere Theatres – a small, Southern California movie theatre chain – managing their patron rewards program. The great thing about this new job is that it came to me. I wasn’t applying for positions yet, just waiting until the beginning of the year to do so. A fellow board member on Young Variety called me the day the guy I’m replacing gave notice to offer me the position.

My strategy these past few months was to stay visible in the industry through my work at Variety and with Young Variety. I’ve been involved with so many events; my exposure has been off the hook. The latest event was the annual Heart of Show Business luncheon where I played a major role alongside some of the industry’s heavy hitters.

I’ve devoted so much of myself to Young Variety and its events, so much so that I was the only board member from the new batch that joined in June to be approached for an officer position and you are looking at the new Young Variety Secretary for 2010 & 2011. (Officers serve 2 year terms.) I have to review the latest By-Laws revisions, but I think I’ll still be able to move up officer positions before I reach my term limits. If you know me, you know my ambitions tend to run high. ;)

I’m trying to focus on the positives because I don’t want to be a downer. But then I think how unfair that is, how I should present a clear picture of my life these last few months. Once I started working part-time, my life stabilized a bit, at least my home life. My personal life suffered quite a bit because I didn’t really go out. Money was tight and I needed to make sure the house bills were covered, leaving very little for much-needed personal luxuries.

There are still days when my eyes just fill up with tears and I think about him leaving us. Anger fills my heart as each day goes by and he doesn’t even try to reach out. 25 years feel like they’ve been thrown away. Like none of them mattered. Flipping through photos, I can’t bear to look at them. I may be angry, but if he even cared, he should still try to talk to us. It might be a small thing, but it would mean something. Instead, he just threw away 25 years. He just walked away.

My Godmother is still recovering from her double mastectomy, but it appears to have been successful. The worst part of it seemed to be the day of; having any kind of surgery at the County hospital is not the easiest thing in the world. It’s very tedious to sit in the waiting room and not be able to get any information about her status or condition. She arrived at the hospital at 5:30am and we were all there with her until she went into prep at 6am. But then she was all alone. She sat in her room by herself until 1:00pm when she finally went into surgery. I cannot imagine what it was like for her to be alone. We all felt helpless, wishing there was more we can do, but didn’t even realize she was just sitting there, waiting. My sister had more luck getting information by calling in than my Godmother’s husband did sitting in the hospital waiting room. We couldn’t get a definite answer to when she would be out of surgery. No one came out to talk to us, to tell us she was out and how the surgery had gone. One of my uncles found the recovery room by chance and it was my sister that got my mom into the recovery room to see my Godmother before her own husband did. My sister has a tone about her; a non-apologizing, confident, strong tone, one that says, “We’re going inside, so don’t even try to stop us.”

My uncle has really come through for my Godmother and has been taking great care of her. We were somewhat worried because my Godmother has devoted her entire life to taking care of her family – her husband, children and grand-children, and the assumption was they would take care of her when the time came, but her children didn’t go with her to the doctor’s appointments, I did. I was in the room with her when the doctor told her she had breast cancer. I held her as she broke down and cried, even though she told herself she was prepared for the diagnosis. I was the one that went out to the waiting room to bring my uncle into the room.

My Godmother is a petite woman, but she looked so small in her hospital bed after her surgery. I’m not good in hospitals. The memory of a loved one lying sick in a hospital bed is not one I want to stay with me, and especially not my Godmother so small in her hospital bed, grimacing with pain, hardly able to move. I stroked her hand and blessed her with the sign of the cross as she slept before I kissed her forehead and whispered everything would be fine in her ear. The next day, when she was wide awake and alert, she asked my mom if she had dreamt it.

My immediate family has always been small; we’re the smallest of all our families, but now it just feels like we’re tiny. It’s just the four of us, but since my brother moved back up to Fresno for school and my sister has her own place, it’s just mom and me in the house. Sure, we have the pups, but it’s just mom and me. As each month goes by, I feel more like a housewife: buying groceries each week, cooking for the week, packing mom’s lunches, doing the dishes – I feel like I’m always doing dishes – paying the house bills (I’ve always paid them, but it’s just been harder lately.), doing all the little things I never worried about doing…mom says we’re like roommates, except everything falls on my shoulders. Sometimes I just need a break, but mom needs me.

The last two months have been better. New people have come into my life and they’ve brought excitement and joy. The ice has broken with fellow board members as we’ve worked on events together.

I’m beyond ready to close the book on 2009 and am really looking forward to 2010. There are already so many great things on the horizon.

*The birth of a new niece.
*A new job with countless opportunities.
*Ton of upcoming events for Young Variety. Work has already begun on this year’s pool tournament.
*My Secretary position on the YV Board.
*My Goddaughter’s 5th Birthday, which means….PAAAARRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYY!!!!
*M and C-los’ wedding in August.
*The hope of love.

All I know is that after everything we went through in 2009, 2010 can only be better.

The High School Years

I was playing around on my computer last night and I threw this together.

Next step is to play with actual video footage I've taken.

FB friends breakdown

My friends on Facebook:

Gender breakdown: 59% female / 41% male
Relationship status: 61% single / 39% taken
Political breakdown: 98% democrats / 2% republicans
Geographic distribution: 5 countries, 14 states
Most common zodiac sign: Sagittarius (23 ...friends)
Favorite music: Radiohead (7 friends)
Favorite TV show: Lost (13 friends)
Favorite movie: Fight Club (4 friends)
Favorite book: Harry Potter Series (3 friends)
Favorite activity: Running (8 friends)

Photos from last few months

Young Variety - Hollywood Bowl

Birthday @ Disneyland

August Fires

Ladybug Birthday Cake

Playing Soccer

4th of July

Goddaughter's Birthday @ Chuck e Cheese

Niece's Baptism/1st Birthday

Father's Day BBQ

Baby Shower

Lunch @ Chili's

The LBC

Niece's 7th Birthday

31 on the 31st

Happy Birthday to me. :D

A fabulously hot and sweaty day was spent at Disneyland (THANK YOU UNI!), followed by an at-home meal with bread pudding.

Pictures and more to come. I'm just too tired right now and need to get some sleep. I have a long day tomorrow starting with a training session and ending with a board meeting.

Plus I have to follow-up with all the birthday wishes.

In the meantime, I can't believe I'm 31...OH MY!