He retired from teaching a few years ago, but is still the KC Advisor and coaching football. He's retiring from coaching next year and is looking for someone to take over KC; someone that's going to stick with it.
YAY! MR. PUTNAM!!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Mr. Putnam!!
I was walking through the SG Street Fair Saturday when I walked by a booth manned by SGHS Key Club and my KC advisor and AP US History teacher was there.
He retired from teaching a few years ago, but is still the KC Advisor and coaching football. He's retiring from coaching next year and is looking for someone to take over KC; someone that's going to stick with it.
YAY! MR. PUTNAM!!
He retired from teaching a few years ago, but is still the KC Advisor and coaching football. He's retiring from coaching next year and is looking for someone to take over KC; someone that's going to stick with it.
YAY! MR. PUTNAM!!
Should I respond?
He text me. He read my post Didn't kiss me like before and apparently felt obligated to address the whole son issue. I haven't replied. This was about four days ago. A couple of days before that I knew he'd read it because I saw in my stats that someone in his city accessed my blog. Sure, it could have been anyone, but I was pretty sure it was him.
I really don't know whether or not to respond. I know it sounds mean, but I don't really care. And frankly, his excuse for not telling me brought up so many other issues that there really is no point.
There's a part of me that wants to reply, but only so he knows his excuse didn't shut me up or put me in my place about the issue. Like I wrote, the other part of me doesn't care and doesn't see the need to engage further.
I don't even understand why he even bothered to text me his reasons. I mean, I don't have a magic coochie (pardon my french), so I doubt that it's because he wants to keep a west coast lay on reserve for the once-a-year visits. Well, maybe he does, but it doesn't have to be me and I'm probably not the only one anyway. Our tryst was kinda one-sided. It was all about me. ;) I so didn't mean for that to happen and I felt guilty about it, but I was the only one that got off (multiple times) that day. It just sorta happened. Sorry. :(
Anyway. I don't understand. It's always been clear that all I've been to him is a long-distance booty call, as Uni put it, so why even excuse yourself? Is it an ego thing? Like, "oh no, the fat girl's not going to be the one to put an end to things." (Yes, the same way I'm milking the "emotionally unstable" bit, I'm going to milk the "who's going to hire the fat girl" sentiment.)
If he happens to come back onto my blog, I guess this will do as my reply. I'm also surprised he even came to it as it's been a long time since he had...oh well. Maybe one day I will learn to keep my mouth shut. don't think that's ever going to happen. ;)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
My M.O.
On Wednesday, I went to Burbank to meet Uni for lunch at Porto’s. (mmm, Porto’s) Our lunch turned into 3 hours and then I ended up having a caramel frap from an Albertsons’ Starbuck’s and reading for 2 hours while I waited for Uni to get off work so we could head over the hill to the Westside together. The commute went rather smoothly considering it’d been raining on and off and LA drivers are at their all-time worst during rain. (Oh no, a little rain and I’ve suddenly forgotten how to drive. Well, not me, them. I don’t drive, remember?) Once over the hill we decided we were hungry again and ended up heading over to Souplantation. (I hadn’t been there since leaving the Westside in ’08; oh, how I missed thee.) We sat and talked while eating for another 2 or 3 hours.
I was beginning to think I was in the clear; that I wasn’t going to be trashed for leaving my job. It was almost 2 months. I had laid low; hadn’t contacted anyone. I essentially disappeared. My sources told me it was well over a month before the realization that I was no longer with my former company. Boy was I wrong. I hadn’t reached out to any of my “supposed” contacts, and honestly, I wasn’t planning to, but I was set to resurface now that I was confirmed as a board member for Young Variety and my first board meeting was approaching.
And so it began.
My former mentor, a woman I long stopped trusting, by the way, set about to learn what she could about what I was up to. Of course, she thought she knew what had happened, but she knows shit. And frankly, I’m not about to start filling in the gaps for anyone, and most definitely not her. I know she just wants information to take back to my former employers. In the midst of trashing me, she has sunk to the lowest anyone can. Not only is she rewriting history, since she can’t criticize me on my work, she’s gone the personal route. I’m immature, emotionally unstable, and I’m fat. Who in their right mind is going to hire the fat girl?!?
Two things went through my mind upon hearing this.
One, what a fucking BIATCH!!!
And two, I was reminded of the first chapter of Jen Lancaster’s (third) autobiography, Such a Pretty Fat, where she’s called a fat bitch and she just responds, “Yeah. Like I haven’t heard that before.” Seriously man, she couldn’t come up with something more creative? She had to resort to calling me fat? Oh my god, puh-lease. It almost makes me laugh knowing how truly pathetic the whole thing is.
All I can say is she should watch what she says because if anyone can burn her, it’s me. And if I was a lesser person, burn her I would. But I’ve kept my mouth shut about her, my former company, my former bosses, everything. I knew full well the consequences of leaving the way I did and I took that responsibility fully.
In all of this, I’ve done what I’ve needed to do; I’ve put myself first and have taken care of the person that matters – me. I’ve been conscientious of how my actions have affected others, and I have sacrificed a great deal and risked many relationships, but I had to do what was best for me. I have not put this on anyone else. I’m letting things fall as they may. You want to continue a relationship with me, great. You don’t, so be it. There’s nothing I can do to change things. We all have our own decisions to make and I made mine.
Of course, the better part of our lunch and commute over the hill covered this topic, but at dinner, even though every now and then a reference to it would be made, it had grown tired. There are only so many times I can call her a biatch. (That’s not entirely true.) As I’ve mentioned, these last few months there’s been resurgence in communication with former high school and college classmates, all thanks to Facebook. This has especially been true for one friend in particular from college. We’ve been chatting online later in the evening. We’re both night owls. He usually doesn’t go to bed until 2am and since we’re both in Cali, it works out. He’s up in San Fran and I’m in SoCal. In college we carried on a NorCal vs SoCal rivalry. Fake, of course. ;p
I had mentioned him to Uni before and we were discussing his current marital situation, one I will not go into here. In the course of this discussion, I ended up telling her how we’d met in college and how he was the one that changed my views on drug use, well, recreational drug use, like marijuana, not hard drugs, even though I personally have never tried them. I felt like I was boring her because I ended up going into my extra-curricular activities with the student government, and once you get me started with that, well, I get all hyper and just keep going and going. Before long, I’d gone back to my high school years with all my club involvements and everything; more boring stuff. :(
By the time we sat waiting at the airport for my bus home, I was lamenting that I was no longer that girl from high school and college and wondering what happened to me. In high school, I was not A-list popular, but a nerd, yet, I was still well-known. I was involved with numerous school clubs and had leadership positions in all of them. I led several clubs; increased membership, interfaced with faculty, planned events, and had absolutely no problem leading meetings. I didn’t have a problem reaching out to new members and including them – how else was I going to increase membership, by standing quietly in the back? Uh, no.
I was beginning to think I was in the clear; that I wasn’t going to be trashed for leaving my job. It was almost 2 months. I had laid low; hadn’t contacted anyone. I essentially disappeared. My sources told me it was well over a month before the realization that I was no longer with my former company. Boy was I wrong. I hadn’t reached out to any of my “supposed” contacts, and honestly, I wasn’t planning to, but I was set to resurface now that I was confirmed as a board member for Young Variety and my first board meeting was approaching.
And so it began.
My former mentor, a woman I long stopped trusting, by the way, set about to learn what she could about what I was up to. Of course, she thought she knew what had happened, but she knows shit. And frankly, I’m not about to start filling in the gaps for anyone, and most definitely not her. I know she just wants information to take back to my former employers. In the midst of trashing me, she has sunk to the lowest anyone can. Not only is she rewriting history, since she can’t criticize me on my work, she’s gone the personal route. I’m immature, emotionally unstable, and I’m fat. Who in their right mind is going to hire the fat girl?!?
Two things went through my mind upon hearing this.
One, what a fucking BIATCH!!!
And two, I was reminded of the first chapter of Jen Lancaster’s (third) autobiography, Such a Pretty Fat, where she’s called a fat bitch and she just responds, “Yeah. Like I haven’t heard that before.” Seriously man, she couldn’t come up with something more creative? She had to resort to calling me fat? Oh my god, puh-lease. It almost makes me laugh knowing how truly pathetic the whole thing is.
All I can say is she should watch what she says because if anyone can burn her, it’s me. And if I was a lesser person, burn her I would. But I’ve kept my mouth shut about her, my former company, my former bosses, everything. I knew full well the consequences of leaving the way I did and I took that responsibility fully.
In all of this, I’ve done what I’ve needed to do; I’ve put myself first and have taken care of the person that matters – me. I’ve been conscientious of how my actions have affected others, and I have sacrificed a great deal and risked many relationships, but I had to do what was best for me. I have not put this on anyone else. I’m letting things fall as they may. You want to continue a relationship with me, great. You don’t, so be it. There’s nothing I can do to change things. We all have our own decisions to make and I made mine.
Of course, the better part of our lunch and commute over the hill covered this topic, but at dinner, even though every now and then a reference to it would be made, it had grown tired. There are only so many times I can call her a biatch. (That’s not entirely true.) As I’ve mentioned, these last few months there’s been resurgence in communication with former high school and college classmates, all thanks to Facebook. This has especially been true for one friend in particular from college. We’ve been chatting online later in the evening. We’re both night owls. He usually doesn’t go to bed until 2am and since we’re both in Cali, it works out. He’s up in San Fran and I’m in SoCal. In college we carried on a NorCal vs SoCal rivalry. Fake, of course. ;p
I had mentioned him to Uni before and we were discussing his current marital situation, one I will not go into here. In the course of this discussion, I ended up telling her how we’d met in college and how he was the one that changed my views on drug use, well, recreational drug use, like marijuana, not hard drugs, even though I personally have never tried them. I felt like I was boring her because I ended up going into my extra-curricular activities with the student government, and once you get me started with that, well, I get all hyper and just keep going and going. Before long, I’d gone back to my high school years with all my club involvements and everything; more boring stuff. :(
By the time we sat waiting at the airport for my bus home, I was lamenting that I was no longer that girl from high school and college and wondering what happened to me. In high school, I was not A-list popular, but a nerd, yet, I was still well-known. I was involved with numerous school clubs and had leadership positions in all of them. I led several clubs; increased membership, interfaced with faculty, planned events, and had absolutely no problem leading meetings. I didn’t have a problem reaching out to new members and including them – how else was I going to increase membership, by standing quietly in the back? Uh, no.
And college was the same thing, though, this time with both student government and student organizations. I was involved in search committees for new admissions staff, college deans and other staff. I was involved in college committees that brought awareness on violence to campus, responsible for setting student life guidelines, and entrusted to wisely allocate all funds to the 80 plus student organizations on campus from the student life fund. Twice I had to convince the student body that I was the right candidate for student body government positions.
And now? I have such a difficult time mingling, making small talk with strangers and my own clients. I go to events and sit apart with my own people, staying in my comfort zone. So what happened to me?
As I recounted the stories to Uni of how I became involved with everything I did in high school and college, she said I haven’t changed. Nothing was handed to me. I worked hard to earn those positions, to gain the respect of everyone, and I did that by letting my work speak for itself. From my 9th grade Algebra 2 teacher that favored the boys in the class and recruited them first, even though I was just as good a student; it wasn’t until I beat both of them at the end of the school year for the class’ top spot that he recruited me into the math and science club. Where I went on to be President my junior year and was responsible for increasing membership and continued the groups success in academic competitions. My KC advisor that had apprehensions of my being President my senior year because I hadn’t been a great student in his AP US History class the year before (I suffered from Junioritis – complete burnout.) and feared I had too much on my plate like my predecessor to do what was required. As I stood ready to graduate, my advisors for both those clubs recognized their errors and regarded me as the best thing to happen to them.
In college, the love of my life, budget committee – I poured myself into it, but I didn’t even begin as a full member, I was the 2nd alternate, didn’t even have to go to the meetings, but I did. I went to all of the meetings, even started going to all the senate meetings, and worked my way up to full member and then, I was in charge. It wasn’t handed to me, I had to work for it, show that I knew the guidelines inside out and then suddenly, everyone was telling me to run for treasurer; that I was the best candidate. The Latino organization shunned me for my first year and half because I didn’t automatically stand up for them in bc, but after all my hard work and fixing mistakes made by the previous treasurer, I was accepted with open arms, and then I was helping with events and a co-chair for the group.
Uni pointed this all out to me and said it’s my M.O. (hee hee). I gain the respect of others through my hard work. I overcome obstacles put in front of me by others based solely on their expectations of who I am and what I’m meant to do, to change their views and prove my worthiness. That’s what I’ve done now and why I’m on the board. She said she wouldn’t be surprised if I was leading it in a few years as it fits with my M.O.
The following day, I had dinner (mmm, sushi) with Mari and we were discussing my current situation and everything that’s happened. She says my life has been about expectations. My sister was grooming me to be just like her, another lawyer, but I bypassed those expectations and made my own path, regardless of the disappointment felt by my family. I’ve always done things my own way. Junior year of high school, I took Physics while my friends took AP Bio. I also veered off my academic path to be the spirit squad manager, something my friends looked down on. The more something has been expected of me, the more others have tried to pegged me into this little box, the more I’ve gone out of my way to do what makes me happy, regardless of how much more work that may have meant.
Simply put, in the end, my hard work speaks for itself. That’s the reason my former mentor hasn’t touched that subject to criticize me. She can’t touch me there. No one can. So I will, once again, overcome all obstacles, beat all expectations, and rise again. I’ve done it all my life.
It’s my M.O.
It’s who I am.
And now? I have such a difficult time mingling, making small talk with strangers and my own clients. I go to events and sit apart with my own people, staying in my comfort zone. So what happened to me?
As I recounted the stories to Uni of how I became involved with everything I did in high school and college, she said I haven’t changed. Nothing was handed to me. I worked hard to earn those positions, to gain the respect of everyone, and I did that by letting my work speak for itself. From my 9th grade Algebra 2 teacher that favored the boys in the class and recruited them first, even though I was just as good a student; it wasn’t until I beat both of them at the end of the school year for the class’ top spot that he recruited me into the math and science club. Where I went on to be President my junior year and was responsible for increasing membership and continued the groups success in academic competitions. My KC advisor that had apprehensions of my being President my senior year because I hadn’t been a great student in his AP US History class the year before (I suffered from Junioritis – complete burnout.) and feared I had too much on my plate like my predecessor to do what was required. As I stood ready to graduate, my advisors for both those clubs recognized their errors and regarded me as the best thing to happen to them.
In college, the love of my life, budget committee – I poured myself into it, but I didn’t even begin as a full member, I was the 2nd alternate, didn’t even have to go to the meetings, but I did. I went to all of the meetings, even started going to all the senate meetings, and worked my way up to full member and then, I was in charge. It wasn’t handed to me, I had to work for it, show that I knew the guidelines inside out and then suddenly, everyone was telling me to run for treasurer; that I was the best candidate. The Latino organization shunned me for my first year and half because I didn’t automatically stand up for them in bc, but after all my hard work and fixing mistakes made by the previous treasurer, I was accepted with open arms, and then I was helping with events and a co-chair for the group.
Uni pointed this all out to me and said it’s my M.O. (hee hee). I gain the respect of others through my hard work. I overcome obstacles put in front of me by others based solely on their expectations of who I am and what I’m meant to do, to change their views and prove my worthiness. That’s what I’ve done now and why I’m on the board. She said she wouldn’t be surprised if I was leading it in a few years as it fits with my M.O.
The following day, I had dinner (mmm, sushi) with Mari and we were discussing my current situation and everything that’s happened. She says my life has been about expectations. My sister was grooming me to be just like her, another lawyer, but I bypassed those expectations and made my own path, regardless of the disappointment felt by my family. I’ve always done things my own way. Junior year of high school, I took Physics while my friends took AP Bio. I also veered off my academic path to be the spirit squad manager, something my friends looked down on. The more something has been expected of me, the more others have tried to pegged me into this little box, the more I’ve gone out of my way to do what makes me happy, regardless of how much more work that may have meant.
Simply put, in the end, my hard work speaks for itself. That’s the reason my former mentor hasn’t touched that subject to criticize me. She can’t touch me there. No one can. So I will, once again, overcome all obstacles, beat all expectations, and rise again. I’ve done it all my life.
It’s my M.O.
It’s who I am.
Feel like I'm back in high school
(Please note: post begun on June 1, 2009)
In the last few weeks on Facebook, I've been reunited with people I went to school with, and when I say school, I mean junior high and high school. It's been cool and I even took to scanning and uploading a bunch of photos. (Click on the "My Photos on Flickr" link on the left to see them. It's the first time I've uploaded a big batch to Flickr since early last year. Yes, I know, have to catch up soon.) It was fun to tag people and read the comments they made about them. Most of them just wrote how they brought back old memories. Some even tagged others in the photos, friends they're friends with on Facebook, but I'm not.
I have 39 Facebook friends that I went to school with. (The number has gone up since I started this blog post.) That's a little over half the amount I have of college friends. Of those 39, I can count on one hand the friends that I've actually kept in touch over the years and retained a friendship with. The others, well, for the most part, they've added me and I've kept up an amiable online friendship. Usually I just respond in kind with a comment here and there. The obligatory "hi there, how are you" post on their wall and maybe a comment or like on one of their photos. With some we've e-mailed on Facebook with a lengthier catch up on the last 13 or so years. Some I've been trapped into a short chat session where you really have nothing to say to one another.
And of course, there are always the "we need to get together" to catch up comments. My response is always "sure, let me know what works for you" and then silence for the next few weeks, wherein the subject comes up again. I've only actually gotten together with one of them, that, of course being the long lost friend that is now gay. I'm OK with this. (We can add a second person to this list now – that I’ve gotten together with, not that he or she is gay.)
So, why do I feel like I'm back in high school?
Up until recently, many of my school classmates were not on Facebook or even MySpace. As Facebook has grown in popularity, there's been a convergence of former classmates; getting back in touch and asking "did you go to our 10 year reunion?" Seriously, I have not heard a yes reply to that question yet.
On MySpace, the class of 1995 seemed to be doing a good job of having get-togethers. Maybe none of them went to their reunion either.
My class, on the other hand, was non-existent. Until a few months ago. I received an IM from a classmate that added me to her friend's list. After idle chit-chat, she informs me there's a group of them trying to organize a get together as none of them went to reunion and it's been years. She says she’ll be sure to let me know when they plan it. I say cool, let me know.
I'm doing my usual Facebook rounds, hitting pages here and there, seeing what's up. Of course, some of my friends are friends with other classmates that I also knew but I haven't added and they haven't added me. I'm very hesitant about adding people because I'm never quite sure they'll remember me. As I'm doing my rounds, I notice comments referring to a get together, a mini-reunion that's been planned. One of them is even flying out from Boston for it. (It helps that he's a flight attendant for Jet Blue.) The weekend their planning it for happens to be the birthday weekend for the girl that IMed me and told me she’d let me know.
She didn’t tell me about it. No one did. And now I’m like, “after all these years, I’m still not a part of the cool kids.” Well, it’s not like they were all so popular, but you know what I mean. I feel like I’m back in that place. The fuddy-duddy girl with so many other things to do she can’t possibly have time to hang out, go out, or be invited to parties.
I want to scream from the top of my lungs “HAVE YOU SEEN THAT PHOTO OF ME AND JASON STATHAM?!?!?” I’ve been to Showest, sat at tables next to Jason Statham, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Larry the Cable Guy, tables down from Dane Cook, gone to lunches and dinners honoring some of the best actors of our time and up-and-comers. And up until recently, there was a VP title next to my name. What are you doing?!?
Why do I even care? These people are not in my life. They are inconsequential to my life. There are plenty of people that do care about me and are frequent in my life. Aren’t there?
Geez, am I just being snobby again? It feels like it, no?
But it’s also another thing. When you spend so many of your formative years with the same people, it’s inevitable that you’re going to be pegged into a certain persona. There are certain expectations. Going away to college, where absolutely no one knew me, I finally felt like I could be me. I was me. Now, having so many former high school classmates in my life, it feels like I’m being reverted back to that girl. The girl I stopped being so many years ago. The girl that really was never me. And this girl, the one I really am, is not being seen.
In the last few weeks on Facebook, I've been reunited with people I went to school with, and when I say school, I mean junior high and high school. It's been cool and I even took to scanning and uploading a bunch of photos. (Click on the "My Photos on Flickr" link on the left to see them. It's the first time I've uploaded a big batch to Flickr since early last year. Yes, I know, have to catch up soon.) It was fun to tag people and read the comments they made about them. Most of them just wrote how they brought back old memories. Some even tagged others in the photos, friends they're friends with on Facebook, but I'm not.
I have 39 Facebook friends that I went to school with. (The number has gone up since I started this blog post.) That's a little over half the amount I have of college friends. Of those 39, I can count on one hand the friends that I've actually kept in touch over the years and retained a friendship with. The others, well, for the most part, they've added me and I've kept up an amiable online friendship. Usually I just respond in kind with a comment here and there. The obligatory "hi there, how are you" post on their wall and maybe a comment or like on one of their photos. With some we've e-mailed on Facebook with a lengthier catch up on the last 13 or so years. Some I've been trapped into a short chat session where you really have nothing to say to one another.
And of course, there are always the "we need to get together" to catch up comments. My response is always "sure, let me know what works for you" and then silence for the next few weeks, wherein the subject comes up again. I've only actually gotten together with one of them, that, of course being the long lost friend that is now gay. I'm OK with this. (We can add a second person to this list now – that I’ve gotten together with, not that he or she is gay.)
So, why do I feel like I'm back in high school?
Up until recently, many of my school classmates were not on Facebook or even MySpace. As Facebook has grown in popularity, there's been a convergence of former classmates; getting back in touch and asking "did you go to our 10 year reunion?" Seriously, I have not heard a yes reply to that question yet.
On MySpace, the class of 1995 seemed to be doing a good job of having get-togethers. Maybe none of them went to their reunion either.
My class, on the other hand, was non-existent. Until a few months ago. I received an IM from a classmate that added me to her friend's list. After idle chit-chat, she informs me there's a group of them trying to organize a get together as none of them went to reunion and it's been years. She says she’ll be sure to let me know when they plan it. I say cool, let me know.
I'm doing my usual Facebook rounds, hitting pages here and there, seeing what's up. Of course, some of my friends are friends with other classmates that I also knew but I haven't added and they haven't added me. I'm very hesitant about adding people because I'm never quite sure they'll remember me. As I'm doing my rounds, I notice comments referring to a get together, a mini-reunion that's been planned. One of them is even flying out from Boston for it. (It helps that he's a flight attendant for Jet Blue.) The weekend their planning it for happens to be the birthday weekend for the girl that IMed me and told me she’d let me know.
She didn’t tell me about it. No one did. And now I’m like, “after all these years, I’m still not a part of the cool kids.” Well, it’s not like they were all so popular, but you know what I mean. I feel like I’m back in that place. The fuddy-duddy girl with so many other things to do she can’t possibly have time to hang out, go out, or be invited to parties.
I want to scream from the top of my lungs “HAVE YOU SEEN THAT PHOTO OF ME AND JASON STATHAM?!?!?” I’ve been to Showest, sat at tables next to Jason Statham, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Larry the Cable Guy, tables down from Dane Cook, gone to lunches and dinners honoring some of the best actors of our time and up-and-comers. And up until recently, there was a VP title next to my name. What are you doing?!?
Why do I even care? These people are not in my life. They are inconsequential to my life. There are plenty of people that do care about me and are frequent in my life. Aren’t there?
Geez, am I just being snobby again? It feels like it, no?
But it’s also another thing. When you spend so many of your formative years with the same people, it’s inevitable that you’re going to be pegged into a certain persona. There are certain expectations. Going away to college, where absolutely no one knew me, I finally felt like I could be me. I was me. Now, having so many former high school classmates in my life, it feels like I’m being reverted back to that girl. The girl I stopped being so many years ago. The girl that really was never me. And this girl, the one I really am, is not being seen.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thinking
(Please note this post was written on May 21, 2009.)
I am a new board member for Young Variety. Woo-hoo!!! :D
(Note: The website hasn't been updated yet.)
This is something I've wanted to do for quite some time now and have worked hard to get. I attended all the Young Variety events I could last year, which was just about all of them.
I'm very excited! :)
As I've been reading, I've also thought about my writing and wanting to get back to it. As a kid I dreamed of becoming a writer, but as an adult I've never felt my writing was good enough. In high school I read the required "classics" reading, plus my sister had her own list of my required reading. Now as an adult, I mostly read chick-lit. Reading the classics, I think I could never write like that. Reading chick-lit, I think that's so easy I could definitely write like that, but I don't so then I scold myself for not being able to.
I stopped writing my stories when my career took off years ago. Work took too much of my time. I was pooped. When I left the first time and started this blog, it was supposed to get me back into writing, and while I've kept it up for the last four years, the writing is different. I've heard of blogs that were published into books, but mine is just not like that.
I'd begun my most ambition story years ago, even had an outline for it. I knew exactly what was going to happen and how. I got stuck actually writing it, though. :( I just couldn't put pen to paper and write out all the details.
Before I can move forward with my writing, it only makes sense that I finish working on my past stories. Just clear my head for new stories to emerge.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
In Remembrance
One year ago, in a horrific crash, my sweet Gaby died. I still can't believe she's not here. I can't believe I'm not going to hear her when I walk into my cousin's house. Being there without her is so hard.
She was taken from us too early. There was so much she needed to do.
She's gone. And on this day we remember and celebrate her life, though not a day goes by that we don't hold her close to our broken hearts and have her face in our eyes.
I miss you Gaby. I love you.
She was taken from us too early. There was so much she needed to do.
She's gone. And on this day we remember and celebrate her life, though not a day goes by that we don't hold her close to our broken hearts and have her face in our eyes.
I miss you Gaby. I love you.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Such a Pretty Fat
Just finished reading "Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest to Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big or Why Pie is Not the Answer" by Jen Lancaster. Since I have so much time on my hands right now, I finished reading it in one day. It also took me one day to read the last book, well, 6 or 7 hours straight (it was the middle of the night).
I absolutely LOVED this book. I could not stop laughing. It's her third memoir and the footnotes had me cracking up so much. I was thrust into so many laughing fits, many of which I thought I was going to die from asphyxiation.
She's witty, bitchy and mean, but totally REAL.
Truthfully, I saw a lot of myself in her, though, I'm not a narcissist, but I am quite snobby and increasingly judmental and find so many people out there in the world just plain stupid. The less I have to interact with others (of course this does not include friends and loved ones), the better.
(Which is why it kills me that AMC Norwalk does not have a ticket kiosk and if even if I order and pay for my tickets online, I still have to speak to someone to get my tickets. Thus, The Grove is the PERFECT theatre - ticket and concessions kiosks, limiting actual interaction with people....awwww...)
In other news, my sleep cycle continues to be completely topsy-turvy. I can correct it for a day or two to venture out into the "living" world to meet friends for lunch or what-not, including a few hours of much needed and desired sex ;), but then it goes right back to hell. I even stayed up all afternoon and night the day before Mother's Day and all day Mother's Day and still could not go to sleep at a "normal" time. Oh well...
I've missed a few birthdays, even though I actually had the birthday cards and everything. Sorry. I just haven't been keeping up to date on my planner. I just now looked at it and updated it with books I'd read, movies I'd seen, lunches and trysts, etc, etc, etc.
(Man, just can't stop putting it out there that I had sex, huh? Wonder how long this next dryspell will be. Gotta enjoy it while I can....oops, that's right, it's over. The count has begun.)
Pretty lame, but I watched Stephen King's "The Stand" on tv a few nights ago, and WTF. The ending totally sucks. I don't get it. Very anti-climactic. I remember watching it when it played in 1994, but didn't remember it being so lame and stupid. I still don't understand why Nick (Rob Lowe) and Larry (I dunno, some dude) had to die, but Stu (Gary Sinise) got to live. Don't get me wrong, I like Gary Sinise, but why did the other two have to die. Yes, I cried when Nick and Larry died. Again, just found it to be so anti-climactic.
Oh man, I also finally watched "August Rush" - I had it on my DVR for months. It was so sweet and touching. I'm sorry, but I don't like when Robin Williams is mean. I need him to be fun and loving, not mean to kids. The trailer totally fooled me when it came to his character; didn't think he was going to be the way he was. Keri Russell and Jonathan Rhys Meyers would totally have gorgeous babies together. I know she's married and has a kid and he's got a substance problem, but they should totally procreate, at least one kid. I mean, look at them. I'd fall in love with him after only one night too, and man, don't I wish a guy would spend over 10 years still completely in love with me and pinning for me....swoon. Yes, I cried at the end too. And I keep replaying the end over and over and just cry and cry.
In more mundane news, I organized and updated my DVD inventory. I'm missing some DVDs, but I think my sister has them. I have to get Mari to finally give me back the DVDs, CDs and books of mine she's had in her possession before she even moved to Palmdale. (that's a friggin' long time!) And I should probably move my DVDs into my room so my brother does not have direct access to them as I found the Jerry Maguire DVD in the Eastern Promises case and the Jerry Maguire case and Easter Promises DVD are nowhere to be found and he claims not to be at fault, even though the Eastern Promises case with Jerry Maguire DVD came out of his room. How would he like it if his Rudy DVD happened to mysteriously disappear? (He loves that movie...and Tommy Boy.) Hm, maybe they should both disappear.
Well, that's enough for now. I'll try not to bore you with my next blog post.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Didn't kiss me like before
I've never understood how in movies and tv shows, the girl wakes up after a drunken night and doesn't know whether or not she had sex with the hot guy lying next to her. Debra Messing with Dermott Mulroney in The Wedding Date or Carrie with the struggling artist after fighting with Mr. Big on the Sex and the City episode where he gives her this ugly little bejeweled purse instead of saying "I love you."
How do they not know if they've had sex or not? How do their bodies not tell them?
My body aches....EVERYWHERE!
Every inch of my body tells me I've been intimate with someone. I feel it through my skin, muscles and bones. I feel it there, I feel it everywhere.
So how are these storylines written? How drunk do you have to be? OK, I can understand being so drunk that you didn't feel any discomfort or soreness during, but once the alcohol wore off, wouldn't the soreness remain in your body?
Now you know.
He's here. We saw each other. And yes, I finally succumbed to him.
He didn't kiss me like he used to. It was the first thing he always did. I could get lost in his kiss and embrace. But today, today several agonizing minutes passed before his lips approached mine and when they finally met, it was all too brief. Clothes were discarded quickly; eager for that satisfaction we'd waited far too long to achieve. Almost three years since it all began. Almost three years of sexual tension.
Too much time had passed since my last night with P, so when I started giggling, it threw me off for a second before I remembered that was a good thing; before my brain understood and felt how good it was indeed. It didn't come easily, though. It had been too long and I was never very experienced, so when he entered me, it was like my first time. No, worse. He reached places never touched. And in many ways, he was truly my first. He did things to me I could never detail here. I giggled and giggled...a lot. My legs shook and my body vibrated. Multiple times.
I almost backed out, chickened out from seeing him, being with him. I was hit with a bout of nervousness and low self-esteem. But I knew I needed to be with him in order to finally close the chapter on us. It doesn't seem logical that I would need to have sex with him for things to finally be over with us, and yet, it is. Once our time together ended, I knew I didn't want to f*ck him again. Don't get me wrong; it was good, very GOOD, but it was over. Let's face it, it's completely obvious that we're not a good match. We're only compatible sexually, but as much as I enjoy sex, so much more is needed to make things work. Let's not forget, he has a son he's never bothered to tell me about.
When he told me he was coming out to visit, I knew I would finally have sex with him. My reasons were purely selfish. I just wanted sex. With everything that's been going on in my life, I just wanted to feel good, I wanted him to make me feel good. I went into this with eyes wide open. It was just sex.
As I lay there afterwards, I missed the intimacy I shared with P. What he lacked in sexual prowess, he made up with in romance. His touch and caresses; the way he marked me, making me his; the love songs he sang, though predictable, oh so endearing and effective.
And now my body aches. It's definitely the good kind of ache. The ache that makes you feel alive; lets you know you're alive and satisfied.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Cinco de Mayo
Uni took yesterday off and we decided to hit Century City for a double feature of X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - a double dose of deliciously hot men; any girls dream. ;)
Since it was Cinco de Mayo, I thought it appropriate for us to have lunch at Pink Taco. I'd been there once before, but this was Uni's first time. They had $6 margaritas ALL DAY and other beer specials for Cinco de Mayo. As it was still early in the day and we were going to be there all day watching two movies, we indulged in the margarita special. =)
First Round of the Cazadores Margaritas
Uni taking video of me taking a picture of her taking a video of me. (LOL)
Fried ice cream for dessert and my third margarita. Yes, you read correctly, my THIRD! (I'm emotionally unstable right now, or so they say, so I can have 3 margaritas in the middle of the day on a Tuesday, OK?!?!)
The food was great, the service was excellent. Our waiter was very attentive and took great care of us. The managers even came by our table and checked in and chatted with us. One of them even comped Uni's 2nd margarita and my 3rd. That's all we had - Uni had 2 and I had 3. Our waiter tried to get me to a 4th, but I don't even know how I got to the 3rd, by the 2nd I was getting loopy.
We finally stumbled ;p over to the other side of the mall and got our tickets for the Wolverine. I got a large Coke to offset the effects of the margaritas, but it wasn't working. As we sat and watched the onscreen advertising, I was getting sleepy. So was Uni. Thankfully, once Hugh Jackman appeared onscreen, I was wide awake. :D
I really enjoyed the movie. I know it received a lot of bad reviews and some of my friends didn't like it, but both Uni and I did. From the other three X-Men movies, I knew certain events were going to take place or not, but that's OK. I'm excited that Fox announced plans to do another spin-off with Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool.
Ryan Reynolds is also very yummy. Oh, and I love me some Agent Zero...mmmm. Wolverine was not lacking in the eye candy, making it a perfect pick for a chick flick double feature. I suppose I should throw in Taylor Kitsch for Anners, or as he will forever be known to her Tim Riggins. He was OK too. ;p
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past was playing in the screen next door and we successfully crossed over without tickets, but as we sat there watching trailers, I couldn't do it. When I went out to get concessions, I ran downstairs and bought two tickets. The ticket taker was perplexed when I handed her two tickets, but it was just me, so I explained that we'd been upstairs at another movie and decided to stay for Ghosts. I know, I'm a dork.
Matthew McConaughey was in true form, although, looking a little ragged. I tried to rationalize that they did that on purpose for his character, but really, he needs to stay away from all the sun exposure. I had fun watching the movie. Not completely sure it wasn't due in part to the three margaritas I'd had earlier; I might still have been under their effects, but still...it's McConaughey, how can you go wrong? "alright, alright" hee hee hee
I've never been a real big fan of Jennifer Garner, but she was OK. I personally think she's a little manly. Uni agrees. If you ever watch Catch and Release, you'll see what I mean, especially at the end.
After the movies, we intended on getting some coffee at Starbuck's, but ended up going to Pampas Grill in Culver City and having even more yummy food as we talked and talked. Then we walked down to Famima and I got my first bottle of Sake. It's sitting in the fridge right now. I haven't opened it yet. Maybe tomorrow, or Thursday.
All in all, it was a great day spent out of the house. And even though my sleep schedule the last couple of days have been somewhat normal, as you can tell by the post time of this blog and the last one, my pattern goes off-kilter very easily.
Switch Hitters 2009 & WeHo Adventures
I made a status update on Facebook about going to some of the clubs in West Hollywood and one of my friends e-mailed me asking about my WeHo adventures, so instead of rewriting it, I just hit copy & paste. Any additions to the original e-mail will be in italicized in parentheses. And of course, the pics were not in the e-mail. Please note the pics are from my cell phone because I apparently forgot to charge the battery to my camera, even though, I could've sworn I did. :(
=================================================
My friend's on a softball team in a gay league and on Saturday they had a fundraiser, Switch Hitters, which is a drag show. Members from each team put on a 4 minute act and there's a panel of "celebrity" judges.
I wasn't going to go, but Mari said she wanted to go and after getting the tix and everything, she flaked. I felt bad so I went anyway. (I hadn't told Mari about the event because it was on a Saturday and she'd be back in Palmdale, but he mentioned it to her at the dinner the week before. When she said she wanted to go, I asked her repeatedly if she was sure. She said yes. The day before the event, when I called to confirm, she'd forgotten all about it. When she said she wanted to go, she forgot it was her anniversary weekend. Originally I wasn't going to go because I didn't want to go alone, but now, after he'd gotten the tix for us and was expecting us there, I didn't want to disappoint so I took the bus there.)
It was fun. A lot of good acts. My friend's team swept the competition - 1st Place, Audience Favorite and Highest Attendance. (Truthfully, I thought another team did an amazing job with Beyonce's "Crazy in Love" and thought for sure they were going to win. They didn't even place in the top 3. I was shocked.)
I also saw a former coworker that was there with his team. The weirdest thing was seeing one of my high school teachers. I didn't have him for one specific class. I think he was on another track, but he would substitute for us all the time. I so wanted to go up to him, but since I didn't actually have him for a class, it's not like I was one of his students.
(He's the little man in the back, not in drag. I know, not a good photo...oh well.)
I had every intention of going home after the show, but my friend asked me if I wanted to go with him to meet his teammates at Fiesta Cantina. His bf wasn't going because he had a bday dinner in Pasadena to go to, so I said sure.
After the show and the winners were announced, we were hanging around talking outside on the balcony. Got to meet some of his friends and what's the first thing he tells all of them - that I worked in gay porn. Everywhere we went that night, first thing out of his mouth when he introduced me was that I worked in gay porn. I made some fast friends. ;)
(Lady Gaga was there too....NOT. Just someone dressed like her. Not the only one either.)
After dinner we finally headed over to Fiesta Cantina. Man that place was packed; men, women, gay, straight, in drag and not. It was hot in there too. I was sweating...ick. (We had dinner at the French Market Place on Santa Monica Blvd. I like that place. I had the roast and he had half a tuna sandwich with a side of fruit.)
So, the bathroom situation there. There were two bathrooms - men and unisex. The men's bathroom was small and the door was wide open. The unisex bathroom was a single. You had to wait in line against the wall for the unisex bathroom and the wall was directly across from the men's bathroom. You could see directly into the men's bathroom the farther away from the unisex bathroom you were. I had a clear view of the first toilet, not urinal, toilet, and whoever was using it. Obviously, just the back views. I was tempted to discreetly take a pic with my cameraphone of my friend's teammate in drag as he peed, but I didn't. After waiting forever and day, I finally got into the unisex bathroom.
We were at Fiesta Cantina the longest. I had a conversation with one of his teammates about boob sweat. He'd been in the show and was complaining about wearing a bra and boob sweat and wearing a skirt, though that was ok because it offered easy access, but no protection as you walked around. He thanked the lord he was not a woman, mostly because of the boob sweat. I had another conversation with another guy about the Bel Ami boys as he's into the twinks and I just had to tell him about meeting Lukas Ridgestone. And then yet another conversation with another guy about urethral sounds (don't ask). They mainly wanted to know about my experiences and who I had met. Also, they wanted me to point out anyone I remembered. I was looking, believe me I was looking, but alas, no one caught my attention.
We walked down Santa Monica Blvd towards Robertson and walked by Trunks and the infamous Rage, which looked kinda tame. It was still early though. Went to The Abbey and it just looks like any other restaurant, though darker. My friend told me about seeing Britney Spears there. We walked around and then left.
We went to Motherlode, which is the oldest gay bar there, established in 1979 as it says above the door. That place was more laid back. We ran into a guy my friend dated a few years ago. He was there with another guy, which I talked to while my friend talked to his ex. My guy actually knew where SG was because his grandparents lived there before moving to a neighboring city and he still has an uncle there, but couldn't tell me which part of SG he lives in because he hasn't been back there in years. He and his uncle meet once a month in Chinatown because they love Chinese food and it's a halfway point. My friend and I then went to the back bar to get drinks. As we walked back there, he tried to remember the bartender's name, whom he also dated a few years ago. He remembered, and the bartender hooked us up with this amazing shot he created using Absolut Pear vodka and something else because the shot was red. It was so yummy!!! Couldn't even taste the alcohol. He had already served me my Midori sour when he served us the shots to take together, and then I pretty much gulped down my Midori sour and then he recommended adding vodka to the Midori sour to give it that extra punch without all the sweetness, so I ordered it. Woooooooooo...
It took me longer to drink the third drink, but it definitely had a kick so I got loopy right away. My friend and I stood at the bar looking around, listening to the music and talking. We had had an earlier discussion about our "numbers," well mostly his. He came out 5 years ago and since then he's been with 50 guys. But he's also been with women. He had sex with a chick like 5 or 6 months ago, so there's another 20 women added to his number for a total of 70 sexual partners. DAMN!
He had told me about the women the last time we had dinner. When he said it, I was like, "so you're bi?" Kinda. With women, it's just sex and he's usually drunk. I teased that he's straight when he's drunk. Like I said, just sex. No calling in the morning, no dating. It's just someone he hooks up with when he's drunk and at the clubs. Well, since he's come out. Before he came out, he had been in serious relationships with women. But not since. He finds women hot, but knows he's gay. Though, he can't stand the effeminate gays. I call him a butch gay.
He had a race in the morning, so the evening ended early. At 10pm, we left Motherlode and walked back up Santa Monica Blvd to the car. We walked by some sex shops and saw posters of Johnny Hazzard and I regaled him with my story of meeting him and getting his autograph, but he didn't know who he was. We also walked by a gallery of sorts that had Tom of Finland photographs on display and I was like, "cool," cuz I remembered.
We also walked by this place that sold only milkshakes, all different varieties, but he wouldn't let me stop, so I have to go back. (Uni - you, me and some milkshakes, huh?)
And thus, my adventures in WeHo come to an end....for now. ;)
=================================================
My friend's on a softball team in a gay league and on Saturday they had a fundraiser, Switch Hitters, which is a drag show. Members from each team put on a 4 minute act and there's a panel of "celebrity" judges.
I wasn't going to go, but Mari said she wanted to go and after getting the tix and everything, she flaked. I felt bad so I went anyway. (I hadn't told Mari about the event because it was on a Saturday and she'd be back in Palmdale, but he mentioned it to her at the dinner the week before. When she said she wanted to go, I asked her repeatedly if she was sure. She said yes. The day before the event, when I called to confirm, she'd forgotten all about it. When she said she wanted to go, she forgot it was her anniversary weekend. Originally I wasn't going to go because I didn't want to go alone, but now, after he'd gotten the tix for us and was expecting us there, I didn't want to disappoint so I took the bus there.)
It was fun. A lot of good acts. My friend's team swept the competition - 1st Place, Audience Favorite and Highest Attendance. (Truthfully, I thought another team did an amazing job with Beyonce's "Crazy in Love" and thought for sure they were going to win. They didn't even place in the top 3. I was shocked.)
I also saw a former coworker that was there with his team. The weirdest thing was seeing one of my high school teachers. I didn't have him for one specific class. I think he was on another track, but he would substitute for us all the time. I so wanted to go up to him, but since I didn't actually have him for a class, it's not like I was one of his students.
(He's the little man in the back, not in drag. I know, not a good photo...oh well.)
I had every intention of going home after the show, but my friend asked me if I wanted to go with him to meet his teammates at Fiesta Cantina. His bf wasn't going because he had a bday dinner in Pasadena to go to, so I said sure.
After the show and the winners were announced, we were hanging around talking outside on the balcony. Got to meet some of his friends and what's the first thing he tells all of them - that I worked in gay porn. Everywhere we went that night, first thing out of his mouth when he introduced me was that I worked in gay porn. I made some fast friends. ;)
(Lady Gaga was there too....NOT. Just someone dressed like her. Not the only one either.)
After dinner we finally headed over to Fiesta Cantina. Man that place was packed; men, women, gay, straight, in drag and not. It was hot in there too. I was sweating...ick. (We had dinner at the French Market Place on Santa Monica Blvd. I like that place. I had the roast and he had half a tuna sandwich with a side of fruit.)
So, the bathroom situation there. There were two bathrooms - men and unisex. The men's bathroom was small and the door was wide open. The unisex bathroom was a single. You had to wait in line against the wall for the unisex bathroom and the wall was directly across from the men's bathroom. You could see directly into the men's bathroom the farther away from the unisex bathroom you were. I had a clear view of the first toilet, not urinal, toilet, and whoever was using it. Obviously, just the back views. I was tempted to discreetly take a pic with my cameraphone of my friend's teammate in drag as he peed, but I didn't. After waiting forever and day, I finally got into the unisex bathroom.
We were at Fiesta Cantina the longest. I had a conversation with one of his teammates about boob sweat. He'd been in the show and was complaining about wearing a bra and boob sweat and wearing a skirt, though that was ok because it offered easy access, but no protection as you walked around. He thanked the lord he was not a woman, mostly because of the boob sweat. I had another conversation with another guy about the Bel Ami boys as he's into the twinks and I just had to tell him about meeting Lukas Ridgestone. And then yet another conversation with another guy about urethral sounds (don't ask). They mainly wanted to know about my experiences and who I had met. Also, they wanted me to point out anyone I remembered. I was looking, believe me I was looking, but alas, no one caught my attention.
We walked down Santa Monica Blvd towards Robertson and walked by Trunks and the infamous Rage, which looked kinda tame. It was still early though. Went to The Abbey and it just looks like any other restaurant, though darker. My friend told me about seeing Britney Spears there. We walked around and then left.
We went to Motherlode, which is the oldest gay bar there, established in 1979 as it says above the door. That place was more laid back. We ran into a guy my friend dated a few years ago. He was there with another guy, which I talked to while my friend talked to his ex. My guy actually knew where SG was because his grandparents lived there before moving to a neighboring city and he still has an uncle there, but couldn't tell me which part of SG he lives in because he hasn't been back there in years. He and his uncle meet once a month in Chinatown because they love Chinese food and it's a halfway point. My friend and I then went to the back bar to get drinks. As we walked back there, he tried to remember the bartender's name, whom he also dated a few years ago. He remembered, and the bartender hooked us up with this amazing shot he created using Absolut Pear vodka and something else because the shot was red. It was so yummy!!! Couldn't even taste the alcohol. He had already served me my Midori sour when he served us the shots to take together, and then I pretty much gulped down my Midori sour and then he recommended adding vodka to the Midori sour to give it that extra punch without all the sweetness, so I ordered it. Woooooooooo...
It took me longer to drink the third drink, but it definitely had a kick so I got loopy right away. My friend and I stood at the bar looking around, listening to the music and talking. We had had an earlier discussion about our "numbers," well mostly his. He came out 5 years ago and since then he's been with 50 guys. But he's also been with women. He had sex with a chick like 5 or 6 months ago, so there's another 20 women added to his number for a total of 70 sexual partners. DAMN!
He had told me about the women the last time we had dinner. When he said it, I was like, "so you're bi?" Kinda. With women, it's just sex and he's usually drunk. I teased that he's straight when he's drunk. Like I said, just sex. No calling in the morning, no dating. It's just someone he hooks up with when he's drunk and at the clubs. Well, since he's come out. Before he came out, he had been in serious relationships with women. But not since. He finds women hot, but knows he's gay. Though, he can't stand the effeminate gays. I call him a butch gay.
He had a race in the morning, so the evening ended early. At 10pm, we left Motherlode and walked back up Santa Monica Blvd to the car. We walked by some sex shops and saw posters of Johnny Hazzard and I regaled him with my story of meeting him and getting his autograph, but he didn't know who he was. We also walked by a gallery of sorts that had Tom of Finland photographs on display and I was like, "cool," cuz I remembered.
We also walked by this place that sold only milkshakes, all different varieties, but he wouldn't let me stop, so I have to go back. (Uni - you, me and some milkshakes, huh?)
And thus, my adventures in WeHo come to an end....for now. ;)
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