Unnecessary concern

In the last few weeks I’ve gotten more questions about my job and future plans. Everyone else seems more concerned with what I’m going to do than I am. I’m just trying to take one day at a time. The days, weeks and months are just flying by and I’m still trying to settle in.

I may be overqualified for my position. My skills may be underused. But shouldn’t that be my concern? I’m wondering why everyone else seems more concerned about it than I am.

I’m trying to take my time, give things a chance, and see where they go. I really don’t want to rush into another position until I’m comfortable and know where it’s going. Things need to be just right before I make any moves.

The great thing is that my current position gives me time, lots of time. My work stays at work and I have time to see my girls, go out with friends (have I mentioned how full my social calendar is? a free weekend has been rare these last few months.), and most importantly, I can work on all my YV/Variety activities. I’m on four planning committees – two events done, third done in a week – plus at least a couple more events/committees in the fall.

All these activities and events, I couldn’t be happier.

Everyone’s lives and paths are different. I just don’t want anyone using mine as an excuse. Things may be a little more financially difficult, but it hasn’t stopped me from doing things, from going out. I may have to think a second about an activity, but all it means is that I’m doing things that really mean something to me.

I’m about to turn 32 in 3 1/2 months, I’m not a kid anymore. I may feel like one most of the time, but I’m not; that ship has sailed. I’ve taken responsibility for my actions and I do the things that are going to make me happy. In the end, that’s all that matters: doing what makes you happy.

So question yourself, question your choices and life. Not mine. If I’m not questioning it, no need for someone else to do it for me.

eat pray love

I finished reading “eat pray love” by Elizabeth Gilbert last week. I had tweeted that I was finally reading the book and a friend mentioned that she couldn’t get past the first section of the book on Italy because she felt the author was “too whiny.” Truth is, yes, she was extremely whiny, up through half of the second book. OK, she had bouts of whininess throughout the book.

You can’t blame her though. She’d been depressed for two years plus, had an awful divorce and painful break up. She went on this journey just as it had all happened in order to get over it. So the entire time she was in Italy, she ate and wallowed. It wasn’t until she had her spiritual breakthrough in India that she came to terms with everything.

As I read, I thought about my life and how lucky she was that she could take a year off to get her life back on track. Let’s face it, a regular joe-schmo like me can’t do that. I can’t afford to take a year off to travel on a spiritual journey. I have bills to pay and have to work to cover those bills. No one’s going to hand me a book advance to travel and find myself.

I have to find ways to create this peace for myself here, in this hectic world of work, commitments and friends. I’m quite happy to say that my misery is not near the level of her depression and sadness. Not even close. But it is imbued with negativity and whininess. This blog is a clear example of that. I’m resolved to change that. The past year has been hard, but it could’ve been so much worse. I have many things to be grateful for and I just need to fight to change my life.

Bad things are going to happen. That’s life. But when bad things happen, we can’t dwell on them and be overcome by them. All we can do is accept them and move on. We’re the only ones that can do that. We learn from our mistakes, from the bad things. They become a part of us, but don’t define us.

I want to surround myself with positivity. Have fun and enjoy myself. It won’t be easy, especially considering my last post was about the resentment building up inside me. But while my home life may not change right now, I can work to change other parts of my life; the social aspects. I’ve already begun limiting the people I spend time with. By that I mean people that don’t add anything to my life, but only bring me down. And somehow, these past few weeks and months, my social calendar has been a flutter. There’s hardly a weekend I’m actually at home and that’s a good thing.

My life may not be what I thought it would be at this age, or what others think my life should be, but all I can do is take one day at a time. Find happiness and joy and take them day to day.

I leave you with an excerpt from “The Sleeping Beauty Proposal” by Elizabeth Strohmeyer.

“I’m beginning to learn that anything worth having in life begins by taking a risk – love, marriage, childbirth, even loving one’s neighbor as thyself. Risk is the universe’s way of pushing us to become more than what we are. Risk is faith at the edge. Risk is the pulsating essence of life.

Without risk, we are automatons going through our days with no purpose or meaning. We are safer, perhaps, but we are also, ironically, closer to death."

Resentment

Resentment grows and builds upon more resentment. By all accounts last year was horrific and this year has emerged as a renewal; a new beginning. But even in starting over, not everything is wiped cleaned. There are holdovers from one year to the next and, well, a new beginning doesn’t mean they get forgotten or change.

I’ve begun my career over. The clock has rewound almost 10 years. Now if only my expenses would do the same. Ten years ago I had no “real” expenses, keyword real. So making a salary slightly higher than I had 10 years ago, and half of what I was making 2 years ago, but with the same expenses as the last two years, is, simply put, hard.

Making it harder is that no one around me realizes nor comprehends this. I’m covering the house mortgage and all the house bills, and yet my mother complains that I don’t take her shopping anymore. Every time I go to Target, she wants to know what I’m going to buy her. Absolutely nothing. No, you know what I’m buying her? I’m buying her laundry detergent, dryer sheets, dishwashing soap, sponges, bathroom paper, trash bags….you get the point. My once famous trips to Target exist no more. I can’t even remember the last time I bought a DVD.

All my money goes to the house expenses and she gives me shit for not buying her new clothes. When did I last buy clothes for myself? I saw the cutest summer dress at Target, but I forced myself to walk away and igigi.com has the most gorgeous dresses that I can’t buy.

Every time she begins to whine and bitch, I just want to hit her. OK, no, I don’t want to hit her, but I do want to yell at her. She’s killing me. I’m beyond stressed and you know what, I don’t know why I do it.

Why am I putting myself through this for her? She’s my mother and I’m her daughter, so it pretty much comes down to daughterly duty. I just wish she’d actually act like my mother.

Mothers are supposed to love you unconditionally and see the beauty in you…always. They’re supposed to have your back, especially when you’ve spent your entire life trying to be a good daughter.

Every word that comes out of her mouth directed at me is a criticism. Nothing I do is right for her. I’m not right for her. I am not perfect. I am not beautiful, but she’s supposed to see the beauty inside me and tell me there’s a lucky someone out there for me. She’s not supposed to mock me when I run in and beg my sister to tell the guy that I’ve been avoiding and ignoring for months, who’s now at our front door, that I’m not home. She’s supposed to be on my side and know there’s a good reason I don’t want to see him.

This is why I don’t talk to her about my personal life. She laughed at me when I first mentioned Boston boy, back at the beginning when things were good and hopeful. And when P was only sleeping with me, she told me to do and change whatever I needed to in order to lock him down.

I may live at home with my mother, but I have a mortgage and house bills. And one simple truth remains, when I leave this house, there will be no turning back. I will not visit on the weekends and come do my laundry. She will be lucky if she sees me at family parties.

February was a busy crazy month

February was a busy crazy month. My sleep hours went back to “normal” for me. I stopped getting in bed at 10 and asleep by 11pm. No, I went back to falling asleep around 12:30/1:00am. It may have had something to do with the stress of being on the planning side of the pool tournament for the first time. I’ve always just been an attendee; an attendee that wins big during the raffle. (I only won one prize this year, after several redraws.)

It’s amazing how much drama and egos one needs to sidestep in order to get anything done. It was a great event, but I sure was glad when it ended. And of course, as soon as it does, what happens? I get sick. I caught what my friend had after spending too much time with her. It’s not like we spent all that much time together, but that combined with exhaustion, well, it brought me down.

I didn’t miss any work though; can’t afford to. I just made sure I was all drugged up during the day, although, oddly enough, when I stopped taking the Dayquil, I felt a lot better. My head was no longer fuzzy. Right now, it’s pretty much down to just a cough. Since it’s in my chest, activity wears me out, more so than usual. ;p

Somehow, in the middle of all that, my niece turned 8. I can’t believe she’s 8. It feels like only yesterday I was holding her in my arms when she was born. In the blink of an eye, she’s become a little girl and before you know it, she’ll be a teenager and she’ll start dating and then she’ll be out of high school and in college and then, and then she’ll be getting married and starting her own family. I don’t think I’m ready for that.

My other niece turns 8 next month and my Goddaughter turns 5 at the end of June. They’re growing up so fast and then they’ll be too old to want to spend time with their lonely old aunt.

For my niece’s 8th birthday, we did it at Chuck e Cheese. I was really glad my other niece was there. Since my cousin moved away, they’re not as accessible. It breaks my heart not to see my niece as often or as easily as before. And every time she leaves and says she loves me very much, I just want to hold on to her forever.

My Goddaughter is scared of the rat, so when it was time for him to come over to the table and sing during the cake, I had to take her into the playroom so she wouldn’t freak out the way she did on her birthday last year. Those are the moments I will cherish forever; when she looks to me to take her away from the big scary rat and she smiles and laughs as we walk through the playroom, selecting games to play. And she doesn’t call for her mom or dad because she’s having fun playing with her Godmother and even though she had been scared and didn’t want to take pictures or play, she’s forgotten all about the scary rat and is just having fun with her Godmother. These are the memories I will keep close to my heart.

Do I need to touch upon Valentine’s Day? No, thank you, moving on.

Oh, wait, I guess I have to since two different friends got engaged around Valentine’s Day. An ex-coworker, Jakkibean, was proposed to by her boyfriend the day before Valentine’s Day and my friend Tiny was proposed to while she and her boyfriend were in New York. So exciting!

I stayed home on Valentine’s Day, but the night before was a girls night out with my friend. We decided to do it up big. I got my nails done that morning and we got all dressed up and cute. I even bought a new lip gloss, put on mascara and wore earrings. Can you people believe it???? We had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory at The Grove and then watched “Valentine’s Day.” It was a cute movie and there was a big “sharp intake of breath” moment at the end of the movie. But if you thought about it, you should’ve seen it coming since all the story lines connect.

I had another great night out with friends. Dinner evolved into bar hopping in Pasadena and ended with dancing. I can’t even remember the last time I danced like that. Oh wait, I do. In 2008, at Kimmy’s wedding in San Fran (also my 30th birthday). That was a great night. I love dancing, though I don’t do it very often, mostly because I feel like I’ve lost my rhythm. In college, I had so much fun at parties, now I have trouble letting loose.

Apparently, now in my 30s, I have a lot of problems and hang-ups. I know, totally sucks. I need to get my confidence back.

I think I’m finally over him; mostly because he’s turned into such a disappointment. It’s not disappointment in that he doesn’t feel the same about me, but disappointment in realizing several truths about him. I’ve been constantly reminded that when a guy really wants to do something, he’ll do it. So if he said we’d still see each other, even as friends, we’d still see each other. If he said he’d come to SG for me, even as friends, then he’d come to SG for me. But he hasn’t done either. Nothing he said he’d do has he done. He didn’t keep his word. His word means nothing. And I can’t stand that.

I hold people to what they say they will do. I say what I mean and do what I say; and I expect that of others. A friend and I got into it about that. She said it’s easy to be disappointed when you have such high expectations and that I don’t leave room for people’s flaws; and thus judgmental. Maybe she’s right. Maybe she’s wrong. I certainly am not perfect and know this. I definitely don’t expect others to be perfect and flawless. But I don’t think I’m wrong in expecting people to keep their word. I put in the effort for people I care about and I don’t let just anyone into my world. And I understand how difficult life is and that everyone is juggling a ton of balls, but I still try. I’ve cancelled on friends before; it happens. But if you don’t even try, then what’s the point? Why am I going to waste my time and chase after you when you can’t make time for me or even try to make time for me?

I don’t want to feel like I’m begging people to spend time with me. I shouldn’t feel that way. So give me a reason, give me a reason to believe you want to be in my world. I’ve already let you in, now it’s up to you to stay in my life. If you don’t want to be here, no one’s going to force you to stay. I can walk away, and I will.

And so February ended and March has begun. I’m facing the possible loss of a friend I’ve gotten really close to. Right now she’s in NY for a job interview and considering she had two phone interviews before they called her in for a face-to-face, I’d say she has a pretty good shot at getting it. I’m happy for her, but I’m also sad at the prospect of her moving away. I just have to make sure to spend as much time with her as possible while she’s still here. Even if I get sick again. ;)

F U

It never ends. I am waiting for the day when I won't have to deal with all the bullshit that was my last job.

Let's set the record straight.

1. I quit my job. I walked away from it. My decision. My everything.

2. I didn't reach out to anyone or go around telling things about the company or owner to anyone. I laid low. I kept to myself and did what I needed to do for myself. I've never said a word to anyone about anything relating to my experience their or why I even left.

3. No, he was not a good boss. No, at no time did he ever offer to pay for me to go on Weight Watchers. And if he had, no, I wouldn't have taken him up on it.

4. He only ever offered to pay for my driver's training, but you can clearly see that I didn't take him up on it. And if I had, I'm sure he wouldn't have paid for it anyway, just like he didn't pay for my health insurance like he said he would.

5. HELL-TO-THE-NO, I did not have gastric bypass surgery that he paid for and I never paid him back for it.

Yes, that's the new thing that's come out of the nightmare that is him and my old company. He's mad because he paid for me to have gastric bypass surgery, I gained the weight back and I never even paid him back for it.

You know what I have to say about that - FUCK YOU!!

First, my other old bitch of a boss says, "Who's going to hire the fat girl?" Well, let's see, YOU!! You're lucky I never let on that I know exactly what you said about me because I'd love to see your face as you ate your effin' words as you offered me a full-time position working for you. Karma's a bitch, baby! Let's see what you're going to do now that you're plans are shot. You didn't get your way. I didn't accept your offer. No, instead, I took a position paying far less than you offered because I will never work for you again.

And now, he's saying he paid for me to have gastric bypass surgery??? What the fuck people!!!! Why is my weight such an issue for you? Why do you effin' care?

I have enough issues of my own to have to take on your issues as well.

What I hate is that it's been 10 months and people are still talking about me and my old company. How many people has this gotten to? What are people saying behind my back?

I thought all of this was over. I thought I had started over....

This has been out there for 10 months. This is what people are saying about me. This is what people have allowed others to say about me. FUCK YOU ALL!

Despite everything

Despite the disappointment, I remain a hopeless romantic. As Valentine’s Day approaches I remain slightly hopeful that this year will be different; this year he will declare himself and a fabulously romantic day will follow.

I know, I know…I have a highly romanticized view of Valentine’s Day.

I fantasize about grand romantic gestures; declarations of all-consuming love; being swept up into his arms and kissed like never before.

Yes, this is the Valentine’s Day I’m still waiting for. The truth is I’d settle for far less; just being told I’m special and that he wants to be with me will suffice. I’d settle for someone wanting to spend the day with me.

I remember holding on to the smallest of hope that regardless of what he said, he did love me and was waiting until Valentine’s Day to reveal those feelings to me. It never happened. I knew it wouldn’t, but deep down, deep down I still dreamt.

I’m still dreaming; hoping that one Valentine’s Day I will be kissed. Hoping a Valentine’s Day will come and I won’t be alone.

I so want this dress from Igigi.



http://www.igigi.com/valentine-s-day/imperia-lace-dress-in-black-red.html

Starting the year with a BANG!

Not that kind of bang. Get your mind out of the gutter people. Geesh… ;p

Every weekend this month I’ve been out and about with friends; doing stuff, but most importantly, just being out of the house.

Jan 1 – Appetizers and drinks at Red Lobster.
Jan 2 – Lunch at Rocco’s (hadn’t been there in years!! LOVE the onion rings!), “Sherlock Holmes” at The Grove (first time using my Pacific pass and she didn’t even charge me), walking around the Farmer’s Market, ended the evening with drinks, appetizers and dessert at the Macaroni Grill.
Jan 3 – My fifth niece, Ruby Mikaela, was born and I spent time with her at the hospital.

Jan 8 – Saw “Nine” at Del Amo. It was extremely disappointing and a little boring. I did enjoy Fergie’s dance number, though I’m still wondering why they plumped her up for the roll. I also enjoyed Marion Cottillard’s performance overall and really liked her second song and dance. Favorite line from “Nine” – Penelope Cruz: I’ll be waiting here for you, with my legs open.
Jan 9 – Spent time with little Ruby. She kicks my biological clock into overdrive. None of my girls have done that like this. She really draws out my motherly instinct and makes me a little sad because I don’t have a little Ruby of my own. All I hear is tick tock…tick tock….

Jan 15 – Dinner at PF Changs and watched “Up in the Air” at Del Amo.
Jan 16 – Spent the day with Tiny in El Segundo. Lunch at Chili’s, “It’s Complicated” at the Pacific Manhattan Village (used my Pacific pass again – the movie was HILARIOUS!), Barnes & Noble and Borders, and yummy snickerdoodle cookies from Fresh & Easy. Don’t remember the exact line from “It’s Complicated,” but when Alec Baldwin refers to Meryl Streep as going “native” and that he’s into it – OMG!!!!
Jan 17 – Dinner at a new Korean BBQ place with Sarah and there was a bit of a language barrier so we did have a bit of a problem communicating. Afterwards, we went to The Hustler Store….

Jan 23 – After a week of rain, the sun came out and I actually started my day early by getting my nails done (I feel so girly right now!), got to the Westside way early to meet Uni so I hung out at Borders and then got my eyebrows done at Ziba at the Westside Pavilion (it was friggin’ painful! remind me not to wait so long again), then Uni and I headed to Fox Hills Mall to check it out after the remodel. We really wanted to check out the new Target. It was very disappointing. You can bring something new to the neighborhood, but it doesn’t mean the neighborhood’s going to take care of it. What I didn’t like was the fact that people were rolling the Target carts through the mall and its stores. Lakewood Mall has a Target attached to the mall, but the carts are not allowed to roll through the mall; as it should be. After the disappointing Target shopping experience, we had dinner at the remodeled food court – Sarku Japan has such delicious chicken teriyaki. On the ride to the airport, I ate one of the yummiest red velvet cupcake. Uni brought it for me from the Daintycakes food truck. It was so moist and delicious. I made yummy noises with every bite. :)

Jan 24 – Met up with my cousin’s girlfriend for sushi at Sushi Mac on 3rd and La Cienega. I’ve been craving sushi for a while so I went a little overboard. They’re pretty affordable, $3 a plate – I had 9 plates. :D We then went to Hollywood & Highland for Beard Papa and then to my cousin’s house to spend time with little Ruby. I had an off day with little Ruby as each time I held her today, she’d eventually start crying. Even both times she was handed to me asleep; she’d wake up and start crying. The only time she didn’t cry was when I was feeding her, but as soon as she finished her bottle, she started crying again. :( It was good to hang out with my cousin’s girlfriend. We’ve never really done that before. They just celebrated their fifth anniversary, so she’s family now.


This upcoming weekend is the first weekend this month I don’t have anything planned ahead of time. I’m not worried. I do have lunch plans for Friday with an old high school friend I haven’t seen in years. And Sarah and I talked about getting together for a movie. We really want to see “Legion.” Who would’ve thought Paul Bettany could be so HOT!?!?! Yum!

Plus I also have a standing date to see “The Lovely Bones” with Anners and Maria. We just have to find an actual time that works for all three of us. :)

I think I've done it...

It didn't take very long, if you think about it. I think I've successfully annoyed him and pushed him away in record time. He must be thinking, "what the HECK???"

I've been extra extra crazy, I think. A little pushy and waaaaaaaay annoying. I guess I'm just getting good at this. I should be considering I have lots of practice.

He's been away these past couple of weekends and he said when he got back this week he'd be able to "coordinate" a time for us to see each other. (Coordinate because he has to get someone to watch the boys. Heck, at their age, I was staying home by myself, but he's a good parent.) But now the week is almost over and I haven't heard anything from him and I know next weekend he's out of town again and I already have plans for both days this weekend, though I'd likely drop one day for him if he called. (Sorry Uni, but your plans are recent. My Sunday plans have been on the agenda for 2 weeks. ;p ) No, I wouldn't do that. I'd use it to prove a point instead.

I miss him a lot. Not talking to him or seeing him these last few weeks has been hard and it hurts that he doesn't miss me as much as I miss him. He probably doesn't miss me because I've been so annoying and bitchy.

Hopefully we can move forward when I get over him and still be friends. As it is, we have to work together a lot in the coming months.

I'm in a bit of a funk about this right now (I know, I know, I've been in a funk for the past year...), which is why I haven't really been writing. I don't so much like blogging when I'm sad because I feel like my depressing posts are just annoying and who wants to read depressing post after depressing post. I certainly don't.

But I guess something is better than nothing, huh? Especially for those of you that check my blog day after day only to find nothing new. Sorry. :(

If only I could stop being annoying. At least I've left him alone these last couple of days. No texting at all. It's very sad, though. I keep thinking about Christmas week and how we text and spoke on the phone every single day that week, even on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and now....nothing. :(

Welcome Ruby!

My cousin, mother of my Goddaughter, gave birth to my 5th niece on Sunday, January 3rd at 7:14am. She was in labor all day Saturday, but didn’t go to the hospital until 5am Sunday. After spending over 40 hours in a hospital bed in labor with my Goddaughter, she wanted to delay her hospital stay as much as possible with her third baby, thus, she didn’t go until she couldn’t take the pain anymore. She text me Saturday night to let me know the baby was likely to arrive on Sunday, but didn’t think she’d actually give birth so early in the morning.

I spent Sunday afternoon at the hospital, holding little Ruby and taking so many photos. I have photos of all my nieces at the hospital, save one, and that’s only because my cousin didn’t tell me she gave birth until she was already home from the hospital.



Even though she’s my 5th niece, I was still nervous carrying her. Have to make sure to hold her head up, position her nicely on top of my arm; good thing I have nice, big boobs because they really come in handy to keep a baby nice and snug.

On Saturday, I went over to visit. I like that once my cousin was done breastfeeding Ruby, she just got up and plopped her in my arms. :) Ruby was sound asleep in my arms and I had a baby blanket draped over my shoulder covering her, keeping her nice and warm when my Godmother looked over at me and smiled. Then she said, “Look how good she looks holding the baby.” I told her not to start and how mom was already on me about grandchildren.

At my cousin’s house, I sat on the bed holding her and then I lay down next to her. I just wanted to stay there with her all day.

We’ve even started talking about her baptism this summer. I don’t know who her Godparents are going to me, it’s unlikely I’ll be her Godmother, but my cousin is still my cousin and comadre, so I’m going to help as much as I can, especially since it’s also my Goddaughter’s 5th birthday this year and that means a big party, so that’s two big parties they’re putting on this summer, so they need all the help they can get.