I was worried about training last night because my legs were still sore. In the morning, I had mentioned to F that it really hurt to walk down the stairs and he said to focus on the steps and push through the pain; that's what he does when he's sore. So I did and the stairs were more manageable. In fact, I noticed, that as I walked around more, my legs hurt less. They were the worst each time I got up from sitting at my desk.
Still, I was worried, I mean, it was difficult just to sit down on the toilet seat (it's too low in my office).
Of course, yesterday is the day my boss decides to ask me to pull some information for him that I've never had to do and am not completely sure how to do so it took me awhile and I ended up leaving slightly later than I intended. At my second session, the trainer said I should do at least 10 mins on a bike or elliptical before our training session as a warm-up, so I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to change and get in at least 10 mins.
I ended up doing 6 mins and the good thing was that as soon as I started pedaling, my legs felt fine. No soreness or pain. :)
For my workout this time, he had me different exercises and I used 2 new machines. The lunges did hurt, though, but I just pushed through the pain; like F suggested. When our time was up, I mentioned that the master trainer said he would tell me what I should do for my next workout since I'm on my own on Friday. I mentioned my legs and he said that if they still hurt on Friday, then not to do many of the leg exercises and focus more on the chest.
But like I said, my legs were fine as we worked out and didn't hurt much. Heck, I practically ran down the stairs to continue my workout on a bike. Yup, that's how good my legs felt. I did another 14 mins (2 1/2 miles) on a bike before going home. I would like to try the elliptical, but as my friend keeps reminding me...baby steps.
After sitting 40 mins on the train, another 20 mins on another train, and 15 mins on the bus, my legs were back to being sore. Inactivity is a killer. :(
They're not so bad today. While I'm not running down the stairs today, I can walk down normally. Uni cancelled on me for Zumba, but I'm still going to go by myself. I'm going to try to make it to the 8pm class at the gym closer to home, instead of the 7pm class by work.
F doesn't want me to overdo it, so he just said to be careful. We'll see how tonight goes and let's hope I can remember all the exercises to do on my own on Friday.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Monday, August 8, 2016
Truth Comes Out
I would really like to go to sleep now but I need to wait another 30 minutes so I can check my blood. And there it is...the reason why my doctor wants me to lose weight. Yes, I'm diabetic. I have to check my blood glucose twice a day. No more soda, no more chocolate, no more cuppycakes. I have to watch my carbs because carbs really send your blood glucose into overdrive.
I'm on two diabetes meds, one for cholestoral, another for my liver (as a safeguard from the diabetes meds), baby aspirin, Calcium because I'm on the depo provera shot, and a weekly dose of Vitamin D because somehow my Vitamin D levels came back low (I guess I'm spending too much time indoors now.).
I've cut so much out of my diet and added so many greens. I can't eat that much red meat so I treat myself with a double cheeseburger one day a week. Of course, no fries, so I eat it with steamed broccoli & cauliflower; it's not so bad. My meals are pretty boring now. I really need to research fun and easy recipes because I'm getting sick of chicken and salad.
I have to make sure I eat 3 meals a day, including breakfast, because if I don't, my system goes all wonky. I'm always hungry. It's a never-ending pang. I can finish lunch and I will still have an empty feeling in my stomach. I'm starting to feel like it's never going to go away. I had to go to a nutritionist and she recommended certain snacks for in between meals, but I always tend to eat more than the recommended serving and still, the hunger does not go away. Does it ever....?
2nd PT Session
Clearly my trainer on Friday went easy on me. I liked my trainer today because he put me to work. On Friday, the back of the neckline on my t-shirt had some sweat on it, but today, the front and back was drenched and even my shorts had sweat marks on them. Not only did he work me out during our 30 minute session, but without me bringing it up, he asked if I was told to continue my workout after each session. I told him no and that I was actually going to ask about that today. So he told me to do time on a bike, elliptical or treadmill after we're done training; that it's the most effective time. He told me to start out slowly, say do 10 minutes and then work up to 15 and then 20 and so forth.
Today, we started out with five exercises using a different weights. I did 15 reps of each exercise in 3 sets. By the time I was doing the last set of Step Knee Ups, my legs were wobbly. And then he had me do a set of 3 other exercises.
When our session was done, I went downstairs and ended up choosing a bike. Mostly because that side was fairly empty and I thought I could handle 10 minutes on a bike versus an elliptical (mostly because I haven't used an elliptical) and walking on a treadmill, even on an incline as he suggested, seemed boring. (*I reserve the right to change my mind. Hey, this is about pushing myself, right??) I ended up doing almost 15 minutes for 2 miles on the bike. The only reason I stopped is because the seat was getting uncomfortable. It was a good thing I stopped anyway, as my legs were wobbly the second I got off the bike.
I sat in the locker room for a bit, trying to cool down and stop sweating so I wouldn't drench my blouse in sweat. Total failure, but hey, at least it was a light colored shirt so you couldn't tell all that much. :)
I'm totally going to sleep well tonight.
Tomorrow is a rest day, mostly because I have an event. I have another session with this same trainer on Wednesday, on Thursday Uni and I are trying out a Zumba class (which if goes well, I'll be adding to my schedule for Tues & Thurs), and then on Friday I'll do a workout session on my own.
For the weekend, I may try swimming, Zumba or a Yoga class. I used to be so flexible so it would be nice to work on improving it.
To be honest, I was a little disappointed after my session on Friday. I thought, "this is what I'm paying for??" But after today I'm quite happy with my decision. I just worry that I may become annoying. I feel like I need a lot of direction. I don't know what I'm doing and just really need them to tell me what to do, especially for the days I'm working out on my own.
Today, we started out with five exercises using a different weights. I did 15 reps of each exercise in 3 sets. By the time I was doing the last set of Step Knee Ups, my legs were wobbly. And then he had me do a set of 3 other exercises.
When our session was done, I went downstairs and ended up choosing a bike. Mostly because that side was fairly empty and I thought I could handle 10 minutes on a bike versus an elliptical (mostly because I haven't used an elliptical) and walking on a treadmill, even on an incline as he suggested, seemed boring. (*I reserve the right to change my mind. Hey, this is about pushing myself, right??) I ended up doing almost 15 minutes for 2 miles on the bike. The only reason I stopped is because the seat was getting uncomfortable. It was a good thing I stopped anyway, as my legs were wobbly the second I got off the bike.
I sat in the locker room for a bit, trying to cool down and stop sweating so I wouldn't drench my blouse in sweat. Total failure, but hey, at least it was a light colored shirt so you couldn't tell all that much. :)
I'm totally going to sleep well tonight.
Tomorrow is a rest day, mostly because I have an event. I have another session with this same trainer on Wednesday, on Thursday Uni and I are trying out a Zumba class (which if goes well, I'll be adding to my schedule for Tues & Thurs), and then on Friday I'll do a workout session on my own.
For the weekend, I may try swimming, Zumba or a Yoga class. I used to be so flexible so it would be nice to work on improving it.
To be honest, I was a little disappointed after my session on Friday. I thought, "this is what I'm paying for??" But after today I'm quite happy with my decision. I just worry that I may become annoying. I feel like I need a lot of direction. I don't know what I'm doing and just really need them to tell me what to do, especially for the days I'm working out on my own.
Little Moments
My favorite moments with F are after we've been intimate. That's when our true intimacy happens. Sometimes we lay there in silence, wrapped in each others arms. A time or two we've actually dozed off. Other times we're wrapped in each others arms as we talk about our day, work or whatever comes to mind. These are the times we bond; the times I feel how much I mean to him regardless of how much he tries to keep me at arms distance.
He's very good at keeping me at arms distance. But when we're physically together, his walls come down and his feeling shine through. Too often I get the sense that he doesn't feel like he deserves love. He's very straightforward, blunt; and oftentimes he comes off as an asshole, but we've been together long enough now that I know his intentions. I see when I've gotten through and it scares him so he'll do something to keep a safe distance from me. I know when not to push. I just bask in our time together and let it happen naturally, on his terms. But most importantly, no matter what he does, I continue to love him and make sure he knows that not only does he deserve love, he's earned mine.
He's very good at keeping me at arms distance. But when we're physically together, his walls come down and his feeling shine through. Too often I get the sense that he doesn't feel like he deserves love. He's very straightforward, blunt; and oftentimes he comes off as an asshole, but we've been together long enough now that I know his intentions. I see when I've gotten through and it scares him so he'll do something to keep a safe distance from me. I know when not to push. I just bask in our time together and let it happen naturally, on his terms. But most importantly, no matter what he does, I continue to love him and make sure he knows that not only does he deserve love, he's earned mine.
First Workout
My first session went well. Nothing too hard. She showed me three machines (I just hope I remember how to use them) and two exercises I can do on my own (without a machine). To be honest, I was expecting more, but I understand there's only so much you can do in 30 minutes. I just thought they'd have me do some other things on my own once our time was up. I have my second session today so we'll see how it goes. Depending on what happens, I'll ask the master trainer about it today. He was with a client on Friday when I was done so I couldn't ask him.
I know that on my "rest days," I can do things on my own like take a zumba or yoga class. I really want to do that. It just sucks that on the weekends, the classes are so early in the morning. :( I wish they had some classes in the afternoon. I'm hoping that on Tuesdays & Thursdays I can talk a friend into taking some classes after work. ;)
I know that on my "rest days," I can do things on my own like take a zumba or yoga class. I really want to do that. It just sucks that on the weekends, the classes are so early in the morning. :( I wish they had some classes in the afternoon. I'm hoping that on Tuesdays & Thursdays I can talk a friend into taking some classes after work. ;)
Friday, August 5, 2016
PT
I have my first workout with the trainer tonight. Originally it was set for 6:30pm, which sucked because it's Friday and sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get to go home around 4pm instead of 5:30pm. But 6:30pm was the earliest time after I could get off work. Thankfully, the trainer texted me this morning and asked if I could go in at 6pm. A half hour makes a huge difference so I enthusiastically agreed! :)
We'll see how it goes.
We'll see how it goes.
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Personal Assessment
Yesterday I had a 6pm appointment for a personal assessment. The e-mail reminder I received stated to wear comfortable clothes and shoes and take a towel and water. I was going to change there so I left work 15 minutes early to make sure I had enough time to change.
My second day at the gym and again, I didn't change clothes.
The trainer I had the appointment with saw me as I was talking to a former co-worker I ran into at the front desk and just led me to his desk. We went over some of the same things I had discussed with the sales guy on Monday.
In my street clothes, he did have me attempt to do a push up, plank and wall sit. I utterly failed. Well, I think I held the plank longer than he thought I would.
He laid out a plan for me and why he thought it was the best route for me. He was good...very nice, had me agreeing with him. And then I finally asked the question - how much is all of this going to cost me?
We came to a price that I was comfortable with for a certain number of sessions a month I would pay for and some complimentary sessions. We made all my appointments for August.
I'll have workouts 3 days a week and the days I'm not with a trainer, they'll detail what I'm supposed to do in my journal so I can do on my own at the gym. On the weekend, I can take Zumba or Yoga or an aquatics class, though he prefer I swim laps versus the class (I need resistance). The focus will be strength training to build muscle, with some cardio added in, and then later, an increase in cardio. So for now, no spin classes or aerobics.
I was against getting a trainer because of the cost, but it does make sense for me. As my friend said, it'll help build my confidence and get me started since one of the things I was most worried about going to the gym was the fact that I didn't even know where to start in terms of a workout routine.
The funny thing is that he kept talking to me about how much weight I would lose and other clients of his and how I could get super thin as long as I did it the right way. It's not about that for me. I don't want to be super thin. That's not me. I want to address some of my problem areas and get in better shape, but I don't need to be super thin.
Yes, I want to lose some weight, but I don't want to lose myself.
My second day at the gym and again, I didn't change clothes.
The trainer I had the appointment with saw me as I was talking to a former co-worker I ran into at the front desk and just led me to his desk. We went over some of the same things I had discussed with the sales guy on Monday.
In my street clothes, he did have me attempt to do a push up, plank and wall sit. I utterly failed. Well, I think I held the plank longer than he thought I would.
He laid out a plan for me and why he thought it was the best route for me. He was good...very nice, had me agreeing with him. And then I finally asked the question - how much is all of this going to cost me?
We came to a price that I was comfortable with for a certain number of sessions a month I would pay for and some complimentary sessions. We made all my appointments for August.
I'll have workouts 3 days a week and the days I'm not with a trainer, they'll detail what I'm supposed to do in my journal so I can do on my own at the gym. On the weekend, I can take Zumba or Yoga or an aquatics class, though he prefer I swim laps versus the class (I need resistance). The focus will be strength training to build muscle, with some cardio added in, and then later, an increase in cardio. So for now, no spin classes or aerobics.
I was against getting a trainer because of the cost, but it does make sense for me. As my friend said, it'll help build my confidence and get me started since one of the things I was most worried about going to the gym was the fact that I didn't even know where to start in terms of a workout routine.
The funny thing is that he kept talking to me about how much weight I would lose and other clients of his and how I could get super thin as long as I did it the right way. It's not about that for me. I don't want to be super thin. That's not me. I want to address some of my problem areas and get in better shape, but I don't need to be super thin.
Yes, I want to lose some weight, but I don't want to lose myself.
Monday, August 1, 2016
Complete and Total Breakdown
My doctor wants me to lose weight. So much so she even set a 3-month goal. She made a point of telling me that it was going to take a lot of work to lose weight. A month later, I can tell I've lost weight, but I've been putting off the one thing I new I needed to do.
I'm very good at making excuses.
First, I was dealing with insurance in trying to make the referral appointments my doctor gave me. I have PPO now, so I technically don't need a referral but I needed to check they were in my network and such. And not knowing how to go about with insurance on that, well, I dragged my feet for awhile.
Those appointments are set now, so...
Then, well, there was the matter of never actually working out...at least not since 10th grade and well, we didn't exactly use machines back then. So I didn't really want to go by myself because I have no clue where to start and how to use the machines...or what I should even do. A friend offered to get me a guest pass on her membership so we could go together. I asked if a certain week worked with her schedule; she said yes, but she had to double check whether or not her membership had lapsed. She didn't get back to me and I didn't follow-up. Other things came up with her, so I didn't mention it again.
And finally, I knew I couldn't wait any longer; the first month of the 3-month goal was quickly ending and I had a 1-month follow-up coming up with my doctor...so I went online and requested a 3-day guest pass. That was last week. I had an event on Wednesday and since the gym is by work, it didn't make sense to start a 3-day pass on Thursday as I wasn't going to go all the way to the westside on a Saturday for the 3rd day.
See, I told you I was very good at making excuses.
Today was the big day and boy was I dreading it. Last night I went over some questions with another friend and she was very supportive and encouraging. I got a bag ready last night with gym clothes and such. Last week I even bought a new pair of sneakers (same ones I already had and were very comfortable).
I left for work this morning with my bag and every intention of going to the gym after work. As each hour passed, I was filled with dread and my heart was pounding in my chest. I go in early on Monday's so technically I'm supposed to get out of work earlier. Today was a bit heavier so I may have not been in a rush to leave. As the minutes ticked by though, at the end of the day and I knew I couldn't dawdle anymore, that's when the dread I felt all day turned into panic and the tears started rolling down my face.
I was terrified.
It wasn't about not knowing how to use the machines or what to do,
It was coming to terms with the emotional impact of being fat all my life.
I've never cared what others thought about me. At least not on the surface. I feel the judgment from strangers and family. And I've used it to build a wall and used my fat as a protective shield. Whenever my mom would attempt to talk to me about dieting or exercising; I just got fatter.
I've never wanted to be thin thin. I've just sometimes thought it would be nice to be a size 2X instead of 4X or 5X; better clothing options.
But the more I've been rejected by people for being fat, whether by the opposite sex or my own family (it's very hard to feel like your mother would actually love you if you lost weight), instead of it motivating me to lose weight, I've sunk my heels in and said, "Fuck 'em!"
So fat I am. Fat I have always been.
I'm sleeping with someone that doesn't seem to care that I'm fat. He's never shied away from taking off all my clothes. We're always completely naked together. He even requests photos of me naked - not just my boobs or butt, completely naked. I had a really hard time the first time he asked for them. Seeing my naked in person is one thing, having an actual image of it is different. But he forced me to face it and work through it. It excites him. I see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch.
We've been together for over 2 years and he's never said anything about my weight. I worry about being on top and he doesn't care. He flips me, pulls me, spreads me open, holds onto me and touches me with a passion I'd never felt and with absolutely no judgment.
The insecurities I buried deep down, spilled onto the surface as I walked from work to the gym today and I completely broke down in tears. All I wanted was to go home and remain fat; stay in my fat bubble where I'm safe. Because it's one thing to feel like you were rejected for being fat; and a completely different thing, a much worse feeling to know.
I didn't have to change into the gym clothes I took with me. I spent the time at the gym with the sales guy going over why I was there and what my goals were; he gave me a tour of the gym and got me all signed up with a membership and an appointment for a personal assessment, where I'm sure it will be drilled into me how much I need a trainer for a boatload of money.
At least I get a reprieve for another day or two.
I'm very good at making excuses.
First, I was dealing with insurance in trying to make the referral appointments my doctor gave me. I have PPO now, so I technically don't need a referral but I needed to check they were in my network and such. And not knowing how to go about with insurance on that, well, I dragged my feet for awhile.
Those appointments are set now, so...
Then, well, there was the matter of never actually working out...at least not since 10th grade and well, we didn't exactly use machines back then. So I didn't really want to go by myself because I have no clue where to start and how to use the machines...or what I should even do. A friend offered to get me a guest pass on her membership so we could go together. I asked if a certain week worked with her schedule; she said yes, but she had to double check whether or not her membership had lapsed. She didn't get back to me and I didn't follow-up. Other things came up with her, so I didn't mention it again.
And finally, I knew I couldn't wait any longer; the first month of the 3-month goal was quickly ending and I had a 1-month follow-up coming up with my doctor...so I went online and requested a 3-day guest pass. That was last week. I had an event on Wednesday and since the gym is by work, it didn't make sense to start a 3-day pass on Thursday as I wasn't going to go all the way to the westside on a Saturday for the 3rd day.
See, I told you I was very good at making excuses.
Today was the big day and boy was I dreading it. Last night I went over some questions with another friend and she was very supportive and encouraging. I got a bag ready last night with gym clothes and such. Last week I even bought a new pair of sneakers (same ones I already had and were very comfortable).
I left for work this morning with my bag and every intention of going to the gym after work. As each hour passed, I was filled with dread and my heart was pounding in my chest. I go in early on Monday's so technically I'm supposed to get out of work earlier. Today was a bit heavier so I may have not been in a rush to leave. As the minutes ticked by though, at the end of the day and I knew I couldn't dawdle anymore, that's when the dread I felt all day turned into panic and the tears started rolling down my face.
I was terrified.
It wasn't about not knowing how to use the machines or what to do,
It was coming to terms with the emotional impact of being fat all my life.
I've never cared what others thought about me. At least not on the surface. I feel the judgment from strangers and family. And I've used it to build a wall and used my fat as a protective shield. Whenever my mom would attempt to talk to me about dieting or exercising; I just got fatter.
I've never wanted to be thin thin. I've just sometimes thought it would be nice to be a size 2X instead of 4X or 5X; better clothing options.
But the more I've been rejected by people for being fat, whether by the opposite sex or my own family (it's very hard to feel like your mother would actually love you if you lost weight), instead of it motivating me to lose weight, I've sunk my heels in and said, "Fuck 'em!"
So fat I am. Fat I have always been.
I'm sleeping with someone that doesn't seem to care that I'm fat. He's never shied away from taking off all my clothes. We're always completely naked together. He even requests photos of me naked - not just my boobs or butt, completely naked. I had a really hard time the first time he asked for them. Seeing my naked in person is one thing, having an actual image of it is different. But he forced me to face it and work through it. It excites him. I see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch.
We've been together for over 2 years and he's never said anything about my weight. I worry about being on top and he doesn't care. He flips me, pulls me, spreads me open, holds onto me and touches me with a passion I'd never felt and with absolutely no judgment.
The insecurities I buried deep down, spilled onto the surface as I walked from work to the gym today and I completely broke down in tears. All I wanted was to go home and remain fat; stay in my fat bubble where I'm safe. Because it's one thing to feel like you were rejected for being fat; and a completely different thing, a much worse feeling to know.
I didn't have to change into the gym clothes I took with me. I spent the time at the gym with the sales guy going over why I was there and what my goals were; he gave me a tour of the gym and got me all signed up with a membership and an appointment for a personal assessment, where I'm sure it will be drilled into me how much I need a trainer for a boatload of money.
At least I get a reprieve for another day or two.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Taking a hit
As I mentioned before, life has been rough and I'm trying to get back on track. I've lost focus again and my confidence and self-worth are taking a hit again. F says it's not personal, just business; but when you've put so much of yourself into something, how do you not make it personal?
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